Creamy Chicken & Noodles

Do you all know what I mean when I say “butt-ass cold?” I’m never sure, because I picked up that particular expression from an Army guy, and you never know with Army guys. I gather there are a lot of expressions that don’t translate well.

Anyway, when I say “butt-ass cold,” I mean cold. Cold like witch tits. Cold like your dog’s slimy nose. Cold like– dare I say– your naked ass. Hence, butt-ass cold, I guess.

In any case, it has been butt-ass cold here lately, and I do mean the kind where you turn on the heat and wear a jacket and stuff. So crockpot soup is perfect. Warms the cockles of your heart, and hopefully your cold ass, too.

Image from Going Jane

As usual, ease of preparation was what attracted me to this recipe. And, as usual, I came up lacking in the ingredients department. I tried, though. I swear I almost even asked one of the pimply grocery store employees to help me find frozen egg noodles, but by then my cart was full of refrigerated items slowly going rancid as I wandered the frozen food aisle, so I said “fuck it” and bought a dry bag.

I actually bought two dry bags. But the picture looked better with just one of them.

I threw it all in and fired up my trusty crockpot.

The awesome thing about crockpot dinners is that no one expects them to be beautiful. I don’t panic when the recipe looks like this when I turn it on. I have faith that it will all melt into a brownish soupy mush no matter what I start with.

For this recipe, you wait to add the noodles until just before you want to eat. So when supper time came around, I opened up the crockpot and dumped in a bag of noodles. And then that didn’t look like enough noodles and I didn’t know what the hell else I was going to do with an extra bag of dry egg noodles, so I dumped the other bag in, too.

This is about where I began to lose faith.

But, I’ll tell you what, my crockpot rarely fails me (although when it does, it’s spectacular) and in this case, the noodles cooked as per expected and I ended up with masses and masses of noodle not-really-soup. It was mostly noodle. Sort of like a macaroni casserole or something. Except “casserole” is a dirty word at my house, so we don’t call it that. (We can call it “delicious fucking noodles,” but if you bandy about the word “casserole,” certain parties get offended.)

I do admit, it tasted pretty good, the first 6 or 7 meals that I ate it. After that, I threw out fully half of it because I was so damn tired of egg noodles.

So, a word to the wise here: Unless you are cooking this for company or your family eats as much as an army (and we’re back to “butt-ass cold,” ya like that?), then don’t use two bags of egg noodles.