If you’ve been reading my paleo posts this month, you know I’ve given up beans. Boohoo. (To any of you who saw me eating non-paleo food at BlogHer13 last week, YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING!) The most disturbing thing about giving up beans– yes, more disturbing, even, than beanless chili— is the lack of hummus. I fucking love hummus, guys. Those healthy vegetable-things are just a vehicle to propel delicious hummus to my mouth-hole.
So I actually searched for paleo hummus recipes. Most of them sound gross. This one sounded not-gross enough to try:
The only catch? It involves a food processor, and I’m scared of mine. And also lazy. I use every other kitchen implement I can think of before I will use my food processor. I don’t know why. I use my blender every day and it’s a thing with a motor and a sharp blade. In fact, I considered trying to make this recipe in my blender. I didn’t say it made sense.
I was also a little dubious because, as anyone who’s ever done a low-carb diet knows, cauliflower gets used as a substitute for all kinds of stuff. Potatoes. Rice. Polenta. It gets used as a substitution, but the jury is still waaaaay out about whether or not it is an acceptable substitution. So when I saw that it can also be substituted for beans, I kind of had a “nuh uh.”
Still, my need for hummus was so great that I overcame my fear and my mental block and decided to give it a go:
As I steamed my cauliflower (in the microwave… it seems wrong to steam frozen cauliflower in the microwave so that I can eat more like a caveman, but I digress), I gathered the rest of the ingredients:
You are really supposed to use, like, fresh garlic and fresh lemon juice and stuff, but come on guys. Come on. It’s me.
I took a picture of the steamed cauliflower, but didn’t realize until I went to go use the picture for the blog post that I set it on the burner, and someone always freaks out when I post a picture like this. Guys, the burner was not on. I did not attempt to steam my cauliflower on the stove in a glass bowl. Give me a little credit please. Not a lot. Just a little.
Then I threw all the ingredients in the food processor (which I had to get my husband to show me how to use because I use it so seldom).
And I closed it up, held my breath, and pulsed that shit.
No one died. I still have all my fingers.
And, bonus, this stuff sort of looks like hummus!
I tried some, and I have to say, I don’t think it’s as good as real hummus, and I don’t think you’d fool anyone into believing that’s what it actually is, but as a substitute, it could be way more terrible. I think cauliflower makes a better hummus than it does potatoes, for sure.
Now my mental block, though, is that I am dipping my vegetables in vegetables. Is that weird? Instead of contemplating it too much, I made a penis out of vegetables and took a picture.