Do you guys ever read blog posts from people with these disclaimers all over them about not judging, i.e., “I LET MY KID EAT THREE AND A HALF DORITOS WITH HIS ALL NATURAL ORGANIC VEGAN LUNCH DON’T JUDGE ME,” or, “JESUS FUCK FINE I ADMIT IT– SOMETIMES I GO TO BED WITHOUT WASHING MY FACE DON’T JUDGE ME,” or, “#sometimesIUseMyDogAsATowel #don’tJudgeMe…” Well, this is going to be one of those posts, because I’m going to show you my dirty couch. Don’t fuckin’ judge me, ya bitches.
(It’s fine. I know you’re going to anyway even though I said don’t, because I always judge the people who tell me not to judge them. I judge them fiercely in my mind, but very quietly so as not to be one of those judgy people.)
Apparently you can clean microfiber couches with rubbing alcohol.
My saga began on a Saturday morning. I had some friends coming over Sunday night and I decided a good hostess would present her guests with clean couches. My couches were not clean. They have had dog ass all over them for like 10 years. You go ahead and try and see if you can keep your couch clean with dog ass all over it all the time.
Luckily, Pinterest has the answers to all and told me that microfiber couches can be cleaned with rubbing alcohol. You just need a spray bottle to put the rubbing alcohol in, something to scrub the couch with, and some kind of brush to fluff the microfibers back up when the couch dries.
Yeah, so, my brush actually has a pumice stone on one side of it because, ha, it’s meant to be a pedicure brush, but it’s the only brush I had and DON’T JUDGE ME.
Here is a particularly gross picture of my couch.
Looks like a shitstain, don’t it? I’m pretty sure it’s just mud (like 87% sure), but it’s still gross and could be mistaken for shit and therefore is inappropriate for, you know, being on a couch. DON’T JUDGE ME.
Anyways, I got to spraying and used up pretty much all the rubbing alcohol I had on one couch cushion because apparently I get carried away when directions on the Internets use the word “saturate.”
And then I scrubbed and grossed myself right the hell out. DON’T JUDGE ME.
You know what, though? Judge me. Judge me right the fuck up because that shit is nasty and there is no excuse for it. All that grossness came off my couch. Yuck. Ew. Vom.
So after a trip to Sam’s Club for like a gallon more rubbing alcohol, I cleaned the rest of the little couch and all of the big couch.
1. Rubbing alcohol burns when you breathe it in. A lot.
2. When you think the smell has dissipated, it has not, because the first thing your friends will say when they walk into your house more than 24 hours post-alcohol saturation, with your newly cleaned couches will be, “Is that [sniff sniff] nail polish remover?”
3. It will fail to get out the gnarliest pee stain (you’re judging again, aren’t you?), but everything else will come up pretty well.
4. It will take the whole damn day.