I thought it was time for a craft because we haven’t had one of those in a while, but then I went looking for fall crafts and they all involved pumpkins, and my pumpkins are currently on the front porch, uncarved and moldy, so I’m not doing one of those.
I settled on these slightly crafty apple candles.
Mostly I settled on these because they looked pretty darn hard to fuck up and I sort of had a bad day and I wasn’t really in the mood to fuck something up. Plus they look all festive and shit.
You just need an apple and a little candle.
So I have this theory about bad days. It’s called the Cosmic Ball of Crap theory. Basically, bad days just escalate and escalate because bad attracts bad. So as your day goes along it sort of snowballs into this cosmic mass of shittiness that can then roll right over you.
That’s probably why when I took the sticker off the apple, this is what I found.
Fuck you, clever grocery store employee who made me buy an apple with a wormhole in it because I didn’t think to check under the goddamn sticker. That was evil.
But at least I won’t feel bad about wasting a perfectly edible apple on this project now.
At this point I mostly just wanted to be done, so I vaguely measured around the candle and started chopping at the apple with a paring knife. I recommend you be more careful.
So then I lit that bitch on fire.
And, dudes, I even let some of the wax drip down the sides and stuff because I wanted some damn ambience, yo. Anyway, it’s a worm-eaten apple with a candle jammed in it. I’m sure you’re all impressed. Next time I’m having a bad day, I think I’ll just skip the crafting and start immediately on the drinking.
A wormy apple doesn’t count as “a perfectly edible apple” to me. Glad you set it on fire, eventually!
Yeah you could cut out the worm hole and eat the rest, but do you *really* ever know where that worm went? Nope.
Yep, nothing quite as bad as that.
Every time I’m having a bad day, I watch this video and realize that my life isn’t all that bad after all. I have myself a big ol’ cup of schadenfreude and all is well. 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnHi3N_dtnU
I love it anytime you set something on fire. Maybe that should be your new shitty day craft-just fucking burn something.
Love your posts. They make my fucking shit filled day better!
I’m sorry that you are having a bad day. Here are some penis jokes:
What did the left nut say to the right nut?
“Don’t talk to the dude in the middle, he’s a dick.”
What do you ask an angry penis?
“Is someone messing with your head?”
What did the letter O say to the letter Q?
“Dude, your dick is out.”
I bought a mini-pumpkin a little while ago and when I took the sticker off there was a nasty spot under it. Is this something they do now? Hide the nasty bits with stickers? I guess we just can’t trust this sticker stickers…
I normally subscribe to the Rubber Band Theory (from “Becker”), but “the
Cosmic Ball of Crap Theory” is a bajillion times more fun to say.
I personally think that whomever did that original picture faked the dripping wax. Why would those candles up and goop out like that? Now I have a nasty mental image about that white goo. Thanks, Kelly724. Hahaha. Worm in the hole and all.
Somebody really like apple candles.
This comment had me in fits of giggles, so thanks 🙂
REALLY likes them apples.
I completely believe in the Cosmic Ball of Crap Theory. That seems to be my week thus far. Thank goodness for Friday. Speaking of crummy happenings, does anyone else have a problem using their IPad to read Sonja’s blog anymore? Every time I swipe to the next page a big ad pops up and locks up everything for a while. I had to close her page three time because of this and the start all over. I was feeing like a lazy sack after my craptastic day today so I didn’t attempt to go to the other room where my PC sits lonely and sad. Anyway, I finally got the end of the post and as always loved it but it was a little rough at first. ( that’s what she said.) Am I just special? Is this the Cosmic Ball of Crap in continuation? Anyway, just curious.
It is that way with all mobile devices.
Stuff like that pisses me off to no end and I generally end up going back to the store to yell at someone.
While I do have some faith in the cosmic ball of crap I have noticed that you can in fact make the ball start rolling backwards, it just takes one good thing. (usually from someone who has not yet started rolling their ball of crap.)
As for the craft itself; I think you need to lower the candle a bit to mold it to the hole and also dribble a lot more on the outside (I’m a man, I know these things.). It should look like the candle sort of grew from the apple. Now it looks more like someone had a worm eaten apple and tried to carve it out but in the end decided “Fuck it, I’ll just cram a candle in there instead!” (That’s what ….. no, too far.)
Like a scarab beetle?
To be perfectly honest, the befores weren’t all that fucking impressive either.
Sometimes the things that look like they should be the simplest, are the easiest to fuck up. Here’s something to brighten your Cosmic Ball of Crap Day.
Crap. My two-year-old just saw this and was all, “Is that a unicorn?” I said, “Mm hm,” and kept scrolling. 🙂
I wonder (if you REALLY wanted to use this as a festive decoration) if you went to the craft store and bought the fake apples. Also, the tea lights wouldn’t get the drip, it would be a candle not inclosed in crappy tin material. Anyway, the fake apples would never have worms in it.
I was going to leave a comment about how if you were huungry you could cut chunks out f the apple, hold them over the candle for a bit and then eat them, but the worm hole shot that all to hell. Fuckin worm holes.
Usually jamming something in it would make a bad day better. Sorry it didn’t work that way for you.
Dude, that’s an ugly craft to begin with. There’s nothing you could do.
Your description of the Cosmic Ball of Crap theory reminds me of Katamari, and now I have the song stuck in my head, so thanks for that.
Either way, I agree you probably should have gone straight for the booze. Cramming things in other things sometimes works to turn your day around, but clearly not when wormholes, apples, and candles are involved.
This might be one of my favorite entries of yours ever. I have no idea why it is cracking me up so much, but it is. You’re even funnier when you’re cranky, but I do feel kinda bad for laughing at your pain. I hope a shit-ton of booze took the edge off!
[…] come from the grocery store, so I was fairly certain I wouldn’t find any surprises like the wormhole under the sticker. (I went to an apple farm to buy these. I’m classy like […]
Although I understand that an apple does have a side that “sits” better, I wonder why you didn’t cut your candle-hole where the worm-hole already was…. /:
[…] Apple Candle – Yeah, you can make candles out of a lot of things. Can– not […]