Resurrection Rolls

1 Posted by - March 29, 2013 - Easter, Food & Drink

Who doesn’t love a good object lesson, especially one that involves a holiday that kids love, like Easter? These are called resurrection rolls, because they symbolize Jesus’ empty tomb.

Image from Eat At Allie's

Image from Eat At Allie’s

Guys, I grew up in church. I have respect for church, in many ways. I understand that this is a holy holiday and stuff.

But they made Jesus a marshmallow.

How am I supposed to be reverent when Jesus is a marshmallow?

Here’s the idea: You put a marshmallow (Jesus) inside a biscuit (the tomb), and then you bake it (but not for three days) and supposedly when you open the “tomb,” there’s nothing inside. It’s a miracle. Jesus’ body is gone. And then you eat the tomb and the metaphor falls apart, but anyway…

Know what makes this grosser? You’re supposed to dip the marshmallow in butter to symbolize the embalming oils, and then roll it in cinnamon sugar to symbolize putting spices on Jesus’ rotting corpse. Is it any wonder I had nightmares from Sunday school well into my teens? Between smelly corpses coming back to life (which happens more than once in the Bible), devil-possessed herds of pigs, and the apocalypse, I don’t know who makes it through Sunday school without nightmares.

Anyway, aside from the creepy metaphor, I really just wanted to see if this would work, plus I had some leftover cinnamon rolls.

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I skipped the embalming of the Christ-marshmallow because the biscuits already had cinnamon in them. Again, the metaphor does not hold. Sorry.

I squished the biscuits flat…

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And then rolled them around the marshmallows and pinched them closed.

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And into the hell of incompletely thought-out metaphors it went:

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Now I don’t know if I just didn’t set the thermostat in Hell high enough, or what, but when I opened the oven, Jesus had leaked all over my cookie sheet.

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(No, I am not going to make that joke about Jesus. There are lines even I will not cross.)

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And despite the fact that if you did this with a child, the object lesson would be effectively ruined and you would have given little Junior the idea that Jesus got out of the tomb by melting himself into a squishy puddle and seeping under the door, like an X-Men character or something, I decided to cut these open anyway and see what happened.

Indeed, they were empty.

 

rolls

Uh… Hosannah?

69 Comments

  • Karaline March 29, 2013 - 8:00 am Reply

    i’ve seen before where this didn’t work…anywhore, last nite i heard my boyfriend telling his 9 year old son what Good Friday and Easter was about and all i could think about was “braaaaaaaaaaainnnnnssss”, giggling to myself, i started telling the dog the story of Zombie Jesus. i got death stares from the boyfriend. yep, i’m a heathen, i’m ok with that. 🙂 i’ll take my zombies Romero style please.

    and dude, i love your blog. it inspires me to make one of my own but i’m too lazy.

  • Elizabeth Ann Taylor March 29, 2013 - 8:40 am Reply

    The runny marshmallows happened with my crescent rolls too, those suckers just won’t stay put. They are rather delicious though! they’re called hocus pocus buns too if resurrection rolls seems like a stretch 🙂

  • elizabeth arras March 29, 2013 - 8:40 am Reply

    I’d never heard of resurrection rolls, either… and i “grew up in the church”… ok, not really in a church. But anyhow – your blog is hilarious. Seriously makes me cry every time I read it (because I’m laughing so hard). Love it.

    • Breenah March 29, 2013 - 9:26 am Reply

      I grew up in the church too and never heard of them. I learned of them via Pinterest.

      • GirlWho Cried Skinny March 29, 2013 - 10:22 am Reply

        I’ve decided that’s because normal people know it’s a bad idea! (I grew up in church too)

  • Cozette DeVirgilio March 29, 2013 - 8:46 am Reply

    OK of all the miracles mentioned in the above pintest, the one I am most suspicious of is left over cinnamon rolls??? How the hell does that happen?

  • Joy March 29, 2013 - 8:59 am Reply

    Ugh, I tried this recipe once with Peeps. Peeps explode in the oven. How’s that for a metaphor.

  • Gina March 29, 2013 - 9:16 am Reply

    Sacrilege! Tasty, tasty sacrilege!

  • Breenah March 29, 2013 - 9:26 am Reply

    I actually made those last year with the crescent rolls and they worked mostly like they were supposed to, but there were a few that leaked. They were delicious none the less.

  • B March 29, 2013 - 9:35 am Reply

    so my family has been making these for DECADES. But with no Easter story attached. We called them ‘Snow storm sticky buns’ and you were only allowed to make and eat them on days when school was cancelled for snow because OMG so much sugar (we put icing on top too). Also, I used to eat like 5, which as an adult looking back is so gross(ish)…5 refrigerator biscuits and 5 marshmallows?!?! (also, I know you are not looking for tips, but baking them in muffin tins sort of helps the shape issue, though getting them to stay sealed is a skill only my mom seems to have. Mine are always oozy and drippy and…yeah)

    • Llama spit March 29, 2013 - 8:57 pm Reply

      The way you describe yours makes me think of puss or blisters… Sounds delicious.

      • Catherine April 1, 2013 - 10:45 am Reply

        Which goes back into some one else talking about how they look like leprosy.

  • Jenny Leigh Phillips March 29, 2013 - 10:01 am Reply

    Two words: Muffin tin.

  • Marissa Phillips March 29, 2013 - 10:16 am Reply

    My fiancee and I made these and were equally disturbed by the “leaky Jesus” problem. We promptly forgot that after we tried them and ate the whole pan of them. Does that make us cannibals?

  • GirlWho Cried Skinny March 29, 2013 - 10:20 am Reply

    I’ve seen these ALL over Pinterest for the last month (obviously in preparation for Easter, I know). And I, too, am VERY DISTURBED by this creepy and poorly-thought out metaphor. The funny thing is that we actually made these “cinnamon rolls” in my 8th grade home ec class! They were not “resurrection rolls” – they were just cinnamon roll puffs or something of that nature. And we did them in muffin tins. The trick is in the sticking together of the dough 🙂

    Love that you tested these, and I agree — making Jesus into a marshmallow pretty much demands a certain level of irreverence (which should have been Clue One to the original person who thought these up in the first place).

  • Mandy March 29, 2013 - 10:26 am Reply

    “Jesus had leaked all over my cookie sheet.” ~ New favorite quote. Thank you for that.

  • Emily Muise March 29, 2013 - 10:41 am Reply

    With the spots from the cinammon rolls, it looks a bit like leprosy.

  • Tiffany March 29, 2013 - 10:58 am Reply

    This seemed kind of gross when I saw the non Easter versions of this, I mean marshmellows dipped in butter? Also it looks like it would be hell to clean off the baking sheets.

  • Alexandra Killian March 29, 2013 - 11:08 am Reply

    Hey, if you’re going to be eating the body of Christ, these at least look tastier than those awful little communion wafers.

  • Cede March 29, 2013 - 12:21 pm Reply

    I am impressed that you guys ate them. I wouldn’t want to eat biscuits that look like they are filled with penis juices.

  • Jodee Rose March 29, 2013 - 12:30 pm Reply

    Jesus, the original Xman.

  • Joy Lu Vasquez March 29, 2013 - 1:03 pm Reply

    I’m all for symboklic shit but how does butter/embalming fluid and cinnamon/ dead people spices sound appealing to anyone?

    • Llama spit March 29, 2013 - 9:00 pm Reply

      Eating Embalming fluid and such? Hello, Clarice!

  • Kari Sue March 29, 2013 - 2:52 pm Reply

    I did try these last year and they were successful for me – I did have to really mash them closed though and I used regular biscuits not the cinnamon kind. I did not call them resurrection rolls they were just sweet hollow buns or something. Love your posts.

  • Katherine Horejsi March 29, 2013 - 3:14 pm Reply

    Well done you for taking on the religious metals AND the cutesy cooking mentals all in one post. Personally, I think it’s probably best to avoid a recipe that requires you to think about eating embalmed and entombed cadavers. I prefer eggs…chocolate ones…lots of them.

  • ajt4 March 29, 2013 - 3:26 pm Reply

    It would be far better if these were resurrection balls… just saying.

  • Bee March 29, 2013 - 4:26 pm Reply

    But how did they TASTE? Haha yeah I keep seeing these as “resurrection rolls” but I don’t even get it. So weird!

  • scot March 29, 2013 - 9:00 pm Reply

    Agreed about the creep factor of marshmallow Jesus embalmed in butter and cinnamon (where the embalmers Paula Dean’s ancestors?). I’ve made these, and Jesus leaked all over the cookie sheet, but his remnants were quickly scraped off and devoured. And lo, the buns were empty.

    Oh and the comment that KariSue made about them being “Sweet Hollow Rolls” opens the door for all sorts of irreverance. (Jesus leaked out of my Sweet Hollow).

    Thanks for making Good Friday…great Friday!

  • Amanda March 29, 2013 - 9:21 pm Reply

    “….even I will not cross.”

    Haha
    “cross”
    Hahahahaha

  • Diane Kuykendall March 29, 2013 - 9:50 pm Reply

    Maybe everyone else doesn’t have nightmares from church because they slept/daydreamed through it instead of paying attention? Or maybe you really pick up on things going on around you when you are sleeping/daydreaming?

  • Ashley Martin March 29, 2013 - 10:07 pm Reply

    Haha kudos to you for managing to keep this post PG rated. I would not have been able to manage.

    Also, a lady at work told me a little story the other day and the first thing I thought was how much Pintester and the Pintestes would love it. First off, this lady had to be in her mid 80’s, which only made this more hilarious. Apparently, before Jesus and the resurrection were celebrated on Easter, it used to be a holiday celebrating fertility. The symbols for the day were an egg, for obvious reasons, and a rabbit. I couldn’t see the reasoning behind the rabbit so I asked this lady if she knew. This is the exact response I got: “I wasn’t quite sure about that either. I suppose it is because rabbits fuck like crazy and have many babies.” I shit you not, this sweet looking old lady said “fuck like crazy”. I was dying laughing. I still have no idea if there is any truth whatsoever to what she was saying, but it was hilarious and literally made my day.

    • Katherine Horejsi March 29, 2013 - 11:39 pm Reply

      This is completely true, it’s all about the pagan rites of spring which the church hijacked and called Easter. Just so you know, the word Easter is from Oestrus… Meaning egg, as in oestrogen (estrogen for US people). The may pole was actually a gigantic penis bedecked in ribbons which everybody danced round and there were eggs and rabbits and spring blossom everywhere. The whole point of the rites was to celebrate new life, which I assume is why the church picked it…the whole coming back to life motif of the resurrection thingy.

      • Laurinda P March 30, 2013 - 3:40 pm Reply

        & rabbits can get pregnant with a litter of babies, while still pregnant with a litter of babies. ew

        • Jenelle W. March 30, 2013 - 5:15 pm Reply

          true that. and they do fuck like crazy, regardless of gender usually.

        • Katherine Horejsi March 30, 2013 - 5:43 pm Reply

          good for them, at least they’re still getting it while pregnant. I’m guessing they don’t suffer from morning sickness!!!

      • GeorgeyM March 31, 2013 - 8:27 am Reply

        childhood maypole dancing ruined!
        It’s true that rabbits fuck like no ones buisness, neutered or not *rolls eyes*

    • Isobel_A April 2, 2013 - 9:16 am Reply

      Indeedy. Anglo-Saxons had a goddess named Eostre/Ostara who was a fertility goddess, celebrated with feasts in April.

      • Roslyn April 16, 2013 - 10:40 am Reply

        Ostara’s earthly animal representation is a white hare. Eggs symbolize the return of Spring and the continuation of the circle of life. The May Pole is celebrated on May 1st, or May Day.

  • Stephanie Ard March 29, 2013 - 10:18 pm Reply

    Best post ever! I laughed so hard my dogs were concerned about me!

  • Jane Willis March 30, 2013 - 2:40 am Reply

    I always thought I wanted to be cremated when i die. But if the alternative is being rubbed all over with butter and then dipped in cinnamon, bring it on! In fact why bother waiting for death? It’s Easter weekend – bring on the butter!

  • LizJane March 30, 2013 - 11:20 am Reply

    YES. Just YES. This cracked my shit up and I felt compelled to share it on FB. Everyone should know of your awesomeness! 😀

  • Quincy March 30, 2013 - 11:54 am Reply

    Wooooowwww, being as I was raised by heathens, I’d never heard of these. My mom used to make fun of her mother (behind her back) on Easter Sunday by saying that, “Jesus and the rolls won’t rise unless we eat by 12:00pm.” (My grandmother liked to do Easter dinner at ridiculously early times.)

  • Gemini Girl March 30, 2013 - 12:14 pm Reply

    The big J leaking all over your cookie sheet? Hilarious omg!

  • veb313 March 30, 2013 - 6:49 pm Reply

    Wow.. until now I have never heard of these. Even my super religious Mother was all WTF?! In college I worked at a Christian book store. We got a catalog that had chocolate crucifixes with Jesus on them as an Easter basket treat. I am all for random things covered in chocolate but this was a bit too disturbing.

  • lizzabeth21 March 30, 2013 - 6:54 pm Reply

    My husbands says that these remind him of the song “Big butter Jesus”. It’s worth a listen.. fair warning it can turn into an ear worm quickly.

  • Rebecca Henderson O’Sullivan March 31, 2013 - 8:58 pm Reply

    I’m all for teaching kids about Jesus, but I would not want to have to explain what a metaphor is to a child… which would then be followed by a conversation about embalming…

  • abby March 31, 2013 - 9:46 pm Reply

    Ha. They do actually taste better if you dip the marshmallow in butter, however, I highly disapprove of mixing food with death metaphors. Christ is risen, but not by seeping out of some damn store bought biscuits! (however good they may be)

  • Groovinchikin March 31, 2013 - 11:04 pm Reply

    mmm…We made these in VBS every year as a kid. I was way less concerned with the metaphor and way more interested in how delicious the Savior ooze was. There is nothing like sweet, crispy body o’ Christ. We used crescent rolls and muffin tins, but it’s the same creepy idea.

  • ChickieD April 1, 2013 - 11:42 am Reply

    You made me crack up! My daughter used to have a friend who lived near us whose family was religious. They were friends when they were 4, 5 years old. One time I caught part of a conversation where the friend was telling my daughter about “Baby Jesus on the cross.” Oh boy. I wonder if they make a sweet roll for *that*.

  • Hermione April 1, 2013 - 10:26 pm Reply

    Mom always made these at Christmas (as hocus pocus buns, Mom wasn’t a dip), using crescent rolls. The marshmallows have to be fresh, and it really helps if you put them in muffin tins.
    I want one now.
    And my mom.

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  • Ann Hamilton McGuire April 2, 2013 - 1:03 pm Reply

    My mom has made this recipe for years, except we call them “hocus pocus rolls” since the marshmallow “disappears.” So instead of enbalming and rotting our marshmallow Jesuses, we roll our magic mallows in butter and cinnamon sugar for delicious, magical goodness. We also use crescent rolls instead of cinnamon rolls. And it’s seriously the least healthy/most delicious breakfast food there is. Alakazam!

  • Emilee Kingsley April 2, 2013 - 5:22 pm Reply

    I’ve actually seen this done successfully before. The trick is that you have to leave a less-than-miraculous hole in the dough so that the Jesus-marshmallow has room to make a prison break. The moisture evaporates and they don’t explode so much. Of course this ruins the metaphor entirely, that’s why they don’t tell you.

  • nsroger April 2, 2013 - 5:51 pm Reply

    I’m one of those weirdos who cooked them for my first grade Sunday schoolers last spring. Crescent rolls. And it totally worked, and it was delicious! I think our group was just young enough not to be too confused by it

  • Karaline April 2, 2013 - 6:12 pm Reply

    oh, it takes a whole lot to offend me. lol, i’ll have to check it out 🙂 thanks!

  • Korie Yarborough April 3, 2013 - 10:23 am Reply

    By far my favorite post so far! “Jesus had leaked all over my cookie sheet.”- best line. Ever.

  • Ericann25 April 3, 2013 - 5:32 pm Reply

    How did leaky Jesus and his tomb taste?

  • Laura L April 4, 2013 - 11:11 pm Reply

    LMAO I just found your blog (how is it possible I didn’t see this before?), and am having an excellent time reading. Also, wishing I’d known you when we were living in Durham, because really, you are made of win and awesome, even if all the stuff you try isn’t.

    Now I want to make Wonder Twins rolls, and put marshmallows in some and animal crackers in others…

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  • Jennmarie68 April 5, 2013 - 8:46 pm Reply

    I would think those that are easily offended probably didn’t even make it to the comments – and if they did I’m guessing they stopped after the first couple. But I’m making the assumption that the easily offended are also the highly spiritual and would be offended by the whole idea of the post. And I have to make that assumption because there’s not one mention of a penis in this post. And some find words like penis offensive. But I have to admit I’m kind of disappointed, nothing says Easter like penis???

    But thanks for the website. Now when I’m not reading pintester I’ll have something else to waste my time and help me ignore people 🙂

    • Catherine April 8, 2013 - 9:32 am Reply

      IDK. I’ve seen a lot of people on websites that are pretty offensive, get offended. I think some people like getting offended and complaining about it because it gives them something to do while the kids that are normally on their lawn are at school.

  • Curious3D April 8, 2013 - 4:51 pm Reply

    Where has this recipe been all my life? I had no idea I could combine snacking and blasphemy into one activity!

  • Shannon Martin May 9, 2013 - 10:48 am Reply

    I have made this recipe since I was in 7th grade. We made them in home ec class but they didn’t use the Jesus metaphor. Anyway, we cooked ours in muffin tins to contain the marshmallow ooze. They were de-licious! I’m not a big fan of adding Jesus to the equation for all the reasons you listed.

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  • Kelsirae17 May 28, 2013 - 11:52 pm Reply

    My family has made these (using a slightly different Betty Crocker recipe) every year for Christmas since my mom was little. We call them Magic Marshmallow crescent puffs, which takes care of the creepy Jesus/marshmallow metaphor. I see a few things wrong with this recipe.

    1- use crescent rolls instead of biscuits. They puff up nicely, have a better consistency, and are thin and stretchy to cover the marshmallow.

    2- make SURE you have covered the marshmallow completely. Pinch every hole shut. I can’t stress this enough, if there is any kind of hole, your marshmallow will asplode.

    3- put them in muffin tins. Alternitively, if you don’t have 8 billion muffin tins, line the cookie sheet with tin foil. We always line the bottom of the oven, too. Cuz were paranoid like that.

    Here are just some tips I’ve collected over 20+ years of making these delicious pastries 200 at a time each year.

    – you can never have too much cinnamon sugar. Ever.
    – use one hand for rolling in butter and the other for cinnamon sugar. Less messy.
    – recruit the kiddos. Especially when making these on Christmas or Easter, there is never a shortage of young ones around. Rolling marshmallows is a perfect job for trouble-making fingers.
    – cooking spray. In the muffin tin. Do it.
    – we always add a glaze. Cuz why not? It’s milk and powdered sugar. Mix until yummy.

    It may take a few tries to get just right but, once you do, it will be the highlight of your holiday meals. No joke, I start dreaming about these in November.

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  • thatpandabitca April 16, 2014 - 2:38 am Reply

    “Now I don’t know if I just didn’t set the thermostat in Hell high enough, or what, but when I opened the oven, Jesus had leaked all over my cookie sheet.”

    I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe oh god why? You are obviously trying to kill us all.

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