The Dandy Lion

0 Posted by - August 3, 2012 - Food & Drink

Do you guys ever wish you were an old French dude in a cafe, getting blitzed out of his mind and then creating, like, ground-breaking art and short stories and shit? Ok, maybe that’s just me. But apparently the way to do this is to drink absinthe, otherwise known as the green muse.

Not only does absinthe make you a creative genius, but it’s also shrouded in mystery and danger, having been banned until fairly recently. (How do I know all this? Let’s just say that Netflix Watch It Now has a limited selection, and when you’re bored, a documentary on absinthe sounds positively badass.) So I had to try it.

Unfortunately, turns out that absinthe tastes like butt. More specifically, it tastes like black licorice butt. I’m not being racist– I mean the black licorice as opposed to the red licorice. In any case, I’m stuck with almost a full bottle of absinthe because of Netflix Watch It Now and my desire to be just like Van Gogh, minus the ear chopping off part.

Enter the dandy lion.

Image from Epicurious

AHA! thought I. Now I can get rid of this stuff in a cocktail, because stuff never tastes as bad in a cocktail. Take my beloved Tom Collins, for example. Gin by itself tastes like pinecone juice. But in a Tom Collins, it’s lovely.

I attempted this cocktail once before, but had a flaccid cucumber incident. Well, really, liquified cucumber. (Got that mental image? You’re welcome.) This time, though, I was armed with a properly turgid cucumber, thank you very much.

And also, I acquired a muddler. Aren’t you guys proud of me? I didn’t have to use the blunt end of my absinthe spoon to muddle this! I am obviously thrilled:

At this point I was getting all excited and could almost feel the green muse creeping up on me to make me a paragon of literary prowess.

And then I took a drink.

And, despite there only being half an ounce of absinthe in the whole cocktail, it still tasted like black licorice butt. I drank half of it anyway, because, hell, I took the effort to muddle it and everything, but the green muse apparently needs a little more incentive to show up, and I ended up only slightly fuzzy-brained and tummy-upsetted.

At least I didn’t chop my ear off or anything.

  • Doctor Tarr

    First, absinthe never was dangerous.  It was banned as part of the hysteria that led to Prohibition.  It seems more powerful than other booze because it is very high in alcohol.Second, I don’t get “red licorice”. Licorice is a root that is anise flavored.  Things like Twizzlers have no licorice in them.  If there’s no licorice root in them, it isn’t licorice, no matter what the shape.  That’s like calling anything served in a martini glass a martini.Third, I join you in your dislike of all things anise-ish.  You are just going to have to find someone who likes that taste.  I believe there are people who do.You can try making a Sazerac using absinthe as the liqueur.  There’s a lot less in it, and it’s strong enough that you may not notice.

  • Bye1960

    I bought a bottle of that nasty shit a couple years ago….ended up just giving it to my co-worker!

  • http://enchantedhue.com/ enchantedhue

    Absinthe is actually called ‘the green fairy’, not ‘green muse’ ;) It is the wormwood in the absinthe that lead to the ban. Today’s absinthe contains less of it.Although I dislike the flavor of anis, drinking absinthe is a cultural celebration. You pour a bit of absinthe in a special glass, put a slotted absinthe spoon across it, and place a sugar cube on top. Then ice cold water is slowly dripped onto the sugar cube, which melts into the absinthe, clouds it up, and releases the subtle scents of the herbs. Listen to Edith Piaf while doing so, and you can imagine yourself sitting in a cafe at Montmartre…

  • StephHC

    Wow. There are so many people on their Absinthe high horse commenting…I personally agree with you. It tastes like black licorice butt. I tried it for the first time as a shot on a dare. BLECH! I say chuck the bottle and get something better tasting…like vodka

    • http://sincerelyslapdash.wordpress.com/ SincerelySlapdash

      StephHC Yeah right.  Sometimes I think people forget this is a humor blog.  

  • http://doesthismakemybloglookfat.blogspot.com/ Leauxra

    How to make absinthe taste slightly less like gagging:Pour some regular Coca-Cola.  Add a little absinthe.  Mix well.  If you really like the whole absinthe spoon thing, do the burning sugar cube thing, but use Coke instead of water to put it out.  It’s called an “Atomic Root Beer”, and you can sort of drink it.

  • chickieD

    Try a sazerac!

  • Truffles8761

    I won’t drink anything that tastes like ass.  I don’t care how creative it’s supposed to make me.  I’ll toss back a shot of Sambuca and be a dullard, thank you very much.

    • Doctor Tarr

      Truffles8761 Except Sambuca is also anise flavored.  As is Ouzo.  As are lot and lots of liqueurs. 

      • Truffles8761

        Doctor Tarr  Indeed it is.  The difference is that Sambuca is not also ass flavored.

      • princessmom09

        Doctor Tarr anise/ anus . . . i choked after all the butt tasting jokes.

  • http://urthalun.com/ Julie

    My son bought some black-market type, a few years ago.  I no longer drink, the last one was pre that child (he’s 28), but let me tell you, THIS was awesome!  No, I don’t like licorice.  Wanna know what this reminded me of more?  NyQuil.  On the rocks.  I’d say try that Atomic Root Beer thing, and let us know how it goes.  Never throw out good booze, and this, to someone, IS good.

  • Groove Chicken

    I spent the summer semester in Czech Republic last year, and let me tell you getting absinthe from the motherland REALLY makes a difference.  In Prague there are bars specifically for getting shmammered on absinthe and I took full advantage of it. Not sure if it was the absinthe or not, but I definitely remember a drunk german in neon yellow lederhosen.

  • http://www.bringyourownglitter.com/ Kimberly

    Pass that shit over here. I’ve been wanting to make absinthe cupcakes foreva, and we are some licorice-lovin’ fiends in my house.

  • Valleygurlie916

    The Flaccid Cucumber….should be the name of a bar

  • KissChronicles

    *passes the TUMS* Really, TUMS should sponsor your blog.

  • FoodStoriesBlog

    Never tried the stuff … Now, I don’t think I need to :-)

  • 1dustytrack

    Just wanted you to know you have at least 1 male Teste out here following your posts. Love your blog, but I’m a bit concerned you just may be my ex-wife. If you are not, at least in the kitchen, you could be her twin sister. She was screwing up recipe’s long before there was a Pinterest!Keep testing & please, keep reporting!Ken – http://www.1dustytrack.com

  • MaryElizabethHardin

    My husband loves the stuff but I personally think it is awful

  • Sahra

    Oh man, my first real drunk experience was with raw absinthe, and you
    can probably guess how well that went! But there’s actually a really
    nice absinthe cocktail called Death in the Afternoon, where you mix
    champagne/sparkling wine and absinthe, and it’s delicious!

    • Truffles8761

      Sahra That actually sounds pretty good.  Was it overly “herby”?

      • Sahra

        Truffles8761 It loses a lot of the strong anis flavor, but still gives the champagne a nice kick. Dunno the ratio of the mix, but I’d guess 1/4 absinthe 3/4 champagne.

  • http://painfulspaghetti.blogspot.com/ Kelly Fox

    I had to chuckle at tastes like butt! Imma gonna get me some now, just so I can offer it to people. And when they say “What does it taste like? I’m going to say “Black licorice butt!’ awesome.

  • Juni7578

    I saw that documentary and then bought black licorice butt too.

  • http://www.thecleverlife.etsy.com/ Hilary

    your assessment of gin is SPOT ON. I tried it when I was like 16 (thanks mom!) and nearly spit it out, claiming it tasted like a pine tree.x Hilary

  • OhLemontine

    i loved absinthe the first time i tried it… but then again, i love
    licorice. this sounds interesting… along with the death in the
    afternoon one someone mentioned in the comments… will certainly have
    to try when I’m no longer breastfeeding lol

  • ElizabethL

    I was so excited to try Absinthe, it having been banned most of my life, image my disappointment when I realized it tasted just like the “NightQuil” of my youth, when it was still appox 50% alcohol. I have a bottle which my daughter gave me when she moved, I’m still willing to try again and I’m looking for any drink suggestions

    • Truffles8761

      @ElizabethL Go the old fashioned route with flaming sugar cube.  Bet that’ll cut the taste of ass a bit.

  • http://ourownbigworld.wordpress.com/ MyOwnLittleWorld

    I was reading your funny description of Absinthe…and weboth know it tastes like butt because as you we were enamored by its history…but his only response is “I bookmarked that documentary!”   I love my dork and your funny blog!www.myownbigworld.wordpress.comwww.henderbalz.come

  • BakerBaby

    Hey, I just wanted to let you know the proper way to drink absinthe. I only know because I am currently living in Germany and have a shop down the road that makes absinthe. First pour your shot of absinthe, then pour put sugar into a mess or something that won’t let the sugar fall through, next pour about half a shot (or more to your liking) over the sugar into the absinthe, finally drink. If you feel kind of piro at the time you can light your drink on fire first (traditional). Good luck with the rest of your absinthe.

  • http://www.facebook.com/CutTheFool Jessi Torres

    For the longest time, I thought that absinthe was some form of poison. For serious. Until about five years ago. I’m 32 :-/