And you know I have a hard time resisting things that are stinking cute, like these edible Christmas wreaths.
Plus, I was headed to some holiday parties this weekend and needed something to bring along. (Don’t worry– I know me. I had a backup plan, and that backup plan was booze. If I succeed? You get cute edible Christmas wreaths. If I fail? You get booze. Win-win.)
I got some warnings when I pinned this:
1. It takes forever and ever.
2. It is a pain in the butt.
3. Your fingers will turn green.
Heedless of the wind and weather falalalala motherfuckers. I decided to do it anyway.
I was almost foiled immediately upon my trip to Target when I could not find Cornflakes and I spent ten minutes in the cereal aisle muttering, “How can you not have Cornflakes, Target? Jesus. That is un-American, and I hate you.” (No one thought I was weird because you can pretty much do anything you want in the grocery aisles of Target at Christmas and you will be behaving better than anyone else in the store.) And then I found the lone box of Cornflakes at Target and, lo, it was ginormous.
So now I have lots and lots of extra Cornflakes, which I do not eat, you know, in the traditional sense with milk on them and stuff. I’m one of those stuck up carbs-are-bad-mmkay people… First world problems, guys. (Apparently I have no problem eating carbs when they are slathered in more carbs, dyed green, and called festive, though.)
I was supposed to melt butter and marshmallows on the stove, but I did that a few weeks ago and I don’t think it’s a better process than melting them in the microwave, so I opted for that. (Also, my pan was dirty.)
The recipe definitely calls for 6 cups of Cornflakes and 4 cups of mini marshmallows, plus some butter, but when this all melted down, it did not look like enough. However, I am unwilling to trust myself in these matters and figured the recipe must be right, and I mustered up my marshmallow faith and just went with it.
I got to use my industrial strength green food coloring again, too, guys. Weee!
(That’s like three drops, seriously. Stuff’s amazing.)
I was beginning to doubt some of the above mythos about these treats at this point because this whole process had taken like maybe five minutes so far. Not the most involved thing I’ve ever done by far.
I do think, though, that I was right about the Cornflake to marshmallow ratio. This still seems like not enough marshmallow sticky green shit to me.
Also beginning to doubt the one about turning my fingers green because I still hadn’t even touched the stuff yet, so my fingers were unaffected.
The next step was to pile globs onto parchment paper. No problem, especially if neatness doesn’t count.
And then the recipe said to spray your hands with cooking spray and form the Cornflake globs into wreath shapes. The hardest part was figuring out how to spray both hands… and then I realized I could spray one hand and then rub them together, because I have a goddamn college degree. Sigh.
Anyway, still not difficult, nor was it time-consuming. Yeah, the wreaths look a little bit like they’re still hanging up in April and starting to turn brown, but I blame that on the poor marshmallow coverage.
Know what the most time-consuming part was? Putting on the Redhots. The little red shit-pellets refused to stick properly (again, I blame not enough sticky marshmallow mess) and I pushed too hard and un-formed some of the wreaths and had to re-form them.
Still, I think this whole damn project was done in well under half an hour, and guys, if you can’t handle half an hour to make Christmas treats, you probably shouldn’t make Christmas treats, just sayin’.
Also, my fingers did not turn green. I am disappoint. I was hoping to at least get a funny story out of that.
Um, so, in conclusion, to all the people who warned me this would suck real bad: I don’t know what you’re talking about, and you should have more faith in me, and also, quit your bitchin’. It’s Christmas, for fuck’s sake.