When I kept up a personal blog regularly, the one hard-and-fast rule about things I would not blog about was my weight. Blogging about weight never goes well. It either looks like I’m fishing for a compliment (“Oh, you’re not fat!”), or, if I really am needing to lose a little, I get lots of not-so-helpful advice from everyone, many of whom could stand to lose a few more pounds than me. (Oops, did I say that out loud?)
So this entry is not about weight. It is about a diet. Please don’t give me weight loss advice. I know how it’s done. Please don’t feel obligated to leave empty compliments about the size of my ass. I know what I look like and I know what range I’m supposed to be in, I promise.
Ooh, a little defensive first thing in the morning, aren’t we? It’s probably the lack of calories talking.
Because this week I tried the 3-day military diet.
Supposedly, you can lose up to 10 pounds in three days on this here diet. I never expected to lose 10 pounds. My metabolism moves at about the speed of a comatose sloth (due to Reasons– don’t give me metabolism advice either). I hoped for maybe five pounds. That seems reasonable, right? Hope for half the weight loss of a normal dieter?
I started off not feeling too bad about it. Day 1 was not actually that much different than what I eat normally, except for cutting out the snacks. Plus there was caffeine, which I don’t allow myself too often (although I indulge in celebratory Diet Cokes sometimes).
I was still feeling pretty good about it at lunch.
And, yes, I used measuring cups and spoons to make sure I was getting exactly the right servings of everything, anal-retentive types.
Supper was kind of ginormous. Also, there was ice cream. Diets with ice cream? Sign me up, right?
Day 2 made me crankier. This was significantly less food than I usually eat and following on the heels of a snackless Day 1, I was not happy about it.
Also, a cup of cottage cheese is a lot of cottage cheese. Blergh.
By the end of Day 2, I was suffering from major brain fog. I tried to put the cottage cheese back in the pantry instead of the refrigerator. I was so hungry that I ate dinner kind of early, which turned out to be a mistake because by 9:00 or so, I was ravenous again. I took to muttering vaguely intelligible phrases under my breath, like, “diet schmiet,” and, “mmm delicious popcorn,” and, “fucking shitass damn poop horrid cock bitch whore.”
I’d like to tell you that I didn’t cheat at all, but I snuck two extra Saltines so that my stomach wouldn’t start eating itself.
I felt a little better the next morning– more positive about the whole thing, at least.
Lunch pretty much broke my spirit, though.
Yes, that is a single piece of dry whole wheat toast with one tiny hard boiled egg on it. That’s all. One egg! On one fucking piece of toast! When I was little and made up stories about being captured and thrown in the dungeon, the evil captors still always fed me more than this. Sure, it was gruel and crusts, but at least it was more volume.
At this point, I would have given up if I hadn’t already told half the world I was doing this as a pin test. No amount of weight loss is worth having that for lunch, really.
Here’s dinner. I broke and added a tiny bit of mustard and relish to the tuna because a cup of dry tuna is kind of a lot.
Another two Saltines got me through the evening and I went to bed empty-bellied, but hopeful.
So, to summarize: I stuck with this diet to the letter except for four extra Saltines. (The mustard and relish were allowed.)
I would like to report that, despite my bad attitude, I lost a billion pounds and highly recommend this to everyone. I did not. I lost 1.9 pounds. Not even 2. And I’m eating Mexican food and pizza today so I’m probably going to gain at least 1.9 pounds between now and bedtime.
It sucked, I hated it, and I would gladly take back that 1.9 pounds if it meant I could not be starving for three days. And this is why I fail at almost every actual diet. I’d rather be chunky than feel like I’m dying. (GAH! I mentioned my weight. Ignore that.)
In conclusion, this diet sucks and is not worth the pain… kind of like the military. (Oops, did I say that out loud?)