I know, people. I know. And I hate the thing where bloggers are like, “I’m so sorry I’ve been gone and you’ve had to live without me for these long, tortured weeks! I will try to do better because I know your whole world revolves around reading words out of my dumb brain.” So I won’t say that.
Instead I will say that I have excuses. Not good ones, per se, but they are excuses.
1. I have been very busy.
I know it’s passe to call yourself “busy” and the productivity squad is now going to jump on me and tell me that I shouldn’t brag about being busy and everyone is busy and if you’re too busy it’s your own damn fault, and to them I say, “Listen, motherfuckers. Sometimes you’re just busy.”
2. When life gets hard, it gets hard for me to find failing funny.
You already know I’m a weird, neurotic cats-for-brains type anyways. (Why else would I blog?) But my neuroses around failing are, paradoxically, what make this blog funny when I am healthy enough to laugh about it, and what also make me want to to fling myself off the nearest tall thing (which, to be fair, is usually a chair) when I am less-than-healthy in the brain department. I’m in a less-than-healthy stage right now. Let’s call it a funk, shall we? So, basically, in order to bring myself to attempt something with the knowledge that it will most likely fail (and I will, therefore, be a failure), I have to psych myself up a lot with, you know, pep talks and cookies. And it sometimes just doesn’t get done. Or I don’t have any cookies.
3. I tried to fail and I just can’t.
Picture me saying that with the biggest shit-eating grin on my face, because that’s how I do. And that brings me to today’s post on zucchini bread from scratch, which I assumed would fail horribly. Hey, it’s me, guys.
By far, the most annoying part of this recipe was grating the zucchini. I considered using the food processor. In hindsight, I probably should have because grating 2 zucchinis is a little like giving the longest, most awkward handy in the history of ever. Mechanize where possible, folks. (If I could mechanize handies, I totally would.)
Then there was mixing of many ingredients, and I have to tell you that at this point I was pretty damn sure this recipe was going to fail. I mean, that’s sort of my default mode of thinking, but this shit does not look like it will ever be bread.
It looks even worse when you add a pile of vegetables to it, understandably.
I have to admit that I’ve eaten zucchini bread before, but never really understood the concept. I mean, tha fuck. Vegetables don’t belong in bread or cake. (Sorry, carrot cake. I’m looking at you.) It’s wrong and weird. But I got zucchini in my CSA box this week, and there was already zucchini in my fridge, so drastic measures had to be taken. Veggie bread it is.
You know what though? The moisture in the zucchini slime made the batter look actually kind of reasonably ok.
It did take a long time to bake. Like a loooong time. And I had to check on it a lot because there was a range of baking times between 40 and 60 minutes, and that’s kind of a lot.
But, dudes, this shit is good.
I mean, it smelled really good baking, so I had some idea that it would turn out, but it was like super-good perfection bread. And I made it from scratch. I know. I can’t believe it either. I fully expect to be ice skating in hell tomorrow. (Or ice skating here, since it’s as-hot-or-hotter than hell right now anyways.)
And if you don’t believe me, you can ask my coworkers. I brought the bread to work with me this morning, and one by one, my coworkers came to tell me how hard I failed at failing. (They’re cool like that.)
You know what? Congrats on failing at failing! I hope you can pull out of your funk, funks suck.
You’ve already figured out why zucchini bread exists: it’s something to do with a surplus of zucchini, especially late in the summer.
I wish I could fail that well. Yum!!
Longest, most awkward, and goriest of gory handies.
just want to mention that depression is a lying bitch. Ignore & distract til it goes away. Yummy food is an excellent distraction, especially if you have to make it FROM SCRATCH. wow. yay you.
Zucchini master! Get in my pan and be delicious, bitch!
Zucchini bread is one of my favorite things to make. It’s freaking delicious. Here’s a cheater for you on the shredding… if you have a KitchenAid mixer, buy the meat grinder attachment. You can shove spears of zucchini through it and have a pile of shredded green happiness in seconds. It makes your life so much easier. Seriously.
Ok so it won’t mechanize a handy but it’s pretty damn close: penis sleeve. Bought one for my husband, best investment ever. No more arm cramps for this girl! Also, good job on the zucchini bread!!
Hope you’re a little less funkified (in the bad way) soon!
Anyone who has ever planted zucchini plants in their garden has learned to look for new ways to use the stuff. They produce like CRAZY. Zucchini bread is one of the best ways to use it up, and it really is surprisingly good! Glad you and your coworkers enjoyed it!
Finally! We’ve been waiting for you to come back. Sorry you’re in a funk – maybe it’s ’cause you secretly missed us too. Congrats on the non-fail. Now, go light some shit on fire!
This is so funny! I remember when I was first told to make zucchini bread (a few years ago because in New York zucchini grows rampant in the Fall) and I was like What!?#$% I didn’t think it would work at all and it sounded really gross…but You are Right, it is Delicious!!! Thanks for being so honest with your try-outs and well COngrats on Failing to Fail on this one!
Congratulations on failing to fail this time! We love you I truly missed you, so glad you are back. I totally understand, there’s gonna be moments like that in our lives, we just have to push through it and keep moving forward. Here’s hoping you’re on the upswing!
I think Zucchini bread is probably one of the most fail-safe things to make. I mean, about the only way it can be ruined is if you cook it too long. Yay for failing at failing… wish I had been there to help your co-workers eat the zucchini bread.
Loved this! I have made tons of Zucchini bread and even failed at a chocolate one….but I have succeeded at a few others…which makes me and my family happy. Love your blog. I get lots of great laughs from it! Thanks for posting such fun contect.