Do you guys ever wish you were an old French dude in a cafe, getting blitzed out of his mind and then creating, like, ground-breaking art and short stories and shit? Ok, maybe that’s just me. But apparently the way to do this is to drink absinthe, otherwise known as the green muse.
Not only does absinthe make you a creative genius, but it’s also shrouded in mystery and danger, having been banned until fairly recently. (How do I know all this? Let’s just say that Netflix Watch It Now has a limited selection, and when you’re bored, a documentary on absinthe sounds positively badass.) So I had to try it.
Unfortunately, turns out that absinthe tastes like butt. More specifically, it tastes like black licorice butt. I’m not being racist– I mean the black licorice as opposed to the red licorice. In any case, I’m stuck with almost a full bottle of absinthe because of Netflix Watch It Now and my desire to be just like Van Gogh, minus the ear chopping off part.
Enter the dandy lion.
AHA! thought I. Now I can get rid of this stuff in a cocktail, because stuff never tastes as bad in a cocktail. Take my beloved Tom Collins, for example. Gin by itself tastes like pinecone juice. But in a Tom Collins, it’s lovely.
I attempted this cocktail once before, but had a flaccid cucumber incident. Well, really, liquified cucumber. (Got that mental image? You’re welcome.) This time, though, I was armed with a properly turgid cucumber, thank you very much.
And also, I acquired a muddler. Aren’t you guys proud of me? I didn’t have to use the blunt end of my absinthe spoon to muddle this! I am obviously thrilled:
At this point I was getting all excited and could almost feel the green muse creeping up on me to make me a paragon of literary prowess.
And then I took a drink.
And, despite there only being half an ounce of absinthe in the whole cocktail, it still tasted like black licorice butt. I drank half of it anyway, because, hell, I took the effort to muddle it and everything, but the green muse apparently needs a little more incentive to show up, and I ended up only slightly fuzzy-brained and tummy-upsetted.
At least I didn’t chop my ear off or anything.