Ok maybe this is TMI (Don’t you love it when blog posts start that way?), but when I’m on my period I just want some damn chocolate. I’m pretty sure this is not a unique phenomenon, so I thought I’d help out my Internet brethren… er, sistren… by testing out a chocolate truffle recipe. And– BONUS– if you do it right, it’s also Paleo.
I’ll give you a second to think about whether I did it right or not.
DING DING DING. I didn’t. This was not because I lacked the will to do it right. It was because I lacked the will to put on anything other than period underwear and a hoodie and actually go to the grocery store. So I used what I had. It was mostly right.
Dried organic unsweetened coconut flakes? Nope. This girl had sweetened “fancy flake” coconut. (I don’t know what the hell “fancy flake” means, but whatever.)
Raw cacao powder? Yeah, no. I had a little bit of leftover Hershey’s cocoa powder and a tub of unopened Nestle cocoa powder. I combined them. I am almost certain neither of them were raw cacao. They both taste like butt if you spill them on your hand and lick it by accident, though.
I also did not have virgin unrefined coconut oil. (Who does? I joke all the time on this blog about needing ingredients that are as hard to find as the tears of red-haired virgins, but this actually has the word “virgin” in it.) Mine happened to be refined coconut oil. But refined is better right? Maybe it doesn’t, like, burp in public or get drunk at country clubs and embarrass its parents? Let’s go with that.
I also did not have peppermint essential oil. Siiiigh. I know, guys, I know. This is getting a little ridiculous. But I substitute because it’s reality and because of aforementioned hoodie and period underwear.
BUT! I had two of the correct ingredients: maple syrup and vanilla. Well, three, if you count the pinch of sea salt, but I guess I won’t count that as I completely forgot to add it. Also, I didn’t have quite enough maple syrup (a cup is a lot of syrup, guys), but I figured it would even out since the coconut was sweetened and wasn’t really supposed to be.
The ubiquitous everybody-in-the-pool shot:
Instructions were to, er, “process” this until it turned into dough. I processed mine until the food processor started making a pained noise and the whole thing looked like a blended turd. (I am making the description of the following picture “blended turd.” I hope someone pins it with that caption. I hope I hope I hope.)
And because I also did not have a tiny, adorable ice cream scoop with which to make my truffles, I used a spoon and my finger.
All that was left was to put these puppies in the refrigerator and wait. Oh, and clean up the kitchen, which mostly consisted of me cleaning the spoon and bowl… with my tongue. In my period panties. (If you are thinking this was somehow sexy, I assure you, it was not. I think the word you’re looking for is “horrifying.”)
Twenty minutes later, I had pleasantly less messy peppermint truffles! And they were actually good, guys! So see? Sometimes substituting for just about every ingredient in a recipe does not end in disaster. High fives all around. Make these with whatever you have in the house next time you’re on your period and can’t be arsed to put on a bra and pants and go to the store. You’re welcome.
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