I hurt my back the other day, setting down a bowl of tuna fish. If you’ve never done this before, I will tell you, it hurts like a bitch, and you also don’t get the pleasure of having a badass story to tell when someone asks you why you are walking all hunched over, so there’s nothing good about it. I don’t mind injuries (especially gross-looking ones) as long as there is a cool story to go with them, like, “I dropped a glass and caught it on the bounce… after it shattered on the counter-top,” or, “Oh, that big gnarly bruise? I got it at pole dancing class.” (Both of these are true stories from my past.) Setting down a bowl of tuna fish? Not awesome.
Anyway, I’ve been self-medicating with Advil and whatever liquor I can manage to find, so last night I thought I’d give a new cocktail a try, the sweet standard.
This one’s super easy: It’s just honey and vodka, shaken together and then poured into a highball glass. Simple.
So I gathered my tools…
And, yes, that is the most giant bottle of vodka you will ever see, because my significant other drinks vodka martinis all the time. I don’t really like vodka, especially.
Anyway, I poured some honey, ice, and vodka into the shaker, and shook fairly gently so as not to aggravate my injured back. (Although that would be a better story: “I threw my back out while shaking the hell out of a vodka cocktail.” Much better than the tuna thing.)
Then I poured it all into a highball glass, which looked not like the picture at all. And I soon figured out why.
The honey had solidified into a chilled mass of snot, sticking to the side of the shaker (and the lid, and anything else it touched while being shaken).
I figured maybe some of it managed to get shaken into the drink, so I tried it.
It was pretty much iced vodka, and it was nasty.
So, in case you were thinking of trying this one, probably don’t.
I’m with you on the sadness of not having a cool story to go with an injury. I needed to have knee surgery after playing a game of solitaire. True story. Tore my miniscus while sitting at my dining room table playing card game by myself. When I went to the hospital because I couldn’t straighten my leg and could only crab walk up and down the steps, the doctor told me I was faking it. Felt pretty good a week later to be all “Boom stupid doctor who shouldn’t be a doctor at all, I NEED SURGERY.” Never has needing surgery felt so gratifying… especially since I got it doing what people do in nursing homes. I was 21.
I had to wear a neck brace for like a week in 7th grade because I hurt my neck blow drying my hair. I whipped my hair and POP. It sounded like when you pop your knuckles under water. To this day I rarely blow dry my hair.
That gives new meaning to whipping your hair back and forth…
And that’s the number one reason I never liked that song. Willow smith was promoting a risky act.
Drinks should be much more complicated to get their own name. Vodka+honey= “Sweet Standard”? No, no, no. There should be muddling of something-or-other, and a twist of whatever, plus some jiggers of this and that. Otherwise everyone would just go around drinking gin straight from the bottle and thinking it’s socially acceptable. Which.it.totally.is.
That’s why, on those rare occasions when I actually drink a martini, I want enough vermouth in it to taste. I drink Manhattans more often, and I go with 4:1 booze to vermouth with an aggressive amount of bitters.
Eeeewwwww! I hate vermouth! I like a Churchill martini. Which is a glass full of cold gin while looking at a vermouth bottle,
I’m curious, did you pour the honey in first, middle or last? I’m thinking if it is in last, and you shake the hell out of it (not possible right now with your back, or my vaccinated arm), and pour it in quickly, it may mix better.
Although, really, the best solution is dump the honey, and go with Bahrenjager honey liquor. 🙂
A few years ago, I somehow threw out my back whilst putting on pants. Right leg in, left leg…HOLYSHITMOTHEROFGOD! I limped around for days and because of non-refundable tickets decided not to cancel my planned trip to Austin City Limits. Nothing makes me enjoy being over 30 more than sitting on a plane for hours and then spending three days with hipsters trying to explain why I can’t stand upright. The default explanation for my injury was “bar fight” but I would almost immediately recant and give the real reason.
I wonder if you heat the vodka up and dissolve the honey in it, and then let it cool, will it work? (Although who’s got time for all that when there’s vodka to be had?)
the alcohol will evaporate
I broke my fekking leg in 4 places and snapped that ankle directly in half. I tell everyone I was exploring the Templar caves under Jerusalem, and they buy it hook line and sinker. Fell over is the truth. Like you fall. When you get my age. Pass me the vodka I love that shit.
I’ve had 2 concussions. The first happened during sex–his “moves” were much less smooth than he had envisioned. The second I hit my head standing up from tying my shoe on the treadmill. The first might have been more amusing, but the second was a lot less embarrassing to explain to my mom. I was pretty young, in college, and I think what I came up with was that I’d left a magazine on the floor, stepped on it and slipped, hitting my head, but since the bump was on the back of my head, I’m not sure she bought it. Also, I have no idea how this recipe was supposed to work–if you’ve ever tried to mix sugar into unsweetened iced tea, you know what’s up. Heating the vodka to get the honey to dissolve faster is a no-go, since alcohol evaporates rapidly. Just send your SO to ABC to get you some pre-flavored booze and call it a day.
At sixteen I tore a tendon in my knee (can’t remember which it’s been too long) getting out of bed. I was in a brace and on crutches for what seemed like forever. I’d rather have the tuna story…
I’ve found the trick to using honey in cocktails is to make honey simple syrup first – equal parts honey and water, heated until the honey dissolves into the water. This keeps the honey from becoming a ‘chilled mass of snot.’
None of my injuries ever have cool stories to go with them. Not a single one.
As for the ‘sweet standard’, maybe heating up the honey would have made it mix? ‘Cause you can’t very well just heat up the vodka, think of all the alcohol you would lose! I had the same ‘chunky honey’ problem when I was trying out a weird cold lemonade and honey concoction. Needless to say, it did not turn out as promised.
I hear you on crazy injuries. I once tore some ligaments in my ankle while crossing a picket line at a grocery store. I just stepped onto the curb wrong, and boom. The picketers all stopped their chanting to help me though…which made me feel even worse, since I was crossing their line to buy some diet coke! Whoops.
skip the damned vodka and have bourbon…and a little ice if you are a sissy 😉
I think, maybe since you mixed the vodka and honey *with* the ice, that’s why it turned to solid goo. Next time, mix the room temperature vodka and honey first, then add the ice.
That’s what I was going to say. I know you can mix honey with water, so diluting it with vodka wouldn’t be that different. Once the two were thoroughly mixed, THEN you could add the ice.
Funny thing is, I think the honey is a lump at the bottom of the original drink as well. Why anyone would purposely inflict a chunk of that at the bottom of their glass on anyone else is beyond me.
As a cook, I went and read the recipe. My recommendation is to mix the honey and vodka first, then add the ice. Thing is, you’ll probably have to shake it more than your poor back can take.
Am I to take it that you followed the directions EXACTLY right and the directions failed you, not the other way around? This is insane! Absolute crapsanity! In your time of need, too. I would expect this from Pinterest, but not from Marie Claire.
When I was a teenager, I was putting on a bracelet and saw something moving on my chest. It was a spider. I freaked out, shrieked, and slapped it off, dislocating my neck in the process. Of all the injuries I’ve sustained due to stupidity and risky behavior, that one is the most embarrassing.
Don’t be too embarrassed. I smacked my face off a door frame and gave myself a bloody nose when a spider snuck up on me. To add to my humiliation, the spider was probably one of the smallest ones in existence and my dad laughed uncontrollably at me when I sent him into the room to kill it. He also somehow managed to let the story slip out to the rest of my family, who still ridicule me about it to this day.
No consolation at all to either one of you, at 15 I sprained my neck getting out of bed, ( please don’t ask. I still have no idea) and the spasms wrenched involuntary screams all the way to the hospital ( 45 minutes away). I thought my mom was going to kill me. At 28, I was throwing my boyfriend out of the house ( literally, his junk was all over the front yard) and I slammed the door behind him, and broke my nose when I smashed it into my face. He had to drive me to the hospital. (awkward!)
Clearly, leaving the reindeer antler out of the cocktail is what caused the fail.
Seriously, why has no one else commented on whatever the hell is garnishing the drink in the first picture!?
Appears to be a slice of ginger maybe? which makes me think it would taste like a boozy coughdrop.
Sneezing and throwing out your back…terrible. I’ve done that once before and telling someone “I can’t have sex tonight because I hurt myself sneezing” is pretty damn embarassing.
Omg I was down and out for a good 3 weeks because of this. I bent over to pick up something off the floor, sneezed, and boom couldn’t stand up straight. Lord it was painful!
Yes! One of the worse times I threw my back out was trying to stiffle a sneeze because I was carrying hot coffee and didn’t want to splash it all over myself. The burns would have been less painful and embarrassing.
Whoah! Almost knocked myself out once sneezing really hard while standing a bit too close to the bathroom counter! ACHOO…WHACK!
I’ve done that kind of back injury. My last one was bending down to pick up a tiny office trash can. The doc said, aspirin, ibuprofen, whichever. On a happier note, I tried a new cocktail last night which was fantastic. One shot of tequila, juice a fresh grapefruit and a fresh lime, add a tsp of sugar and top off with a fresca (diet or regular) or grapefruit soda. I’m betting any citrus soda would work. Man, that was some yummy shiznit with a pleasant little buzz. Try that. Oh, BTW, I believe it’s called a “Fancy Paloma”. Whatever. It was good stuff.
Pulled my back while playing tug-of-war over a freaking frisbee with a miniature collie while pet sitting (for free!). Had to drive myself to the ER the next morning cuz hubby was deer hunting for 2 weeks. Couldn’t move with spasms. Couldn’t reach the vodka or honey. 🙁 I still think it was a karma thing since I had just finished snooping through the house (not drawers or closets, just looking at furniture).
I am laughing so hard my side hurts! Stuck like snot! Stickiest thing on Earth! Iced vodka, on the other hand, is Mother’s Milk, to me!
As soon as you said honey and cold items I thought, no. That’s gonna fail. And that’s probably not a real drink. Someone made that up! And after a quick Google search the only website I could find a “sweet standard” on is…..here! You got duped I believe!
I like vodka,& I like local honey, but that sounds gross. Sorry to hear about your back. I guess we should all ‘strengthen our cores’ :-Q…
If it makes you feel better I messed up my back 2 days before Christmas. I was flat for 5 days. My amazing story… I was unjamming the copier at work.
I Sprained my wrist getting out of bed one day.
“Oh (expletive expletive expletive expletive expletive)! Really?!”
Haters please note: she followed the directions to the letter, and it was still a fail. Pintester FTW!
My husband tore his medial meniscus and to this day has absolutely no idea when or how he did it. It just started hurting. That’s his story. It. Just. Started. Hurting. At least you know how you did it… Although tuna fish? Really? that must be all of 2 ounces right?
I once strained my knee while sleeping. Woke up in the morning and *bleepity bleep bleep*! My husband broke his hand pitching slow pitch. I told everybody he punched a shark. That was a coole story than ” a 13 year old girl hit the ball and I didn’t step to the left”.
[…] thanks to you all for making me feel better about my stupid injury (which I told you about in my Sweet Standard post) with stories about your stupid injuries. Misery loves company, and apparently I am not […]
I’ve had so many stupid injuries! I broke both bones in my right arm doing a cartwheel. I got whiplash making fun of some one (I totally deserved that one). I’ve twisted my ankles so many times that I can now stand with my feet totally turned in (sole to sole). I had to have surgery about a year and a half ago because my shoes were too tight. I’ve had to have my head sewn up because I walked into a balance beam. I’ve been attacked by a cat so severely, it warranted a trip to the ER and several stitches. I had to wear my arm in a sling because somebody poked me in the shoulder and caused bursitis. Sometimes I feel like a walking disaster area. However, I’ve also had some pretty cool injuries. I got a 2nd degree burn on my leg from my motorcycle. I’ve sprained my wrist breaking boards in taekwondo. There’s definitely an imbalance on the lame/cool injury scale.
If you want honey and booze, just have a Hot Toddy. Honey, whiskey, hot water, and lemon. Delicious. Also if you’re sick, you can totally justify 5 or 10 of them in the name of healing.
I broke a finger once while sleeping. Went to bed fine, woke up with an impossibly bent and painful finger. I don’t even use a top sheet, so I have no clue what I tangled it in to break it.
my dog stood on my pinky toe last month and broke it…my husband thought i was overreacting when i started bawling and hyperventilating until the next day when the whole thing was a swollen black and blue mess. He got to wait on me since i wasn’t allowed to walk on it. yay me!
I got my finger stuck in a wipes dispenser (like the clorox ones only it was Off! wipes to keep the bugs away). Had people holding me down, one pulling my finger, and one cutting the plastic all whilst screaming bloody murder …yep still have a scar.
My roommate in university got lock jaw one night after giving her one-night-stand some “oral pleasure”…she couldn’t talk, so I had to explain to the nurse at the emergency room why my friend’s mouth was stuck in an “O” position….
I’m proud to tell you that in nursing school I fell off my shoe and fractured my ankle. It was the fault of the stupid nursing clogs, not my natural, inherent clumsiness. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
[…] less-than-successfully concocted a cocktail called a sweet standard. It […]
I know I am late to the “party” with my comment but, all these stories made me laugh! And of course I thought of my worst embarrassing injury – I have MANY, but this is the worst. My female roommate and I were out at a sports bar….whooping it up…we ended up slapping each others asses like the guys do in ball games….you know, “nice job”, “good going” and all that while playing billiards….so, on the walk home I slap her ass so hard I broke my wrist…Yup, that’s right, broke my wrist!! Got a pink cast and all! The only thing I can use as an excuse (besides being drunker than a skunk) is that my roommate was on a women’s soccer league and her ass was rock solid!! LOL!! Told everyone I “fell” and broke it! FUN TIMES!
As a beekeeping family, my friend and I set out to figure out which liquor was best, mixed with honey. A big first lesson is no ice. After tests with several liquors we decided that rum or brandy were best. Vodka doesn’t taste great to begin with and honey doesn’t help. I don’t know if this test is accurate because after several hours and a table full of bottles our testing practices became a little lax.
I once got 2nd and 3rd degree burns trying to keep the cat away from my bowl of boiling ramen. I was embarrassed so I didn’t tell anyone and then it blistered and swelled and I had to go to the hospital and everyone felt really bad for me until they learned how it happened.
My last major injury? Dropped a crock pot on my face and broke my nose. Yep. That’s one you wanna tell people…
“I dropped a glass and caught it on the bounce… after it shattered on the counter-top,”
I actually did this, and ever since I can’t bend my thumb all the way!
Seriously, I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard reading comments in my life. I had tears streaming down my face. Is there something wrong with me that makes the suffering and misery of others so damn funny?
On the fourth day of track practice in seventh grade, I tripped on a foam hurdle and broke my leg. The tendon that attaches underneath your kneecap pulled away a chunk of my bone. All my friends in track were laughing “with” me until they realized what they thought to be laughs were actually screams of pain. Reading this post makes me feel less bad about myself.
I have a joint disorder, meaning I injure often. I once sprained my left knee and ankle while hiking in Slovakia, then walked two miles on it (because I was stuck in the woods with no cellphone, no ability to speak Slovakian, and nothing else to do but soldier on). I got lost. On my way back, increasingly desperate, I met four Nazi skinheads (this was in ’08, but the whole skinhead thing is undergoing a major revival there). With nightsticks and camo and holy shit I’m Jewish and not the right nationality in Slovakia (uh… international tensions, long story). I put on my bestest helpless chick smile and said, in English, “Hi! I’m a lost American tourist, help???” They spoke no English, although one spoke a smattering of French, which is about how much I speak, and they actually helped me get back to my group, but oh god I was convinced that they were going to rape and kill me.
I have also fallen off a bike, stepped in a pothole, stepped wrong on a mat, and stepped on a branch — all of these resulted in sprained ankles. But fucking nothing beats, “Yip, once when I sprained my knee and ankle, I also ran into skinheads!” in my repertoire.
Oh dear god, woman,
I have never sprained or broken anything (knock on wood) BUT I have injured myself in stupid ways. For example, once I was doing the dishes and cut the side of my pinky on a glass that I didn’t know was broken and I didn’t realize I was even cut until I took it out of the water and thought “Why does my finger hurt?” It was really bad, the most blood I had ever seen and I am not a squeamish person. I had to have 7 stitches but I still sport a nasty scar that I tell people I got fending off Slovakian Nazis in a bar fight whilst helping an American tourist with a bad knee/ankle. Well, at least that’s what I’ll be telling people from now on.