#DeflateGate Super Bowl Egg Football Cupcake Thingies

1 Posted by - January 31, 2015 - Food & Drink

If you live under a rock and/or don’t read The Skimm, today is Super Bowl Sunday. In honor of the occasion, I wanted to make a delicious themed treat, and Pinterest tells me that the only way to do this is to make a foodstuff that looks like a football. I scrolled through endless pages of football shaped snacks, and finally landed on these beauties.

Football cupcakes in real egg shells! What? Image from Cupcakeproject.com

Football cupcakes in real egg shells! What? Image from Cupcakeproject.com

Now I read this post and the accompanying one where the blogger tells you how to do regular old run-of-the-mill not football-shaped cupcakes in egg shells, and let me tell you, if you do this the right way, you may as well kiss your weekend goodbye. It involves hours of prep work, brown food coloring (beh?), and filling your eggs with exactly the right amount of cake so that they don’t overflow at all, but also still fill up enough to be egg-shaped.

It all sounded much too fucking complicated for me. (You guys have seen this blog, right?) So instead of dying my eggs brown, I had the bright idea to buy brown eggs. I figure I’m pretty brilliant that way.

If you want brown eggs, let the chickens do all the hard work.

If you want brown eggs, let the chickens do all the hard work.

The blog post said to use a corkscrew to poke a hole in the eggs, which sounds like a fine idea if you have a normal person corkscrew, but I have a corkscrew-impaired person corkscrew for those of us with remedial corkscrewing skills.

I love this corkscrew, but it's not the best implement for poking holes in eggs, turns out.

I love this corkscrew, but it’s not the best implement for poking holes in eggs, turns out.

Did it work?

Nope.

Nope.

In searching my kitchen for other sharp, pointy things that might work to poke a delicate hole in an unboiled egg, I came upon this thing which you use to pick walnuts out of the shell and which we only get out about every 3 or 4 Christmases.

Nut pickers, it turns out, are the perfect implement to poke a hole in an egg. Just in case you needed to know.

Nut pickers, it turns out, are the perfect implement to poke a hole in an egg. Just in case you needed to know.

On my second try, I actually got one to work.

Mr. Egg's new anus

Mr. Egg’s new anus

I must stop here and give you a bit of a content warning. If you don’t like oozy things that look like they could be body fluids, you might want to stop reading. Because, guys, eggs are lots grosser than I thought they were. I mean, I’ve cracked my share of eggs in my life, but I’ve never watched them slowly ooze out of a newly-created orifice.

Mrs. Egg is having some girl part problems.

Mrs. Egg is having some girl part problems.

It actually made me a little sad. I sort of felt like a back alley abortion doctor or something, watching little baby chicken placenta leak out, and every now and then assisting with an insistent jab of my pokey thing.

(I apologize if you can never eat an egg again because I’ve pointed out that you’re eating chicken amniotic fluid and stuff. I know it’s gross. It’s totally true though.)

After egg number 2, I thought I had it down. Then this happened to egg number 3. Sigh.

another broken egg

Let me see if I can express to you how stressful it is to carefully, oh so carefully, poke a tiny hole in an egg that may or may not explode in your hand when you poke said hole. It’s sort of like how I imagine diffusing a bomb would be, except in the bomb situation, at least you don’t have to worry about getting salmonella in your eye.

On top of that stress, it takes forever to perform each egg abortion. Forever. I must have spent an hour freeing 8 eggs from their unwanted chickies. (I’ll stop now. I think the line is there.)

Also, then you end up with all this.

Yeah, I ran out of ramekins and had to use high ball glasses.

Yeah, I ran out of ramekins and had to use high ball glasses.

At this point, you immerse the empty shells in a saltwater bath, which I neglected to take a picture of because I was still traumatized from the stress and time involved in emptying 8 eggshells.

After half an hour, you take them out of the saltwater, rinse them, and let them dry. I don’t know why. I’m just following the damn rules.

empty shells

While they’re drying, you make your cake. If you’re me, that means opening a box of cake mix. On the plus side, I got to use up three of my shell-less eggs. So now I only have, like 7 still sitting in the fridge like weird alien petri dishes.

Then you nestle the eggs carefully in a cupcake tin lined with foil.

tin foil egg nests

And if you’re following directions, you pipe your cake batter in with a piping bag. Pintester ain’t got no time for a piping bag. So I used my usual trick: a baggie with a hole cut in one corner. Don’t judge. It totally works.

ghetto piping bag

Another content warning: I’m about to make a really gross analogy.

Have you guys ever heard of fecal transplants? They are exactly what they sound like. Basically, someone’s guts are missing all the good poop, and so to fix the situation, a poop donor (not kidding) gives a sample, the doctor blends it with saline, and then shoots it up the transplant recipient’s anus, et voila. Fecal transplant. It’s real science.

So my poor eggs, empty shells after their back-alley abortions, now had to undergo fecal transplants at the hands of the same hack doctor (me). I’m so sorry, eggs.

I carefully filled them like halfway full, hoping to avoid overflow. You know what happens, guys.

Also, there was leftover batter so I made cupcakes too. Why the hell not, right?

egg cupcakes ready to bake

Alas, when they came out, I was met with a sad, sad sight.

asploded egg cupcakes

Now here’s the part where I would have burst into tears had I actually followed the directions and dyed the eggs like I was supposed to because the original blog post says that if this happens, you’re basically fucked because if you take the extra batter off with a paper towel or something, the dye comes off, too.

HA HA! Try as you may, you cannot wipe the brown off these eggs because they came out of the chicken that way. Suck it, Internet. I am smarter than you.

Of course, if I hadn’t already sunk hours into this project, I might have quit here, because it was a painstaking and time-consuming process to wipe all of this clean.

poo egg

It is doable, though.

clean egg cupcake

The last step is the most brilliant of all, I’m telling you. So these really don’t look like footballs, right? I mean, they’re sort of just brown eggs with a mysterious anus. So what do you do with brown things that need to look like footballs? You paint seams on them, of course. But what might be suitable for painting white on a brown egg? Hmm.

I told you. Brilliant.

I told you. Brilliant.

You may ask, “But isn’t White Out toxic and shouldn’t you use something that won’t kill someone if they accidentally eat it?” to which I reply, if you are enough of a dumbfuck to eat the shell with the White Out on it, I have no sympathy. Also, I am so done with this project and do not wish to devote any more time to thinking about an edible way to make this work. So there.

Fine, they’re not as cute as the originals, but I also spent approximately 2.7 days less on mine (even though it still took like half a day).

They're supposed to look like footballs, but hey. You do what you gotta do.

They’re supposed to look like footballs, but hey. You do what you gotta do.

I cracked one open to see what it was like to actually eat one, too, and it was a little bit of a pain in the ass, guys. I don’t even like peeling actual eggs to eat them, and peeling a cupcake to eat it is super annoying. Also it doesn’t peel nicely. But it tastes like a cupcake so there’s that.

In conclusion, this took hours of my life that I will never get back, it’s not that cool, and I will never do it again. The end.

cracked cupcake

Summary
Article Name
#DeflateGate Super Bowl Egg Football Cupcake Thingies
Description
If you need to make a football-looking item for your sports-themed party this weekend, you'll have to plan WAY ahead for these.
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25 Comments

  • anemonerosie February 1, 2015 - 12:21 pm Reply

    Growing up we used to make Ukrainian easter eggs. To get the yolks out you prick it with a sewing needle and then make a little tiny hole there (and one needle prick at the top, too, to let the air out). That’s what this reminded me off. It might be easier to get the yolks out with an air hole?
    The use of brown eggs was brilliant! Way to go, out-thinking the instructions! Also, now you have enough eggs for a fritatta or omelette, too 🙂

  • Kat February 1, 2015 - 1:42 pm Reply

    Those came out nice but like you said in the end, after all the hard work and hours, having a cupcake filled egg that looks like a football just isn’t worth it.

  • Terri Jacques Hwalek February 1, 2015 - 4:00 pm Reply

    oh that’s WAY too much work!! personally, i would have whipped out my egg shaped cake pan, sliced them in half, filled them with frosting & piped some white laces on them… also, great for whoopie pies 🙂 http://d3w5aos35qel1w.cloudfront.net/img/2105-2118-main.jpg

  • NUMBERBRAND February 2, 2015 - 12:14 am Reply

    This whole article is disgusting. You just lost yourself a reader. Ps if you used a needle to poke a tiny hole in the opposite end, the eggs would have come out way easier. Bye.

    • MrsBox February 23, 2015 - 5:04 am Reply

      Toodles!

  • Franziska Kül February 2, 2015 - 4:09 am Reply

    Oh wow. I made a HUGE mistake – I sat down with a muffin and a cup of coffee to read this. Alas, I should have known better as I already made that mistake while watching The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones. I have learned my lesson now! PS: Still funny as shit! Thank you xx

  • Kendra February 2, 2015 - 7:35 am Reply

    It looked like poop coming out of that one, meaning all of them.

  • Jenny February 2, 2015 - 9:14 am Reply

    This was so great–and using brown eggs was just genius–and then when we get to the big photo, there’s a verdant field of spinach for the footballs to lay on! That is love! Now I’m wondering if you made a spinach omelet with the rest of the eggs!

  • Kristin February 2, 2015 - 2:25 pm Reply

    Wow. Just… wow. Kudos to you for even making these. It lost me at putting cupcakes in an egg. :

  • Melanie Baker Garner February 2, 2015 - 4:12 pm Reply

    Too much work for me, and when I want desert, I REALLY don’t want to have to work for it. Great job on them though. They look great.

  • Amy H February 2, 2015 - 4:39 pm Reply

    Hilarious as usual! Although, I must say I’ve never heard of fecal transplants and it kind of scares me that such a thing even exists!

  • DebbieTC February 2, 2015 - 4:46 pm Reply

    Omg I peed a little laughing at this! Some of us appreciate your descriptive writing style at least. Kudos for fully committing to what was a labour intensive original pin!

  • Brenda McCall February 2, 2015 - 6:42 pm Reply

    Kudos to you, I wouldn’t have go through all that work.

  • Laurinda February 2, 2015 - 8:27 pm Reply

    Hilarious post! What a gigantic pain in the ass just for football shaped cupcakes. That makes you a rock star for making them-thanks for taking one for the team! (btw, the ads on your site are getting ridiculous)

  • Karen Krumbach February 2, 2015 - 11:45 pm Reply

    Way too funny and waaayyyy to much work. Would be cool with the egg baking pan that Terri showed us. I have heard of the fecal transplants – gross but it works for the poor soul having the problem. On a side note – don’t worry about the back alley egg abortions — the eggs we buy were never fertilized, which is very good news, although I think that raw eggs are on the gross side no matter what.

  • Ruth February 3, 2015 - 1:14 am Reply

    Eggcellent post.

    Somebody had to say it right?? Seriously though, hilarious. Doesn’t get much better than fecal transplants, back alley abortions, and salmonella to boot!

  • Eleni February 3, 2015 - 8:51 am Reply

    As much as I love your posts, I can kinda see why you may have lost someone over this grossness haha. I think your line to cross may be a bit different than others’ haha.

  • Amy February 3, 2015 - 2:07 pm Reply

    I just don’t get WHO wants football shaped cupcakes. Men at a Superbowl Party? Are they going to appreciate the “cute” factor? Women–are they going to care that the cupcakes are shaped like footballs? No, everyone is unified by the fact that no one wants to fucking crack an egg and deal with the shell just to eat a dry cupcake.

  • Beth Anne Riches February 3, 2015 - 6:58 pm Reply

    Waaaay too much work. Whoever came up with this idea needs to just make some stupid cupcakes, slap some fucking frosting on those babies, and shut up.

    • Beth Anne Riches February 3, 2015 - 7:00 pm Reply

      Oh, and yes…fecal transplants are for real, and can really help people overcome some pretty serious issues! This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood microbiologist. 🙂

  • rfoust February 4, 2015 - 4:09 pm Reply

    Funny how some people think poop is offensive and disgusting, and others find it to be something that can cure stuff. http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/sell-your-poop-13k-year-and-help-worthy-cause

  • Peek-a-boo Penis Pound Cake (Happy Valentine’s Day?) | Pintester February 10, 2015 - 8:31 pm Reply

    […] this point I wondered if it was a problem with my eggs. You guys remember when I made those football things? Well, I had some leftover shell-less eggs in my refrigerator from that experiment that had been […]

  • MrsBox February 23, 2015 - 5:03 am Reply

    The Super Bowl was on?
    From Australia. Come back in September for the AFL grand final. Or November for the Cup. 🙂

  • Marissa Peterson March 5, 2015 - 3:12 pm Reply

    You actually did a great job! I’m quite impressed. Your (probably inappropriate) commentary was greatly appreciated and definetely cackled at. I’m that friend who says those kinds of things in public. 😉

  • nicolala March 13, 2015 - 10:16 pm Reply

    I was taught to blow the egg out of its shell. You poke a large hole at the bottom and a small hole at the top, then blow into the small hole untill all the eggy mess shoots out the bottom. It’s way more fun that way cuz you can pretend you’re blowing your nose.

    Also, I really don’t get the cupcake-in-an-eggshell thing. 1) I don’t want to peel my cupcake, 2) I’d probably miss some shell and have horrible crunchy bits, and 3) cupcakes without frosting are a travesty.

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