There are many things I like to do in the comfort of my own home: watch movies, sing, and poop for example (but not all at the same time– although I could, since it’s my house and all). One of those things is also to get naked, slather a bunch of lotion on my cellulite, and then wrap myself up in cellophane. What, you don’t do that at home?
Alright, I admit, I never do it at home either. But according to Pinterest, you can:
Before I continue, I feel like this is the first post where I really need to do a disclaimer: Don’t try this at home, guys. Medical professionals would probably shit themselves if they knew people were doing this. So just don’t. I know, I know. I did it. But I’m a professional (meaning I get paid to do stupid stuff, for real).
There are all kinds of recipes for how to make the stuff you apply to yourself before cellophaning, but I am too lazy for all that. I gathered a mug of tea and then whatever crap I could find around my bathtub.
That’s, like, what’s leftover of a mud mask, some cellulite cream, and a salt scrub or something. The tube of mud mask was so old that the bottle cracked and busted open when I started squeezing it out. So that was fun. Also, I mixed it with my hands, which was even more fun. It was like mud-pies for self-conscious, fat-thighed grown-ups.
When I was done, my concoction was pleasing to the eye as well as the nose:
The application part was pretty nasty. Imagine smearing Cool Whip from your knees to your belly button. Now imagine that Cool Whip smells like vomit. Alright, now imagine you have to leave it on, saran wrap yourself, and then go take a nap for an hour. Magical, yes?
I mean, the nap part actually wasn’t that bad. The dog took a nap with me and decided not to bark for no fucking reason or vomit up her breakfast or anything, and the thought that “working” at that moment meant taking a nap actually entered my mind several times, and I was well pleased.
But then it was time to take all that stuff off, and it was not really that fun anymore. The post said to leave on the lotion-stuff until your next shower, but that was so not going to happen. I showered it off immediately.
AND, I did take measurements before and after the treatment, because, really, when you’re testing a pin with as much scientific accuracy as I do, you need empirical results. Want to guess how many inches I lost? I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with “hero” (as in I am your hero for saving you the effort of losing zero inches with this at-home wrap that is messy and smelly and offers no real results).
So, unless you think it’s really fun to take a nap while marinating in the juices of your left-over beauty supplies and your own sweat, you can probably safely skip this one.
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