Before today’s regularly scheduled post, please allow me to freak out for a second because I am going to be on Good Morning America! Yes, faithful Pintestes, you can see me on the small screen on Wednesday morning, being the spokesperson for Pinterest failers across the globe. I am super duper excited. [Disclaimer: I just found out about it today and will not have time to lose forty pounds or buy new clothes or get my hairs did before Wednesday at the buttcrack of dawn, so judge leniently, please.] I don’t know what time the segment will be, or I’d tell you. Guess you’ll just have to watch the whole thing with, you know, bated breath and stuff. (There will be a quiz.)
Anyway, I’m done-ish with the freaking out now, but I’ll probably freak out some more on Twitter and Twitter and Instagram if you want more.
In honor of the occasion (of making an ass of myself on national television), I’m making the ubiquitous and uber-faily rainbow cake in a mason jar today.
This thing is everywhere, and it’s all over the fail boards, too, so I was pretty damn sure it wasn’t going to work out. Many of the recipes said not to use cake mix, but instead to make your own batter from scratch — something about it helping the colors not bleed together because it’s thicker batter or something. Well fuck that noise. Ain’t nobody got time for that. That’s why God invented cake mix.
I’m pretty sure that God also invented KitchenAid mixers just to mix store cake mix and eggs together… because that is (honest truthiness) the only thing I ever use mine for.
I know, I know. I have already failed because I didn’t make my own cake batter with sifted flour ground on the ancient stones of Ireland and eggs laid by chickens with freedom of speech, and when I cracked the eggs on the side of the bowl, I didn’t do it very gently so as to avoid bruising the delicate chicken placenta. I know all this. But I am me, and that is why I did it.
Next, you divide the batter into a whole bunch of bowls because it doesn’t matter how many dishes you have to dirty in the pursuit of motherfucking rainbow cake in a mason jar.
And then if you’re me, you get to the green batter and have a brain fart and squirt red food coloring in there by mistake, but realize it before you start mixing, and manage to spoon out the blood-clot-looking thing before it messes up everything.
(Fun side project: leave it in your kitchen sink and see if anyone screams when they walk in later. Miss Scarlet in the kitchen with a whisk and a bread knife. And a Febreze bottle. I don’t know.)
I do have to admit when they’re all dyed, they look really pretty. Well, except that little purple one, which sort of resembles baby poop. But whatever.
In true Pintester fashion, I couldn’t find two matching mason jars, or even two clear mason jars. Sorry. (Sort of.)
Still looks pretty when you put the rainbow batter in. Even the green one looks sort of pretty. My hopes inflated a little, I gotta say. Maybe all those other failers were just dumbshits. Stupid Internets. Heh heh. I shall best you.
You guys, I even put water in the pan with the jars because the Internets told me it would keep the colors from turning brown.
And also I had extra batter and that seemed sad, so I made a little “control” cake. Science! (Mostly I just wanted an excuse to bake more cake.)
Alas, the prescribed thirty minutes later, I opened the oven door to this:
And I was suddenly grateful — very, very grateful — that I had at least made a nominal attempt to follow the directions, because the water pan at least kept the carnage from messing up my oven.
I gotta say, they tasted pretty good, and if I had a friend I didn’t like that much, I might be able to, you know, scrape the rainbow explosion off the outside of the jar and give it to them. Throw a little frosting on that shit and nobody would ever know.
It’s more fun to oogle the fail, though. Bask in the explosive fail, y’all. #FailCakes
Don’t forget to watch me on Good Morning America on Wednesday morning! I’ll say hello to the Pintestes with a secret code: If I look all awkward and pale and vaguely like I might vomit, I’m saying hello to you.
It is so nice to have you back.
I’m crying with laughter over here. And craving cake. Just sayin’. Will be tuned in and cheering you on on Wednesday morning.
Well, on the upside, they didn’t turn brown, nor did the colors bleed. Good Luck on Wednesday!
We’ve missed you!
Absolutely hilarious. You make LOL into a real thing.
Rename these Gay Pride Volcano Cakes and therefore it is a win! I already set my DVR to see Y-O-U!
Sorry to see that these didn’t turn out for you! I think you may have just filled the jars a bit too much. If you look at my picture with the jars filled with the batter, I only filled them about two thirds of the way full to allow for expansion while baking. I’ll make that a bit more explicit in the instructions. I’ve made them many times and have never had them turn into volcanoes, lol! Anyway, congrats and good luck on Good Morning America.
Thanks so much Belle, and thanks for the tips! Your instructions were perfect, I was just a very bad instruction reader– completely my fault (as per usual).
Haha, yes, I see how that could have caused the problem! I did enjoy reading your post, you gave me a good laugh. Good luck on the show tomorrow, I’ll be tuning in for sure.
They look like unicorn puke. I love it!!!
that carnage is actually kind of pretty..
I so love the multicolored explodiness. Guys around the world are feeling jealous.
I bet it still tastes good! and congrats on GMA! cant wait to see!
Wow. It seems really unfair to define this one as a failure. I’ve been a big fan of Belle of the Kitchen for a long time now and took a closer look at her blog post in comparison to yours. She clearly uses four mason jars, but you only used two. When you overfill a baking pan, jar or dish, of course, you’re going to have a volcanic mess. I would urge you to try this one again. If you actually follow the instructions on Belle of the Kitchen I bet you’d have better success the next time around. Good luck with your interview tomorrow and congrats on GMA – what an incredible opportunity!
Belle is great and you’re totally right about the fail being COMPLETELY my fault! I have nothing but admiration for the people who can make these Pinterest pins look beautiful like she can.
That’s her thing. She fails in purpose. I’m amazed that no one gets this.
I like the way yours turned out better! Sort of like a Slimer barf…
I think they are cool looking, like Volcanos or something, Rainbow Volcanos. I can’t helip but wonder if they were less full if it would of worked. I might have to try this one sometime. just in the name of science. lol
Sorry, but that is a pretty fugly cake. (awesome) Hope you can post your t.v. segment. I will be at work. (dang it) You rock the tests!!!!!
OMG those are awesome rainbow volcanoes! Good luck on the show.
it looks like willy wonka threw up in your oven.
Such a riot. Congrats to being on the boob tube! You have earned it! Hope you didn’t barf! Keep up the good work!
[…] carefully filled them like halfway full, hoping to avoid overflow. You know what happens, […]
But they’re still pretty! It’s literally a beautiful mess!