This post was originally posted on CraftFail!
I was in New York a few weeks ago, and while I was there, I went to this fancy-pants speakeasy where they had old-fashioned snooty cocktails called things like The Old Fashioned. (Right?) I wanted to make fun of the douche-baggery, but honestly, they were the best freaking cocktails I’ve ever had.
So I returned to my home state eager to try my hand at some of my own cocktail concoctions. The Paloma looked promising on Pinterest, mostly because I had an approximation of all of the ingredients.
Well, approximation. The blog post waxes poetic about reposado tequila that is sucked from the agave leaves by the mouths of virgins and aged in barrels made from Jesus’ cross for exactly 17 years and 2 days.
I didn’t have any of that shit. I used Jose Cuervo, mayn.
I also did not have any fresh grapefruits or limes. (Big surprise there.) So Ocean Spray came to my rescue.
It’s surprisingly difficult to find out how much grapefruit juice is in half a grapefruit. When I Googled it, the response was largely, “OMG, you shitstain! I cannot believe you are too lazy to juice a damn grapefruit! You do not deserve to know the answer! You are dead to me. Dead.” So I guessed.
It will be no surprise to you that I guessed wrong and ended up with no room left in the glass for the club soda…
… a problem easily solved by drankin’ somma dat shit. So I did and then topped it off with the club soda.
I have to tell you, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, I’m sure the Holy Tequila would have made it better and stuff, but you can’t really go wrong with juice and tequila. (I might embroider that on a pillow.)
Love it! Vicariously, you know, since I’m breastfeeding, but love the story. Especially the internet’s unwillingness to answer you. I get that all the time. It’s like the web is being snobby. Your try-its are hilarious. You rock.
Damn! You are getting good at mixing drinks!! Maybe you should start with a cocktail then try a craft so your tag line can be “Getting drunk and fucking up pintrest”…wait that’s me…Nevermind!
Hey! I had that same drink at a friend’s house on Saturday night. I’m pretty sure they used the same ingredients as you, though they may have used grapefruit soda, thus combining the juice and soda steps. We kept tasting them until he thought he had them about right and, by then, who cares anyway! I remember that they were tasty before it didn’t matter anymore, though.
I love your blog, by the way!
I don’t drink alcohol any more, but I do love me some blended concoctions. Lime and grapefruit are two of my faves. Nicely done on this one!
(Lora, you actually CAN have one cocktail a day, or up to three, and still be peachy with the breastfeeding. In fact, beer is recommended. But please, only choose the good kind.)
One medium grapefruit yields about 8 ounces of juice. Hope that helps for next time!!
[…] posted The Paloma on Pintester, which got a bit warmer reception there than it did from its original spot on […]
Sooo, how much grapefruit juice IS in half a grapefruit? I am only asking for a friend who doesn’t have grapefruits (because i totally do) but does have limes
Ok – not a comment on the Paloma HOWEVER you mentioned the Old Fashioned, and they are pretty much the state drink here in WIsco. I’m guessing they make them different in NY. So since your blog hilarious and pretty much looks like the shit I end up with when I attempt Pinterest things I am going to share how we do Old Fashioned here in WI – supper club style.
bitters (people say angostura but I’ve never seen any other kind so whatevs)
BRANDY (I hear brandy is harder to find in other states)
get a glass. Put a couple cherries, a slice of orange and some sugar. Maybe like a tsp of sugar, more if you like sweet, I don’t really measure.
Muddle them together – an actual muddler would prob work best but you can just mash it together with whatever. Just make sure it’s all crushed up.
Shake a few bitters on top. Add ice. Add brandy – like…2/3 full maybe. Depends on how strong you like your drinks. Top with the pop. It’s easiest to mix by pouring into another glass then back again. Repeat if necessary. Garnish with cherries and orange slice if you care about that kind of thing.
Best. cocktail. ever.
I would like to own one of those pillows.
I am now a huge fan, I’ve read almost every post you’ve made and this is my favorite so far. Your sarcastic wit and general disdain of everything, plus the affinity to alcohol, well, for me it’s like you’re reading my mind. Finding your blog is like finding a semi-clean shirt in the dirty laundry that smells decent enough to wear again. Trust me that’s a huge compliment coming from me. Looking forward to more posts!
I have to say, we’ve been drinking Palomas in our house for years. My lovely Mexican husband makes them though he uses grapefruit soda, sparkling water, 1800 Silver (1800 is NOT required but I think that the use of SILVER tequila is much more preferred than any other variety), lime juice and salt. It is my favorite tequila cocktail when done properly. I do not think the recipe on the original blog is the perfect Paloma by any stretch.
I agree with Kelly (not only because we share the same name and both have Mexican husbands), grapefruit soda makes all the difference in this cocktail. We use Squirt (terrible name, great soda), tequila, fresh lime, and salt.
LOL love the doily underneath.. nice attempt ;D
Old fashioneds are he best! On Wisconsin!
You are a genius my friend. My new favorite blog.
You.Are.Amazing. I just laughed until I cried when I read “shitstain” because my friend and I use that all the time and didn’t realize anybody else did! I’m really enjoying your blog.
This is my favorite drink to make at home! I don’t bother with club soda and grapefruit juice though, I cheat and use Squirt instead! Mix it up with a white tequila, a little bit of sweetened lime juice, and throw in some margarita salt for good measure. Enjoy! 😉
Holy shit this one is killing me, I might pee my pants on the couch because I don’t want to get up I just want to read your next pintest!
omg, holy shut the front door the chops are comin….you are heeelarious. As a nurse and single mom, you have made my life way better. Some of the idiots that miss your sense of humor with these posts deserve not to read them. After really long days, this makes me weep even without the wine! Being known as the biggest ass, but smart nonetheless in my office, I have introduced everyone to your blog.
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I know this is a year old now, but I have only just discovered you and, in the spirit of your blog, I have to tell you that “Paloma” is Spanish for dove but also Mexican Slang… for penis.
I hope you make these again sometime, armed with this new knowledge.