Paleo Chili

1 Posted by - July 22, 2013 - Food & Drink


As you know if you’ve been reading the blog this month, husband and I have been attempting to eat paleo diet-ish stuff for 30 days. Guys, I have to say, I’m pretty much sold. Not to be all TMI, but every body odor is less odory when you don’t eat processed food.

I even tested that theory with paleo chili. Now, granted, paleo also eliminates beans from the diet, and if anything causes malodorous emanations, it’s beans, so this chili is immediately less iffy than your typical beany chili.

Image from (I'm pretty sure this is not the actual chili described, though, since sour cream is not paleo...)

Image from (I’m pretty sure this is not the actual chili described, though, since sour cream is not paleo…)

Guys, beans are my favorite. I don’t even care. At least 8% of the reason I got married is so that I can eat chili and fart without worrying if a dude will break up with me over it. (Yes, divorce happens, but not usually over farts, if my research is correct.*)

But, I was willing to try this chili, even sans beans, because I’m committed to this whole paleo thing (for at least the next 8 days).

This month I have become quite adept at chopping vegetables without making trips to the emergency room. There was a period in my life where I was not allowed to use the kitchen knives because my long-suffering husband got tired of watching me injure myself, freak the hell out, and eventually pass out. I have acquired some skill since then, though. Observe.

choppin veggies

The awesome thing about this chili is that you use one pot for everything. First you cook the veggies a little…

cook veggies

And then you add more meat than any one person should be able to handle (that’s what she said) and cook that…


And then you add a fucktillion garlic cloves because if you’re not going to have bean farts, you might as well have garlic seeping out of your pores.


And then you add the tomato-ey stuff and spices (lots of spices) and simmer that shit for, like, you know, hours, because that’s how chili do.

chili pot

I have to say, I was skeptical, but this was some pretty darn good chili. Lots of nice flavor, and of course you know I love the meat. (Hurrhurr.) Know what would have made it better? Beans. And some cheddar cheese and sour cream on top. And Saltines. Womp womp.

But even just plain, it was decent chili.

paleo beanless chili

For those of you sticking around to the bitter (hind) end because you want to know what sort of odor it caused, the garlic was a little stinky, but there were no bean farts to speak of, since it was beanless. Kind of a let-down I know. To make it up to you, here’s this.

* I did not do any actual research on this. But I’m sure there is data. Gottman, get on that shit.

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  • rfoust

    That’s the best movie clip of all time!

  • Kerie

    Are those Wusthof knives you have? If so, yeah. Those effers are sharp. I have a boning knife from them (that’s what she said) and it will cut clean thru a femur.

    Uh, not that I have tried.. *ahem*

    • Pintester

      I think they’re called Two Man Henkel knives… or that’s what my husband calls them. And yes, they are sharp. Like a lot.

  • Texan

    My husband makes chili every couple of weeks once the temperature down here in Texas drops below 70 degrees. There are no veggies besides the tomato paste and it. is. awesome. And beanless. Cause real chili don’t have no beans, y’all.

    • Noelle

      Please to be telling my Taller Half that chili doesn’t have beans. He seems to think it should have 3 different kinds of beans. And I hate beans. GIVE ME MEAT FILLED CHILI, M’KAY.

  • Jessi

    Beans are my favourite too! :D Lima beans, to be exact, but I love anything that has beans added to it. WOO!

  • curious cate

    I’m confused – where are the chilies

    • Texan

      In the chili powder. ;-)

  • Cara

    That looks delicious! But I’m in the pro-beans camp when it comes to chili. That much meat (the recipe says 2lbs!) seems like I might get the meat sweats (technical term) afterwards.

    Are you planning on sticking with Paleo after 30 days?


    • Pintester

      Probably– it makes my digestion better. :)

    • rfoust

      The paleo thing works. Those people are on to something. Losing weight and not starving, and feeling great. Still hard to avoid bad food though, just because I want it. Give it a month though and combine it with exercise (like Crossfit). :)

  • Diane

    Ick, I can’t stand meat chili. Must have beans! And cheese! And crackers!

  • Brooke Emshoff

    Watch that video without sound. Even more hilarious.

    • Sandi Boyd

      because you said so, I just did that – it looks like…I can’t decide, like either they’re all trying to lift off, or their doing some weird version of the wave, or what, lol!! I laughed until I cried, and my kid looked at me like “what the HELL is wrong with you???”

      • Brooke Emshoff

        That’s fantastic! Glad you enjoyed it!

  • airmanswife

    I had no idea that no-bean chili (my first love) is paleo. Maybe there’s something to this diet thing after all…hmm. Anyway, did you use the coffee it calls for? Or sub with broth? Cause I mean, I love coffee and I’ll try anything, but that’s kinda weird.

    • Pintester

      I used the coffee. I couldn’t taste it, but it didn’t seem to hurt anything.

  • Von

    For years I have substituted plain low-fat yogurt for sour cream. Is that Paleo? I know proper chili doesn’t have beans, but I make it without meat, so, yeah, need beans.

    • Pintester

      No, no dairy on paleo at all. Well, I guess it could be coconut milk sour cream, but ew.

  • LittleOldLady

    I think of that scene in Blazing Saddles every time I eat anything beany! Makes me giggle. Also, you need to check out the Thug Kitchen blog if you haven’t already. Best curse-word-loaded recipes ever. They’re healthy, too, so there’s that.

  • Jenn

    I’m actually really excited about this, I’m glad it turned out well. I’m allergic to beans (i know right?) but I love chili!! Thanks for testing this one!

  • Sandi Boyd

    I love you, if for no other reason than the Blazing Saddles clip! Thank you for an awesome start to my day!

  • Ethne Hedren Denham

    I tried convincing the hubby to do a paleo diet, but he won’t give up potatoes and cheese large-scale. I love any post where you manage to use a fucktillion of anything.

  • Miranda Pridgeon

    If you love beans and are watching your weight…the slow-carb diet is for you! My husband and I are doing it. All you do is eat meat and beans. Overload the protein then have one cheat day a week. It’s actually excellent. I’m a huge bean lover too! This chili looks really good though!

  • BrittanyPerryman


  • MrsBox

    Isn’t that just a recipe for bolognaise?

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  • MaryEllen Miller

    I’m from Texas, where putting beans in chili is against the rules. And, against the law. And, against most religions. And, it’s just without saying that things like coffee punkin pie spice (WTF!) are on the “Do Not Use” list. Coffee is to help you wake up in the morning. Punkin pie spice is for Thanksgiving. Neither of those things include, “Put in the chili.” We facilitate some Chili Cook-off Team Building activities and I’ve seen some weird shit go into chili, but not punkin pie spice OR coffee.

  • AmazedHuman

    Ain’t no chili without beans. Love that recipe, but it has to have beans and cheddar cheese!

  • Eleni

    That was actually a pretty damn good “that’s what she said”!

  • AdrunG

    Anybody who knows beans about chili, knows chili ain’t got beans! Or Pumpkin pie spice or coffee for that matter.

  • Darby

    First of all Chili is whatever you want it to be….I don’t really care what you texans say. You see I didn’t capitalize the t in texas because everything isn’t bigger there. I fairly
    sure the origins of chili didn’t come from texas just like you guys didn’t invent bbq.

  • Sanity

    You are gross. I can’t believe someone would sleep with you.

    • thatpandabitca

      You’re a snit of a person, I can’t believe you feel the need to come here and be a jerk to someone for no fucking reason. You might want to adjust the stick in your ass.