Fruit Roll-Ups are one of my fondest memories of childhood. Ok, well, that right there is hyperbole. My fond memories do revolve around more significant things than Fruit Roll-Ups. But we did have fun with them. In elementary school, all the kids who got Fruit Roll-Ups were the coolest because (get this) we’d take them and squish them to the roofs of our mouths and say, “Look! I have a retainer!” Yes, children without retainers were pretending to have them. Coolness is relative in elementary school, guys.
Anyway, when I saw this pin for how to make your own Fruit Roll-Ups, I knew I had to try it.
The first problem I came across was the problem of fruit. I had exactly… grapes, and nothing else. But then I remembered my frozen strawberries, purchased aspirationally when I bought my tiny blender thinking I’d drink a smoothie for breakfast every day like Jenna Marbles. Perfect. I didn’t want those fucking smoothies anyway.
The second problem is that my cute little individual blender, while adorable, is not big enough for two cups of strawberries.
No problem. I can make it in batches, I thought. And sure, they’re frozen, but I’m adding honey as liquid so it’ll all be fine.
And the answer to that thought process is a resounding NO. No, it will not blend. So I dumped everything out into a bowl, microwaved it for 30 seconds, added a little water, and blended it in even smaller batches.
It only took 3 or 4 (or 5 or 6) batches to get it all done and poured out onto the cookie sheet.
Not the most appetizing thing in the world, but hell, I’ve eaten worse. How bad could it be when the only two ingredients I used were strawberries and honey?
My oven’s lowest setting is 200 degrees, so I turned it on and stuck this in the oven. I thought it might be done in about 3 hours. It took 4 and a half. At one point, though, I thought it was done and took it out and even ate some, only to find that the center of the pan was still liquid.
Oops. When it was actually done, I took it out and peeled it off the paper. It was pretty nasty, guys. Not to be gross (ok, I’m lying about that– this is solely to be gross), but it looked sort of like a used, dried up maxi pad. Om nom.
Actually, though, it tasted pretty damn delicious and I think wouldn’t even need the honey were I to make it again. But let’s be honest: I’m not going to blend 5 batches of strawberries and bake something for four hours just for a piece of Fruit Roll-Up that I ended up eating in two sittings, no matter how damn delicious it is.