If you’ve been reading my paleo posts this month, you know I’ve given up beans. Boohoo. (To any of you who saw me eating non-paleo food at BlogHer13 last week, YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING!) The most disturbing thing about giving up beans– yes, more disturbing, even, than beanless chili— is the lack of hummus. I fucking love hummus, guys. Those healthy vegetable-things are just a vehicle to propel delicious hummus to my mouth-hole.
So I actually searched for paleo hummus recipes. Most of them sound gross. This one sounded not-gross enough to try:
The only catch? It involves a food processor, and I’m scared of mine. And also lazy. I use every other kitchen implement I can think of before I will use my food processor. I don’t know why. I use my blender every day and it’s a thing with a motor and a sharp blade. In fact, I considered trying to make this recipe in my blender. I didn’t say it made sense.
I was also a little dubious because, as anyone who’s ever done a low-carb diet knows, cauliflower gets used as a substitute for all kinds of stuff. Potatoes. Rice. Polenta. It gets used as a substitution, but the jury is still waaaaay out about whether or not it is an acceptable substitution. So when I saw that it can also be substituted for beans, I kind of had a “nuh uh.”
Still, my need for hummus was so great that I overcame my fear and my mental block and decided to give it a go:
As I steamed my cauliflower (in the microwave… it seems wrong to steam frozen cauliflower in the microwave so that I can eat more like a caveman, but I digress), I gathered the rest of the ingredients:
You are really supposed to use, like, fresh garlic and fresh lemon juice and stuff, but come on guys. Come on. It’s me.
I took a picture of the steamed cauliflower, but didn’t realize until I went to go use the picture for the blog post that I set it on the burner, and someone always freaks out when I post a picture like this. Guys, the burner was not on. I did not attempt to steam my cauliflower on the stove in a glass bowl. Give me a little credit please. Not a lot. Just a little.
Then I threw all the ingredients in the food processor (which I had to get my husband to show me how to use because I use it so seldom).
And I closed it up, held my breath, and pulsed that shit.
No one died. I still have all my fingers.
And, bonus, this stuff sort of looks like hummus!
I tried some, and I have to say, I don’t think it’s as good as real hummus, and I don’t think you’d fool anyone into believing that’s what it actually is, but as a substitute, it could be way more terrible. I think cauliflower makes a better hummus than it does potatoes, for sure.
Now my mental block, though, is that I am dipping my vegetables in vegetables. Is that weird? Instead of contemplating it too much, I made a penis out of vegetables and took a picture.
I made this. It’s about a month old sitting in the fridge right now rotting because I tried it once and was like “NOPE.”
Hummus is definitely one reason to not go paleo. I don’t know how you’re surviving.
That sounds like it might be good. I’ve made a REALLY delicious mock-mashed potato using cauliflower (and parmesan, RF cream cheese & garlic) in the food processor before that is absolutely delicious. It doesn’t taste exactly the same (of course it wouldn’t) but it was mighty yummy. Cauliflower is an useful little veggie. 🙂
Hey I also made a penis with food today! Except I used 2 cheese balls and a cheese puff, because I’m no caveman.
yuck, hummus. just give me ranch dip and i’ll be happy. 🙂
Hummus is the thing I miss the most since going paleo. I’m not even going to try to make this because generally shit made to taste like other shit does not usually live up to the hype.
That said, paleo “pancakes” are the reason I haven’t shanked anyone with caveman rage.
I found the zucchini Hummus to be awesome, unless squash is out with the whole paleo diet.
I’ve thought about doing the paleo thing, but I really, really like junk food and alcohol.
Well, the good news is that cavemen apparently drank 1 oz. of tequila or 1 glass of red wine per day… because that’s allowed.
So, if I skip wine for 5 days, can I drink 6 glasses on the 6th day? I’m kidding… I can’t skip wine for 5 days.
Why give up legumes? Our ancient ancestors didn’t. And they certainly didn’t eat modern cauliflower! I recommend watching this TED Talk – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMOjVYgYaG8 . (If you don’t have 20 minutes, skip to about 8:30 for the legume/grain and cauliflower stuff.) And there are a lot of other great resources out there too if you’re interested. I’m not trying to say that eating a diet of fresh, whole foods isn’t way better than eating stuff that comes out of a can or over a fast food service counter – it is! But if people really want to eat what paleolithic ancestors actually ate, the modern “paleo diet” isn’t the way to do it.
Just to play devil’s advocate, as someone else who eats this way and has for a few years now, the goal (at least, for most) is not exact replication of what our ancestors ate, but rather to follow a real-food framework that fits our modern lifestyles. Anyone who eats this way with the goal of total duplication is probably a bit silly 🙂 thanks for sharing your info, though– just had to chime in!
So, then, what’s with not eating beans?
How are beans not real food, though? I can understand cutting out all the processed garbage that most of us eat, but beans? You take them off the vine, boil them, eat them. That’s about as unprocessed as it gets.
It’s considered a carb. Carbs and sugars are out in modern paleo diet.
It’s nice to know that if I ever decide to try going paleo I can replace stink-fart legumes with a stink-fart vegetable. Excellent.
Can you try Cauliflower Rice? I heard it’s supposed to be great.
one time I made cauliflower “potatoes” and guess what? it tasted like fucking cauliflower. Whoever is coming up with these recipes needs to get their tastebuds checked.
I love baba ganoush more than hummus. Have you had it before? Its got a similar flavor and is a bit lighter and fluffier, at least when we make it. Here’s a recipe that works well but I would suggest using the blender rather than the fork method suggested in the recipe.
P.S. I often use the stove when I need more counter space. This causes the husband to freak out, but until he gives me a bigger kitchen, he’ll have to cope. At least your laptop and grocery bags aren’t on the burners.
We make BG with grilled eggplant. Put it on the grill like you would a bell pepper, until it’s soft and charred, then blend it with the other ingredients. I’ve served this at parties where ppl could not get enough.
Is dipping vegetables in vegetables a little cannibalistic?
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