Witch Finger Cookies

0 Posted by - October 24, 2012 - Food & Drink, Halloween & Autumn

Ew, gross. Cookies that look like fingers… enough like fingers, in fact, that I was fooled on first glance.

Awesome, right?

Now, to be fair, the blog post instructs you to use a from-scratch sugar cookie recipe. I am lazy, so I used a roll of refrigerated dough, but the caption on the pin promised me that it would work.

Lesson learned: Always believe the blog post over the pin caption.

All began well enough. I carefully shaped the cookies and scored them where the knuckles would be, agonizing over how many score-marks would make the most realistic knuckle.

And then they came out of the oven and I realized no amount of effort mattered at all.

And then I realized I was going to need help photographing the rest of this blog post, so I drafted Mr. Pintester.

“Too blurry.”

“For the love of God, do not photograph me from below. No one needs to see all my chins and my nostrils.”

“Alright, we’re done here.”

The good news? They were tasty. And most people still knew what they were, even though they were flattened beyond recognition to my eyes.

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  • m_pinning

    Call them werewolf paws and they’re an awesome win. You invented something new!

  • lnuccio

    Too frackin’ funny!

  • DianneMessina

    Well, at least you didn’t try to make handburgers!

  • godkina

    Are fingers really what you were going for? I’m thinking you fucked this one up on purpose… a “Dirty Halloween” Pintester Fail…   The tray looks like it’s full of the manhoods of  Lorrain Bobbits ex’s…just sayin’

  • Christine G

    This is not a fail, you just made Fat-Ass Witch Fingers (patent pending, patent pending), she obviously had been stealing all the kids’ candy. Glad you avoided the fake blood detail around the ‘nails’ that I’ve seen on other versions, that would just look like an unpleasant medical condition. Glad they were still tasty, and not a moist, limp mess ^_~

  • Christine G

    “And I think even when <cookies> begin in that horrible situation of <bake>, that it is something god intended to happen.” – Richard ‘ Dick More-dick’ Mourdock

  • MontanaAnderson

    you could called them ‘squished witch’ fingers

  • BethHeurichDancy

    Totally flat penis cookies!  UGH!

  • http://www.musingmonika.com/ monika_z

    That is EXACTLY what would happen to mine if I tried to make those. Even if I made the dough from scratch. This is why I stick to cookie cutters. I get the shapes I want (mostly) without agonizing and having my efforts fall flat (pun intended). So don’t feel too bad.

  • Truffles8761

    I don’t know anyone who had a success with this pin (and I know many who tried).  You are in the majority.  Me?  I’d add some chocolate dots and call them “spotted dicks”.

  • kittenlamieux

    They look like mummies in sleeping bags.

  • QuillJa

    First of all, I love that you’re still rocking your dripping blood manicure. My nails would be a chipped mess by now.
    Your cookies look exactly like every cookie I’ve ever baked with store bought cookie dough. I hate how many times I come across pins that have captions that don’t resemble the tutorial/recipe they came from.

  • SarahRidens

    I would have rather eaten the cookie dough than make lumpy penis cookies… just sayin

  • ShannonGlover

    Steamrolled witch fingers!

  • kasethepeanut

    Just call them the fingers of the Wicked Witch of the East…you know, after they took the house off her flattened corpse.

  • http://www.stringingintherain.etsy.com stringingintherain

    oh well, they still taste good – right? why not try this witchie cupcake. (no, i didnt make it – mine would look like crappolla!)  http://pinterest.com/pin/115756652892521441/

    • pandymonium

      Whenever I see people post ideas like this I just sit back, laugh, and think of all the ways to eff it up.  I mean… that looks like fondant.  Should pintestees be playing with fondant???

  • LyndeePhillips

    I made them last halloween but I used the Martha Stewart recipe and they came out fabulous. They weren’t like cookies though, more like pretzels, and they took forever!

  • http://www.barkingdogshoes.com/ BarkingDogShoes

    Laughing hard. We with rheumatoid arthritis call those “sausage fingers.”

  • ChelleCrew

    Those look like the flattened version of my mildly deformed pinkey toes, only my pinkey toes are like 1/4 of this size.

  • Hillkat83

    Lol I live the fact that you aluminum foiled the cookie sheet so you didn’t have to wash it later lol *high fives for the lazy folk and those who burn cookware beyond recognition*

    • Hillkat83

      Ugh love not live lol damn phone

    • Pintester

      Hillkat83 Actually I did it because I didn’t want to hear anything about how gross my cookie sheet is… ;)

      • Hillkat83

        @Pintester lol that works too!! Mine are all warped and discolored so I feel your pain lol.

      • Christine G

        Pintester Hillkat83 Sounds like another Pin that needs to be tested!

  • nikkiy

    ogre toes. hehehe

  • DianeMinnisWhite

    In the future, if you want to use store bought premade cookie dough, add extra flour to it. Knead it until it is much more firm. This goes for rolling out sugar cookies too. It will keep it from spreading so much. But you can’t beat a good scratch recipe. Here are some I made for my Halloween party.
    https://www.facebook.com/diane.m.white.96/posts/4806846537934?ref=notif&notif_t=feed_comment#!/photo.php?fbid=2510187162885&set=a.2510186722874.139867.1499289361&type=3&theater

  • MickiSheppard

    Witch Dicks, Warlock Cocks, Pumpkin Pokers….

  • ashleyem1991

    the post-melting result of the witch from the wizard of oz. not a fail, but rather an accurate representation of how her appendages look. plus let’s be real here, a cookie is a cookie. as long as they taste good, i don’t even care what they look like.

  • Melynn

    Fuck it….next time add a little green food coloring to the dough and call them ogre toes…….

    • Gemini Girl

      Great idea, or flattend Shreck Penis lol

  • CrystalKYuhhyzaguirre

    they look like penises sort of. penises in which the circumcision didnt go so well.

    • renlish

      CrystalKYuhhyzaguirre Dammit! You beat me to it. That’s exactly what I thought when I saw them.  LOL

  • Zophie

    Hah, exactly what happened to me last year. Are you sure you didn’t get a hold of my picture of the cookies, they were exactly like these, down to the nail. Except I used whole almonds… and then it looks like the witch that got flattened by a steam roller had a nail fungus too. Some bad luck there, huh?

  • ___leah

    I made these about 4 years ago now, and they turned out exactly the same as yours!

  • Mommybailey

    Lol you’re pics alone were awesome! Thanks for giving me a good laugh every morning! I do have a suggestion of a pin that i’ve been dying to try but am afraid! Its whiskey caramel candies! Um hello? How amazing does that sound???!!! The link is http://www.sohowsittaste.com/2012/03/salted-whiskey-caramels.html

  • shannahgoss

    I have made these using a different recipe and green dye in the cookie and mine turned out great….too bad I have no idea what recipe I used!

  • Kaylah

    Am I the only one that thinks they look like a penis? Lol, atleast they were tasty though.

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  • MandarTheGreat

    Your nails still look good though!! Well, at least the only one that matters on that hand any way.

  • pharmd2012

    Those definitely look like a penis with a fingernail…or a big, ugly toe. Either way, ewww.

  • TaraLynnRichardson

    To me, they look like bigfoot feet… and third one from the right on the bottom row has an ingrown nail…heh.

  • dallaschancey1

    Flaccid penis with a calcium growth. :| I’m horrified I thought of that.

  • StephHC

    Wiener cookies! I am going to bake them for my upcoming divorce party!

  • lunarmom

    Mmmm, Sweetie, those don’t look a thing like MY fingers.   Cuz ya know, I’m a real live witch.  Could we call them Republican Fingers instead?
    Thanks!  :P

  • ValSatula

    I made something similar to these but they were cheesy crackers. So delish, you should try them!

  • StinkBubbles

    I’m less concerned with the fact that the pintester got to enjoy delicious, albeit non-witch finger cookies, and more concerned with the number of comments likening said cookies to penises. I’ve never seen a dangler like that, and I went through a pretty slutty phase in college. Where are you ladies finding these flat, wonky wangs? Step away from the dive bars, my friends. I know the drinks are cheap, but you can do better.

    • NotASingleGram

      StinkBubbles I just laughed so effin hard :)

    • MandarTheGreat

      StinkBubbles Phase??? Hell, I’ve been through a slutty ADULT life and still haven’t seen anything quite like that. Yick :| I’d eat them anyway. Slather some Nutella on them badboys and they’re good to go. Aw damn. Now I’m HONGRY.

      • Karen

        you just gave me an idea. take the flat witch fingers, spread with nutella, add another one on top. Viola! Homemade Milano cookies. Pin that!

  • http://thissillygirlslife.com/ ThisSillyGirlsLife

    LOL, at least your manicure looks awesome!
    http://ThisSillyGirlsLife.com

  • RNobgyn30

    That’s TOTALLY how mine would have turned out too. Glad you tried it and not I.  How do these people get them to look like they do in these photographs anyway.  Keepin’ it real.

  • StephanieDJackson

    I imagine the “cookies” they are showing in the pic are RAW formed fingers.

  • emuise

    This post was fucking hilarious!

  • ShhutTheFrontDoor

    Maybe next time you can do them out of biscuit dough…http://www.rhodesbread.com/recipes/view/wicked-witch-dippers  It wouldn’t be nearly as funny of course.

  • Gemini Girl

    WTF???? I can’t stop laughing, did NOT see that coming. They look like you took a bunch of penises and got really angry at them lol Thanks for the laugh and the funny visual lol

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  • Pixie Stix

    For those who say that the original cookies are raw, nope. I’ve made them. The kids helped me. They came out looking so realistic (especially after I put on a slightly tinted glaze that made them look skin colored) that the boy wouldn’t even eat them.

  • ann

    hahahahahahaha I did the same thing once. I’m laughing so hard…………….

  • Ekoehn

    I laughed SO hard once I saw then end result, but I’m laughing even harder reading all the penis comments!! Yes, I’m juvenile like that…

  • LaDeTralalaWeirdLady

    To me they look like something I’d have studied in zoology in college. Planaria, maybe? But if they’re good, that’s the only really important thing. Also, maybe they needed to be much fatter and higher pre-bake to be more rounded? Just a guess. Also, you could’ve just slopped some raspberry jam on top and say the witch got her fingers slammed in a door. :P LOL