DIY Exfoliating Scrub

It’s been a while since I’ve mixed pantry shit and rubbed it into my face, so I thought I’d give it another go. This one is a DIY exfoliating scrub.

Image from Confessions of a Wisconsin Housewife

Not pictured is a missing ingredient: honey. False advertising.

I decided to quarter this recipe since it seemed like a lot of exfoliating scrub and I wasn’t planning on using it on my whole body, especially because I wanted to post pictures of it on my blog. Of course the daring Wisconsin housewife who originated the recipe posted this:

For many long moments I could not figure out what body part it was. Thigh? Extreme lower back/extreme upper butt? Neck roll? Someone else had to point out to me that it’s a belly button. Ohhh. Now I get it.

Even still, I was not about to post a naked body part picture on my blog, thankyouverymuch. Yes, I do post the frequent penis picture, but they are always cartoon penises (mostly drawn by me), and plus penises are just funny. None of my naked body parts are funny. Don’t laugh.

Anyway, I assembled a quarter of a recipe worth…

And then my nice camera’s battery died, so we are going old school up in this bitch. That’s right. It’s time for crappy iPhone selfies taken with the inferior front-facing selfie camera. (Here is where I admit that this post is mostly an excuse to post pictures of my stupid face, because you guys seem to like it when I post stupid face pictures. Pander mode: activated.)

Oh yes, this is going on my face. And probably in my belly– let’s be honest. I can’t not at least taste these things. And I have to say, it was pretty good.

Here is my Before Face:

Here is my During Face:

And before I show you my After Face, let me tell you that my nieces made me watch The Princess Diaries with them this morning, which is one of my favorite Ugly Duckling stories ever, partly because Anne Hathaway! and partly because Julie Andrews! and partly because Meg Cabot! (who is the author of the book the movie is based on) and also partly because Mandy Moore!, if I’m going to be totally honest, and anyway, I am highly suggestible so I was fairly convinced that a brown sugar face scrub was going to turn me from geeky unwieldy glasses-wearing socially awkward teenager to PRINCESS OF GENOVIA OMG.

Sadly, no. It just turned me into a slightly more exfoliated version of a 30-something-year-old woman who is still a little obsessed with Mandy Moore and Julie Andrews and uses her nieces as an excuse to watch dumb movies.

And so, the After Face:

In the interest of full disclosure, I will tell you that my face felt nice, so I tried it on some other body parts, too, and they also felt nice. I am still not going to post pictures. No. Nope. Not gonna happen.

But if you’re going to put some shit from your pantry on your body and rub it in, this is not a bad recipe to go with.