Guys, sometimes you just have to phone it in. Today is the Monday after a weekend of two dinner parties at my house, one of them with pumpkin carving, one of them with birthday cake, and both of them with kids.
Pumpkin de-gutting with Mom and Robbie’s-Mom
And, in true Pintester style, I fucked up almost everything I tried to make, bake, or cook for my family and friends. Good thing they love me anyway. There were even tears at one point. I had already ruined the birthday cake by forgetting to spray my bundt pan before I put the batter in. (I know, I know. I should have learned my lesson by now, but I just forgot.) So my mom and I devised a brilliant trifle so as not to waste the cake.
But, when it was time to cook dinner and I needed four cups of rice (rice, people– should be the easiest part of dinner not to fuck up), I decided to be all fancy like Alton Brown and sautee the rice first so it would be nice and fluffy… which works fine (I’ve even done it successfully in the past), unless you decide at the last minute that your rice and water aren’t all going to fit in the pan you’ve selected and you turn your back for one minute to wash the stock pot which you already boiled macaroni in and your rice burns all to hell in that one minute.
And then you burst into tears and throw the whole thing away and your mom and sister save the day again by running out to the store to buy bread instead. And your husband spends the next two hours scouring the rice pan that you fairly well ruined.
(He un-ruined it by the way, so today’s excuse for crippling guilt does not have to be that.)
Dinner FAIL.
So I am wiped the hell out, and decided to try something easy today.
Image from Home Is Where the Boat Is
Cute, right?
Know what’s not so cute? Finding white chocolate chips at 10 a.m. when you have no bra on and your car keys are missing. So I improvised. I made regular hot chocolate and got out my food coloring.
Any bets as to how that went?
I went with the red food coloring first and got a color resembling oxblood.
Adding yellow did not help.
And at this point, I gave up, because the lesson I learned this weekend is that even if you fail, as long as people don’t leave hungry, you win.
29 Comments
awww what a mess! but hey, when familys around it always makes things better! im just jealous you’re still able to wear sleeveless right now, i currently live in Wyoming and freeze my most-of-the-time-braless boobs off. its gotten to the point that when i actually do put a bra on my kids get excited bc they know we are about to go somewhere! sad. i know.
Mommybailey Is it a coincidence that there is a Vanity Fair banner ad at the top of this page?
VanessaMoon1 Mommybailey lol thats so funny. i didnt even notice that. even jcp is tellin us to cover those babies up.
I’m pretty sure I had a loose-stool that color and consistency when I had mono…I’m sure it would have looked much cuter with a white marshmallow ghost floating on it.
scotpjmacdonald I just spit frozen yogurt out of my nose (which, btw, gives new meaning to brain freeze as I know it).
Oxblood seems to me to be entirely appropriate for hallowe’en. You can call it ‘blood chocolate’, and gross all the kids out. Total win, right?
How did your hubs un-ruin the pan? I have totally failed in a similar fashion, but just left the pan on the stove for days hoping it would just magically get clean. <note: this does not work>
joyinasia523 He used Bartenders Friend, which is awesome for cleaning lots of things. Plus a lot of elbow grease.
Pintester joyinasia523 an hours worth of elbow grease. got a raw knuckle or 2 out of it also.
Pintester joyinasia523 apparently most burns can be removed from stainless steel unless you burn sugar.
I tried making “Red Velvet Hot Chocolate” one year for Valentine’s Day…yeah, not so much. It was mostly oxblood-colored as well 🙁
Not gonna lie, when I read “orange hot chocolate” My mind immediately went to orange and chocolate flavored hot chocolate and I started yelling in my mind “why the hell do people insist on ruining Hot Chocolate?!??!” After reading about it, I got over it of course. Oxblood red cocoa seems to fit with halloween as well though, so I count it as a win!
Try it with White hot chocolate 🙂 I bet it would work really well
There have been a few times I have gone to the store bra-less, and once I commit to that decision, it is like the rest of my body jumps on board. The hair doesn’t do what you want, and clothes seem to disappear so you are wear sweats that probably have some unidentifiable stain on them. It is definitely a scary sight, and there are totally judging looks by the check out people. I totally understand the not going to the store, the lost keys are just icing on the already burnt cake.
There have been a few times I have gone to the store bra-less, and once I commit to that decision, it is like the rest of my body jumps on board. The hair doesn’t do what you want, and clothes seem to disappear so you are wearing sweats that probably have some unidentifiable stain on them. It is definitely a scary sight, and there are totally judging looks by the check out people. I totally understand the not going to the store, the lost keys are just icing on the already burnt cake.
This was hil-arious! Ecard reads “I’m afraid I can’t go. I’ve already taken off my bra” must have been for you?
Rice is a lot harder than it sounds. I almost burned my house down making rice. Ran out to grab the kids after putting the rice on. I ended up chatting with the neighbors about bikini waxing for WAY too long. I’m a sucker for a good bikini waxing chat, I guess. When my six year-old went in, he came out screaming about the smoke alarms. Oops.
There was this one Christmas, when we bought a “fresh” turkey. When we opened it, it was obviously spoiled. And we had the oil all heated and ready to fry that bad boy. (I know it sounds so redneck, but fried turkey is delicious so I embrace the redneck.) Our only other meat available to fry was bluegill fish. Therefore, as my husband and father fried our fish on the front porch (the only place out of the wind) we prepared stuffing, cranberry salad and yams. It was a wholly unsatisfying Christmas dinner. I had to drown my disappointment in pumpkin pie.
one time shortly after my son was born I put some of his bottles and shit in a pot to boil to sterilize. Well everyone was uber tired apparently because we all fell asleep and woke up to a house full of smoke and burned plastic smell. All the water had boiled down and all the plastic was melted. THAT was a ruined piece of cookware.
It’s the end of October and you call oxblood a fail? Uh…I think not…WINNING!
You really are Bridget Jones ^_^ But it’s better to try and fail than to not try at all, right? right? O.o My first thought with the “Orange Hot Chocolate” pin title was hot chocolate + triple sec = tasty BOO-ze
[…] a weekend of fails, I failed again. But no one was […]
I had a dinner fail with tears last night and part of it was leftovers. The salmon I cooked was a different brand that required thawing prior to cooking. I didn’t see the big Step 1-Thaw Directions before I tossed it into the oven. Then I under cooked the potatoes. The leftover chuck of pork was under cooked and unedible and the new creamed spinach recipe, well, just no. I’m going out tonight.
[…] brilliance from the Pintestes this week, and boy, there’s some good stuff: Mommybailey awww what a mess! but hey, when familys around it always makes things better! im just jealous you’re still […]
Once I put on a squash to bake in my VERY short granola-mom-who-makes-her-homemade-baby-food phase. Thank God my little sister was living with us and was just getting home from work when an realized FROM THE PAJAMA SECTION OF ROSS WHERE I WAS SHOOPING that I fully left the house AFTER I started baking. I called just as she opened the door to the smoke filled house. “If there is no fire, open the windows and turn off the oven!! If there’s fire call 911!” SO STUPID and burned the eff out of my fancy stoneware. I stubbornly kept the burned pan for like two years out of spite.
I’ve only read a few of these Fails but my thought is that y dont actually use the ingredients you are supposed to so of coarse you screw it up and also i wonder if you just have no culinary skills in the first place should you even be attempting these things you are providing an opinion on whether these things work and are good but you dont follow the directions therefore you are giving false info with all that said you are funny as you screw it up
There wasn’t a single period in that entire post. That being said, you’re acting like you’re on your period.
You completely miss the humor in this blog, don’t you? Also, she provides opinions on her own stuff, but not the original. So, since you are too uptight/missing your sense of humor, kindly go away. Don’t like the blog? No need to make yourself look like an ass.
And you’re an awful speller too! Nyah! >:C