Ok, ok. You guys have been begging for this one…
Yeah, apparently you can whiten your teeth with activated charcoal. Only slightly less disturbing is the fact that they actually sell activated charcoal for you to ingest.
If you can’t read that, it says that it recommends you take 2 capsules 2-3 times daily. It doesn’t say why the hell you’d do that, except that it’s not intended to help you if you’ve accidentally poisoned yourself. Okaaaay. Anyway, it makes me feel a little better that you’re actually supposed to ingest this stuff, since I’m going to be rubbing it all over my teeth.
And, by the way, here’s the “BEFORE” of my teeth.
Not great, but I’d give myself a solid “mother of pearl” as opposed to, you know, “buttered popcorn” or something. Please to ignore the weird hair pieces sticking out of my head. It was hot as Satan’s sweaty asscrack here today, and therefore it was a top-knot day. Also, I’m on day 2 or 3 (I forget) of the same hair-washing, and it’s finding the funk.
The instructions didn’t say much about how you’re supposed to do this, so I opted to open a capsule and dump it in a little dish, then spread it on with a toothbrush. Not knowing how gross this whole proposition was going to be, I opted for a toothbrush I didn’t plan to use again.
Really, you could probably do this just by biting open the capsule and, you know, rubbing it around with your finger or something. It’s pretty straightforward. Your spit makes sort of a disgusting black paste out of the whole thing, so you don’t even need to add water. Spit is nature’s water I guess.
Water is nature’s water. Whatever. You know what I mean.
Many charcoal selfies ensued.
(That last one is definitely my favorite. I think it’s the neck veins that really make it work. The forehead wrinkles don’t hurt either. Also it’s fucking terrifying, FTW.)
The rinsing part was honestly the most disgusting. I fell asleep when I watched District 9, but unfortunately not before the dude vomited black alien goo all over his birthday cake. That’s kind of what it looked like. Fortunately, it came off pretty well. I mean, like, better than red wine usually does, so I’m ok with it.
The real question: Did it work? I shall let you be the judge. I did the exact same color correcting on all of these photos (namely, I hit the “enhance” button in iPhoto), so don’t go accusing me of Photoshopping the evidence.