Pink Salty Dog

0 Posted by - April 26, 2012 - Food & Drink

Martha Stewart and I have a little bit of a rocky relationship. You might call me the anti-Martha, but it’s not because I try to be the anti-Martha. It’s just that where she turns everything she touches into a good thing, I turn everything I touch into shit. (I’ve been known to refer to this particular talent of mine as “the Midass touch.” Get it? Get it?… Nevermind.)

Anyway, the last time I tried one of her cocktails, things didn’t go well. But you all know me by now and you know that I’m a little bit of a glutton for punishment, especially where alcohol is concerned. Plus, this one is pink.

The recipe has some pretty typical Martha Stewart instructions regarding fresh ingredients and blah, blah, blah. Fresh ingredients at my house are usually wine and peanut butter. Everything else is questionable. So there’s nothing fresh about the version I made.

I didn’t have a grapefruit slice with which to wet the rim of my glass. (Surprise. Shock. I know.) I used the next best thing.

Also, who has coarse salt just sitting around? I had popcorn seasoning, so that’s what I used. Hey, you gotta adapt or you won’t survive. Or at least you won’t ever drink a cocktail, because I can never make them exactly as described. They always call for something weird like a single tear from a red-haired three-year-old. Dude. Who has that?

Along those same lines, I didn’t have any grenadine either, so I used maraschino cherry juice.

I had to get out my blender for this one. As you’ll recall, it’s my circa 1999 blender. It ain’t no Vitamix.

I knew it was going to be bad about half a cup of ice into it when the blender was still making noise, but none of the liquid was actually moving. In case you are unfamiliar with blender technology, that is not a good thing.

I called it quits and poured it into a glass. There were large chunks of ice remaining, so drinking it was a virtual impossibility. I did try to drink it, though, and I’ll have you know that popcorn seasoning is an unacceptable substitute for coarse salt. Lesson learned.

I forged ahead with a spoon.

Meh.

It wasn’t really good, and it was downright abysmal with the salt. Also, there are two tablespoons of liquor in this whole thing, so even though I choked some down, I didn’t even get a buzz, unless you count the wicked brain freeze.

Frozen brains AHHGHGHGHGHG

Maybe if you’re more like Martha Stewart than I am, you can pull this off. But you might be an anti-Martha if yours turns out like mine.

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  • Steph

    Don’t feel bad. Martha’s a bitch in real life and her stuff is waaaay to complicated for most people to do.
    and “a single tear from a read headed 3 year old”? That is the best line yet!!!!!

    • Pintester

      Thanks Steph. Hook me up if you find a red-headed three-year-old tear distributor. ;-)

    • Lesley

      I love that line too!!!! Its awesome!

  • http://www.kategeorge.com Kate George

    This reminds me of the Amaretto, Strawberries and cream drink I made once when I was twenty-one or two. Looked good in the pictures, sounding like it would be right up my alley… Let’s just say you could get drunk, but only if you drank like fifteen of the things.

    Ever try to drink fifteen Amaretto milkshakes?

    • Pintester

      I don’t think I’ve ever tried to drink 15 of anything. But that sounded like a dare…

  • Anon

    Why are you being so negative about it when you admit to not even using the ingredients the recipe calls for. Of course it’s going to suck. Did you have any “pintests” that actually worked out for you?

    • Pintester

      I prefer to think of it as self-deprecating rather than negative. And maybe “kisses lightly” instead of “sucks.” No, you’re right. It sucked. And, no, most of my pin tests fail miserably… but it makes for better blogs, so I’m rarely disappointed about that.

    • Lauren

      GTFO if you don’t like and APPRECIATE her blog! Also, some people on Pinterest aren’t as crafty as those who post stuff, such as this shit hole of a drink!

    • kelly

      Anon, you are an idiot.

    • rickH

      as much as i love this blog…. I completely agree with you and was thinking the exact same thing myself. It’s clear science….. When you don’t follow the formula you can’t expect the same result.

  • http://Kellyheet.blogspot.com Hippie Mama Kelly

    I have a red headed FOUR year old tear distributor, she sheds them on a daily basis so just let me know when you need some. ;-)

    Plus, I am honored that you are following me on the Pinterest. (everything is cooler with the word the in front of it, right?)

  • Brandon Houlihan

    I’m intrigued by popcorn salt. What is this magical thing you speak of?

    • Joanna

      You don’t know what popcorn salt is? Oh, you poor man. It’s glorious.
      Maybe not as a substitute for coarse salt on the rim of a drink, but on popcorn, yes.

  • Juani (@juaniWC)

    That Martha Stewart cocktail has got to be Photoshopped – it’s just way too pretty to actually be drinkable.

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  • Mary

    I personally think if you made the thing as directed and it came out perfect then your blog wouldn’t be any fun! Let’s be honest, we’ve all got pinterest happy and started out on some project or recipe we didn’t have all the correct ingredients too! And she is actually attempting to make more stuff than a lot of the people. Those people who pin, but never create. Kudos to you! Keep up the good work!
     

  • CourtneyCampos

    OMG, so this one was so funny…I started crying at work. Love it!

  • Caity

    Hahaha. You used popcorn seasoning. That is so hilarious and disgusting. I found you last night on “pinterest” and I am now addicted to your blog. Keep up the good work. I’d love to see you make the fruit roll ups. That has to be a fail for sure.

  • JaimeKincaid

    I actually do have grapefruit, kosher salt, and real, homemade grenadine in my kitchen right now.