I thought it was time for a craft because we haven’t had one of those in a while, but then I went looking for fall crafts and they all involved pumpkins, and my pumpkins are currently on the front porch, uncarved and moldy, so I’m not doing one of those.
I settled on these slightly crafty apple candles.
Mostly I settled on these because they looked pretty darn hard to fuck up and I sort of had a bad day and I wasn’t really in the mood to fuck something up. Plus they look all festive and shit.
You just need an apple and a little candle.
So I have this theory about bad days. It’s called the Cosmic Ball of Crap theory. Basically, bad days just escalate and escalate because bad attracts bad. So as your day goes along it sort of snowballs into this cosmic mass of shittiness that can then roll right over you.
That’s probably why when I took the sticker off the apple, this is what I found.
Fuck you, clever grocery store employee who made me buy an apple with a wormhole in it because I didn’t think to check under the goddamn sticker. That was evil.
But at least I won’t feel bad about wasting a perfectly edible apple on this project now.
At this point I mostly just wanted to be done, so I vaguely measured around the candle and started chopping at the apple with a paring knife. I recommend you be more careful.
And, dudes, I even let some of the wax drip down the sides and stuff because I wanted some damn ambience, yo. Anyway, it’s a worm-eaten apple with a candle jammed in it. I’m sure you’re all impressed. Next time I’m having a bad day, I think I’ll just skip the crafting and start immediately on the drinking.