Who doesn’t love a good object lesson, especially one that involves a holiday that kids love, like Easter? These are called resurrection rolls, because they symbolize Jesus’ empty tomb.
Guys, I grew up in church. I have respect for church, in many ways. I understand that this is a holy holiday and stuff.
But they made Jesus a marshmallow.
How am I supposed to be reverent when Jesus is a marshmallow?
Here’s the idea: You put a marshmallow (Jesus) inside a biscuit (the tomb), and then you bake it (but not for three days) and supposedly when you open the “tomb,” there’s nothing inside. It’s a miracle. Jesus’ body is gone. And then you eat the tomb and the metaphor falls apart, but anyway…
Know what makes this grosser? You’re supposed to dip the marshmallow in butter to symbolize the embalming oils, and then roll it in cinnamon sugar to symbolize putting spices on Jesus’ rotting corpse. Is it any wonder I had nightmares from Sunday school well into my teens? Between smelly corpses coming back to life (which happens more than once in the Bible), devil-possessed herds of pigs, and the apocalypse, I don’t know who makes it through Sunday school without nightmares.
Anyway, aside from the creepy metaphor, I really just wanted to see if this would work, plus I had some leftover cinnamon rolls.
I skipped the embalming of the Christ-marshmallow because the biscuits already had cinnamon in them. Again, the metaphor does not hold. Sorry.
I squished the biscuits flat…
And then rolled them around the marshmallows and pinched them closed.
And into the hell of incompletely thought-out metaphors it went:
Now I don’t know if I just didn’t set the thermostat in Hell high enough, or what, but when I opened the oven, Jesus had leaked all over my cookie sheet.
(No, I am not going to make that joke about Jesus. There are lines even I will not cross.)
And despite the fact that if you did this with a child, the object lesson would be effectively ruined and you would have given little Junior the idea that Jesus got out of the tomb by melting himself into a squishy puddle and seeping under the door, like an X-Men character or something, I decided to cut these open anyway and see what happened.
Indeed, they were empty.