Bourbon Chocolate Milkshake

6 Posted by - May 17, 2013 - Food & Drink

If vacuuming drunk isn’t a thing, it’s about to be, because it’s 2:30, my chores aren’t done, and I just tested this motherfucker:

Image from Imbibe Magazine, photo courtesy West Egg Cafe

Image from Imbibe Magazine, photo courtesy West Egg Cafe

I had to. It’s my job, guys.

It’s a bourbon chocolate milkshake. Not a chocolate bourbon milkshake. The bourbon is definitely the first ingredient.

For this test, I had to get out my brand spankin’ new never-been-used-before blender.


I bought that thing specifically so that I could have smoothies for breakfast like Jenna Marbles. I bought it months ago. No smoothie has been had for breakfast. And I do not look like Jenna Marbles yet, either.

The cool thing about this blender is that you blend your stuff and then you drink it right out of the thing you blended it in. Genius.

Also, the recipe said to use vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, but fuck that shit. When I make a chocolate shake, I useย chocolate ice cream, bitches, cuz that’s how I roll.


(My short stint on the military diet scarred me and I still feel the need to measure everything to make sure it’s exactly a cup or a half a cup or whatever.)

It also calls for 2 ounces of bourbon.


Now I’m no chemist, but that is a ratio that makes me all warm inside.

Will it blend?


Indeed, it will.

Although I may have been a little over-zealous on the blending because it got sort of soupy…


And you remember how I said that ratio made me all warm inside? Well, drinking this made me all warm inside too, in that alcohol sort of way. Also cool inside because of the ice cream. It was very confusing, really. But I enjoyed it greatly. It’s like 90 fuckin’ degrees here and I still have to clean 2 bathrooms and vacuum the whole house, so I might just make me another one a’ deeze.

And, yeah, I drank it out of the blender cup like a badass. This way everyone just thinks it’s a health drink, right?



  • Melis May 17, 2013 - 3:07 pm Reply

    no, chocolate milkshakes NEED to be made with chocolate ice cream. Good chocolate ice cream, not that cheap crap that puts all the other misflavored ice creams together and throws chocolate in (because chocolate’s supposed to be a strong enough flavor to mask it… NOPE CAN STILL TASTE IT) but chocolate ice cream that’s CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM.

    can you tell I’m just a little bit passionate about chocolate ice cream?

    How’d the vaccumming go? Cause it sounds like a party already!

  • rfoust May 17, 2013 - 3:12 pm Reply

    haha, definitely looks like a protein shake.

  • Wendy Mclaren May 17, 2013 - 3:13 pm Reply

    I’m not a fan of bourbon but I think that the chocolate-infused vodka I have will make a fine substitution. Come to think of it, I don’t have any ice cream. I do, however, have a drink holder that looks the same. Close enough, right?

    • Pintester May 17, 2013 - 3:15 pm Reply

      I suggest substituting for the ice cream with more vodka.

      • angie497 May 20, 2013 - 7:38 pm Reply

        If she substitutes vodka for the bourbon, vodka for the ice cream, and then just walks past the freezer thinking about a blender, I think it’ll be fine.

  • Kate ‘Red’ Hallman May 17, 2013 - 3:16 pm Reply

    next time you need a delicious & refreshing “adult” beverage, try a red duchess. i stayed at a hotel once, they called it that. strawberries, vanilla ice cream, and rum. this one is served in a fishbowl, so eff the measurements ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Morgan May 17, 2013 - 3:21 pm Reply

    Ok, when you said it’s 90 degrees out, I had to go see where you live…ha! not too far from me. Gawd, I need one of these shakes now. Pretty sure my house might actually get cleaned if I started drink-cleaning. Brilliant!

    • Jennmarie68 May 17, 2013 - 10:44 pm Reply

      Or it won’t but you’ll be too drunk to care. Either way I see it as a win ๐Ÿ™‚

  • EmmaBeEmma May 17, 2013 - 3:33 pm Reply

    That blender looks like something across between a bong and dildo. A bondo? A dilong? A bongo? Where’s Matthew McConaughey when we need him to clarify?

    • Wendy Mclaren May 17, 2013 - 3:55 pm Reply

      There needs to be a *like* feature for comments. Because ^ this rocks.

      • Katherine Horejsi May 17, 2013 - 5:51 pm Reply

        Hey Wendy, you see those little arrow heads and numbers just underneath each comment on the left hand side? That’s a “like” or “dislike” function. Just click or tap to register your vote! You have a 1 now ‘cos I liked your comment!!

  • Mark W May 17, 2013 - 3:34 pm Reply

    Can you tell me what the name of that blender is, please? I mean, the actual product name, not the name you’ve given it. Because, really, who doesn’t name their blender? Ours was named Bob. Bob died a few weeks ago and I’m looking to replace him, and one like yours would be perfect.


    • Cactuscat May 17, 2013 - 7:00 pm Reply

      It looks like an Oster My Blend something-or-other, at least according to Amazon.

  • Megan DeForest May 17, 2013 - 3:38 pm Reply

    Lol, Jenna Marbles is awesome, but I don’t think I could have just a smoothie for breakfast either.

  • Rosey! May 17, 2013 - 3:43 pm Reply

    I FREAKIN’ <3 YOU!

  • Kim May 17, 2013 - 3:47 pm Reply

    I have that blender, too! We actually do use it for breakfast smoothies a la Jenna Marbles, but I think it has a higher calling… This. This is happening.

  • Sara Caudell May 17, 2013 - 4:06 pm Reply

    Try this one on for size: 1 1/2 cups of the darkest chocolate ice cream you can find, 1/2 cup milk, 8 ice cubes, 1 1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps, 1 1/2 oz kahlua, 1 oz whipped cream vodka (or vanilla schnapps), 1 oz dark rum, 1/2 oz hazelnut liqueur. Blend all ingredients until smooth. Makes 1 extra large or 2 regular milkshakes. Granted, you probably won’t get much cleaning done after that one…

    • Kelly724 May 17, 2013 - 5:14 pm Reply

      I’m buzzed just reading that.

    • ccourtney83 May 17, 2013 - 7:20 pm Reply

      dam, that’s a lot of alcohol, but sounds amazing!

    • Lorri Russell Clark May 17, 2013 - 8:22 pm Reply

      must make this one!

  • Kelly724 May 17, 2013 - 5:13 pm Reply

    The drink that you made is better to break in a new blender with than some lame ass smoothie.

  • Katie! May 17, 2013 - 5:23 pm Reply

    THIS. LOOKS. DELICIOUS. I went and got myself knocked up so I’ve been craving cold things just like this shake. Too bad it has booze in it. Is fetal alcohol syndrome worth it??? ehhhhhh, probably not.

  • Honey Laura Clark May 17, 2013 - 5:48 pm Reply

    I agree with you. A chocolate milkshake is made with chocolate ice cream. AND chocolate syrup.

  • Kasie May 17, 2013 - 5:50 pm Reply

    Did “all the boys” come to your yard?

  • Rosa Cleary May 17, 2013 - 5:55 pm Reply

    I like the ratio of your potty mouth sentences just as much as the ratio of bourbon to ice cream.

  • Katherine Horejsi May 17, 2013 - 6:06 pm Reply

    Love it, could nearly motivate me to do the housework! And we doubters stand corrected: the tagline’s gone but the booze, swears and humour remain! Way cool.

  • Janessa Lawson May 17, 2013 - 6:52 pm Reply

    This looks *exactly* like the chocolate protein shake I have for breakfast every day. No one would be the wiser…until I was drunk off my ass at my desk.

  • Alexandra Killian May 17, 2013 - 7:16 pm Reply

    Fuuuuuccck. I can’t have bourbon or ice cream these days. I’m so jelly.

  • DaisyDesigner May 17, 2013 - 7:34 pm Reply

    I didn’t think it was possible to make a sippy cup badass but you totally pulled it off! Although, someone might catch on that it’s not a protein shake when they see “Fuck this” vacuumed into the carpet.

    • MaryEllen Miller June 10, 2013 - 1:15 pm Reply

      Oh, no…a sippy cup can totally be badass. I bought one of those gym water bottle things for going to the gym. Now, I use it for whiskey lemonade. And whiskey cranberry-ade. And whiskey-ade. And, I’m totally going to vacuum secret messages to my hubby into the carpet. Brilliant idea!

  • Lorri Russell Clark May 17, 2013 - 8:21 pm Reply

    you had me at Jenna Marbles….then I read on and I must say that I now have a level 3 girl crush on you….LOVE the blog, I can’t wait for more

  • Jasi Lee May 17, 2013 - 8:35 pm Reply

    love it! i’m not a video person but i really wish this was youtubed. especially the vacuuming drunk part. glad this worked out.

  • Anna May 17, 2013 - 10:46 pm Reply

    Fell in love a little at the fact that you choose chocolate over vanilla. Oh and that you referenced Jenna Marbles. Protein makes her fit but alcohol and chocolate make you happy and hilarious!

  • Jill May 18, 2013 - 4:01 am Reply

    When I first saw the blender, I thought “Why does she have a bong on the counter”

  • Quincy May 18, 2013 - 8:12 am Reply

    I tried drunken house cleaning two weeks ago. Hubs and I got the huge-ass cans of Mike’s Harder Mango Punch from the convenience store down the road because we’re classy like that. We drank two each and played drunk Rock Band for the rest of the evening. The house is still a mess.

  • Wendy May 18, 2013 - 8:24 am Reply

    I always put my liquor in a Starbucks cup. No one EVER questions the Starbucks cup. It’s how I got through many a school performance/sports events when my kids were young.

  • WineRanger May 18, 2013 - 10:36 am Reply

    Silly girl, blenders are for *margaritas* not smoothies!

  • karucha May 18, 2013 - 12:02 pm Reply

    really great idea… need one of those…

  • Liz Nelson May 18, 2013 - 2:22 pm Reply

    I have that blender!

    Though, apparently, I’m using it for the wrong things..

  • Abbey vanderBent May 19, 2013 - 1:09 am Reply

    Best idea. Why didn’t I have one of those while doing laundry today!

  • BeccaLove May 19, 2013 - 1:46 pm Reply

    Just made a second trip to the store just to get the ingredients!!! BEST IDEA EVER! and it’s only 145pm on a Sunday and NONE of my chores are done…..SO!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • BeccaLove May 19, 2013 - 1:52 pm Reply

    Just made a second trip to the store just to get the ingredients!!! BEST IDEA EVER! and it’s only 145pm on a Sunday and NONE of my chores are done…..SO!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Kentuckian May 20, 2013 - 11:00 am Reply

    Sorry, I have to be an ass and point out that Jack Daniels is NOT Bourbon! It is Tennessee Whiskey. Yes, there is a difference. I’m sure it was still delicious in a chocolate milkshake though!

    • Annoying_Pedant May 22, 2013 - 2:16 pm Reply

      A pedant after my own hear.

  • Peggy Sockalexis May 20, 2013 - 6:53 pm Reply

    I just love you. You make me laugh every time I visit!!

  • libraryofbird May 21, 2013 - 2:18 pm Reply

    Here is some expert shake making tips: chocolate syrup makes a better chocolate shake (for extra chocolate goodness use chocolate ice cream), for coffee lovers use instant coffee or espresso powder dissolved in hot water. For a straw friendly chocolate chip shake use dip cone chocolate (like magic shell) layer it between ice cream so it hardens and the whirl it will break up into perfect chips. Oh and beer with peach sorbet makes a refreshing shake.

  • vvwolfe May 24, 2013 - 5:11 pm Reply

    OMG I love you so much
    Also I think it is hilarious my work has blocked pinstrosity because of “adult content” but they think your site is just hunky dory. You just rock !

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