Peek-a-boo Penis Pound Cake (Happy Valentine’s Day?)

2 Posted by - February 10, 2015 - Food & Drink, Valentine's Day

I have to admit I’m not that into Valentine’s Day besides, you know, the part about chocolate. But Pinterest is way into Valentine’s Day, as evidenced thusly:

Picture of pound cake with hearts in it

Image from veryculinary.com

That’s some pretty cool shit, even if you’re not into Valentine’s Day, right?

Also, the blog post claims it’s super easy, even though it involves baking not one, but two cakes.

So I gamely set to work on my first cake.

Image of cake mix and ingredients

Notice how it’s still light outside in the above picture. You’ll need that information later.

I mixed my ingredients (and may have slightly cooked my eggs with my hot melted butter… oops).

Image of ingredients in mixer

It was only at this point that I realized I did not have a bread pan. No, nary a regular-sized bread pan in my entire kitchen. You might think this is weird, but I cannot remember ever making bread in anything but my breadmaker, and my breadmaker is in the very back of a corner cabinet without a spinny thing, so that tells you how often I even do that.

I did find four mini loaf pans. No, I don’t know why I have them. I am guessing they were a gift from my mother-in-law, who likes mini things because they are cute. (They are cute, though, aren’t they?)

Image of mini bread pans

Anyway, resolved to make tiny versions of the peek-a-boo cakes, I mixed up my cake mix. I followed the directions on the blog post for the ingredients rather than the directions on the box, and I’m not sure that was the wisest move. The batter turned out a little… sticky.

Image of pink cake batter

At this point I wondered if it was a problem with my eggs. You guys remember when I made those football things? Well, I had some leftover shell-less eggs in my refrigerator from that experiment that had been sitting there for about a week. I’m not exactly sure how long eggs “keep” when they’re already out of their shells, and I admit that these looked a little bit… off. So I did something unprecedented for me: I did not lick the batter.

I spooned it into the bread pans…

batter in bread pans

But not a drop touched my lips, I swear. This was mostly because I figured if the eggs were going to kill me, they’d be more likely to do it before I baked them. I guess this is true all the time, but for some reason, cracking a fresh egg into batter and then licking that is less scary to me than plooping a weirdly oozy old shell-less egg into batter and then licking that potentially poison sticky pink goo. No thank you.

Anyway, they seemed to turn out ok.

Image of baked mini breads

Notice how the sun is setting in this picture. That’s because I baked a goddamn cake (actually, four) and it took a while.

Then I let the cakes cool and put them in the refrigerator to cool some more until they were so cool they almost stormed the stage at the Grammys and demanded that cupcakes give their award to souffles, because souffles are fucking art, man.

So, like, three hours later, I sliced my cake.

Notice that the sun has now set on my day and also the number of craps I give.

Image of sliced pink cake

By this time, I had remembered that there was, indeed, one regular sized bread pan in the house, which is a good thing, because my cookie cutters were too small to use on the short side of the mini breads. So I cut them the long way and got out my trusty (you guessed it) penis cookie cutter. (What, you expected me to have a regular old heart-shaped cookie cutter? How long have you been here?)

Image of cakes cut into penis shapes

Then I mixed up an entire fucking new batch of cake batter. Siiiiigh. Are we done yet?

white cake batter

At this point I guess I should mention that the one regular size bread pan I have is in the shape of a basket full of pumpkins. Yeah, I don’t know either. I think what happened was that I had more than one bread pan and in the Great Kitchen Cleanout of 2010, I decided I only needed one bread pan, and somehow the one with the pumpkins made the cut. I may have been delirious by the time I made that decision, as I had already sorted through about 1100 coffee mugs.

Anyway, I filled the pumpkin holes with white batter.

Image of partly filled bread pan

And then carefully arranged the delicate little pink penii on top. (I know normally it doesn’t work to fill the hole and then add the penis, but trust me this once.)

Image of sliced pink cake penises on top of white batter in bread pan

On the plus side, when you make two cakes and turn them into one cake, there are leftovers– in this case, a bag of leftover penises. (“Leftover Penises” would be an awesome band name. Someone take that.)

Image of bag of leftover cake penises

And the cake came out fine, if weirdly pumpkin-basket shaped.

pumpkin bread penis cake

The moment of truth remained, though. Would there be penis inside?

(Could I get a surprise penis drumroll, please?)

YES! Long live the surprise penis cake!

Image of finished penis cake

Summary
Article Name
Peek-a-boo Penis Pound Cake (Happy Valentine's Day?)
Description
Pintester's romantic spirit shines through in this pound cake with a sweet surprise in the middle: a delicate pink penis.
Author

29 Comments

  • Miranda Englesby February 10, 2015 - 8:48 pm Reply

    This is totally awesome!

  • Anna K. Crossley February 10, 2015 - 8:55 pm Reply

    This is the best thing since sliced penis cake! I need for someone to get married so I can make this for a shower! Best and biggest laugh and smile I have had in ages!

  • Stephanie February 10, 2015 - 8:57 pm Reply

    I can’t wait for my best friend’s bachelorette party, because we’re having this for breakfast 🙂

  • Sarah Coggins February 10, 2015 - 9:26 pm Reply

    I have tears of laughter streaming down my face. This so explains that FB post. Dying here. Was it tasty?? 😉

    • Andrea B. February 10, 2015 - 9:57 pm Reply

      I cannot believe you just asked if it was TASTY.

      I love you, Sarah.

  • Ashley Bee February 10, 2015 - 9:28 pm Reply

    YESSS I have been meaning to do this but have been too afraid to try.

  • kittentoes February 10, 2015 - 9:41 pm Reply

    Laughed so hard, I choked. Appropriate.

  • Katherine February 10, 2015 - 9:44 pm Reply

    How often does that basket-of-pumpkins look work with the contents, unless you’re make a lot of frou-frou pumpkin-based whole grain bread or something? It’s quirk factor is just off the charts and I feel the need to get one for my own for subversive cake making. 🙂

  • Andrea B. February 10, 2015 - 9:56 pm Reply

    I. AM. DYING.

    omg. Seriously. Good lord. Penis surprise cake!!!

  • JAYBES February 10, 2015 - 10:19 pm Reply

    Am I the only 1 who thinks the pumpkins look like a bunch of misshapen boobs? A very sexual looking cake. Excellent job!

    • Ali February 11, 2015 - 7:48 am Reply

      No, I thought that too. With a little decorative icing, I think she’d have a great titty-fuck cake. Can I say titty-fuck here? Something tells me I haven’t crossed the line for this site.

  • Ana February 10, 2015 - 10:32 pm Reply

    Well done, as always.
    I am disappointed, however, you didn’t point out the “pound” cake – penis connection. I think this would have been more appropriately named a “pounded cake”.

  • Franziska Kül February 11, 2015 - 2:50 am Reply

    Ah, there is so much to learn on this blog! I shall note down that filling and then adding the pink penis only works out in exceptional cases such as this one. Also, having too many penises to later use/eat is never a bad thing… just sayin’ (oh and maybe this is because I’m German and we don’t really do Thanksgiving and fuss about pumpkins that much but to me, that pumpkin-basket-cake looks like tits!)

  • jen February 11, 2015 - 8:20 am Reply

    Fantastic!!!!

  • Minta Caine February 11, 2015 - 8:55 am Reply

    Oh my Gawd…don’t tell me YOU didn’t see it! That “pumpkin basket” (wtf?) looks like boobies sticking in the air! And then with penii inside? C’mon, Pintester! You oughta be able to make some great jokes w/this!

  • Angie Simonsen February 11, 2015 - 11:30 am Reply

    I’m so fucking proud of you.

  • Laurinda February 11, 2015 - 1:30 pm Reply

    That ‘came’ out awesome, & your commenters are as hilarious as you are!!

    BTW, do you think a penis cake at a baby shower is inappropriate? I think it’s fitting, but there’s something wrong with my filter…

    • Diane February 13, 2015 - 11:50 pm Reply

      If it’s a boy, sure! I mean… there is that nasty game with the chocolate in the diaper, so why not?

  • Ellie Weezle February 11, 2015 - 3:39 pm Reply

    Wonderful to the nth!!!! but those look like tits on top, not pumpkins, so you have covered both the sexual bases!!

  • Meghan February 15, 2015 - 8:51 pm Reply

    I love it!!!!

  • Kat February 16, 2015 - 10:15 am Reply

    The Pintester Pound-tit Cake where you get an erection with every slice.

  • Cindy February 17, 2015 - 7:40 pm Reply

    Is it…Moist?? 🙂

  • WhiteDove February 22, 2015 - 11:29 am Reply

    Two thumbs up.. or is that two erections up?

  • Amanda Lynn McEwen February 22, 2015 - 11:54 am Reply

    I NEEEEED THAT PUMPKIN CAKE PAN!!!!!!!!

  • Karen Krumbach February 22, 2015 - 2:24 pm Reply

    Very upset here – stupid ‘puter won’t show me the finished product. I did see the pink batter, mini-loaf pans, the penis cutter (ouch) and the pumpkin pan but nothing else will open. Just have that nasty little “X” in a box and a link using the name of the photo, I think, that just doesn’t open. Poor me. I may make this for a girls weekend at the end of May. Anything penii will be a hit for sure. Thanks for testing it for us.

  • Keri’n On February 22, 2015 - 3:52 pm Reply

    You pound that penis (cake) girl!

  • MrsBox February 23, 2015 - 5:17 am Reply

    I have a baby shower to go to soon. If there is no penis cake, I’ll know she’s having a girl!

  • Amy H March 2, 2015 - 11:57 am Reply

    But did it taste good???

  • Jerica Carreiro March 17, 2015 - 9:59 pm Reply

    I would definitely put a line of white frosting on the outside of the cake (on the side with the tip)…so when you sliced it, it would look like…well…you know.

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