If you’re not following my personal account on Twitter (@SonjaFoust), you missed my saga of bugs and vermin this week.
Let’s start with the set-up before the 4th of July holiday:
There is a creepy bug in my office that looks like it stings or bites or is somehow poisonous. And IT FLIES. #quittingTime
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) June 30, 2014
Oh hell. I took a swing at the flying spider thing and now it's pissed. #bugJam2014
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) June 30, 2014
#bugJam2014 Creature has gone into hiding. Unsure whether to keep my shoe at the ready or put it back on to protect foot from bug bitey evil
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) June 30, 2014
#bugJam2014 Bug still MIA. My only hope: housekeepers find it and dispatch it for me. Expecting that it will be waiting for me tomorrow.
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) June 30, 2014
All was quiet for many days, and then…
#bugJam2014 continues. I thought it died, but it just moved to the conference room, where it tried to hide in @cararousseau 's water glass.
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) July 14, 2014
Forgot to update you on #bugJam2014 . It appears they are adapting. Today I found a giant jumping bug and a roach the size of a mouse.
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) July 16, 2014
#bugJam2014 " 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my [office window]; Only this, and nothing more." (Quoth the vermin, "Nevermore.")
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) July 16, 2014
(Yes, my life is a creepy Poe poem.) #bugJam2014
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) July 16, 2014
And to top it all off…
Apparently it is the day of disgusting infestations. Found mouse poop in half of my cupboards. Please kill me before the bugs and vermin do.
— Sonja Foust (@SonjaFoust) July 16, 2014
And, no, I have not yet caught the mouse. The little fucker is still at large. My utensil drawers still have poop in them, which at first I thought was chocolate sprinkles. Luckily, I did not taste one to find out.
So, I’m doing what I always do: Don’t get mad, get absolutely shit-faced drunk. (Someone put that on a t-shirt.)
I wanted to find something appropriate, so today I’m trying a chocolate cocktail. Why is that appropriate?, you ask. Chocolate sprinkles, my friends. Chocolate motherfucking sprinkles.
Image from CocktailTimes.com
Unfortunately, I drank all the rum last week during a particularly rough bout of alternately binge-watching HGTV and feeling sorry for myself because I don’t live in a swanky Manhattan apartment with custom vinyl wallpaper and a white leather couch that you’re not actually supposed to sit on. I had some pineapple rum left, but I didn’t think that would go with mint and chocolate, so I dug some brandy out of the back of the cabinet. That’ll do.
Oh yeah– I didn’t have white creme de menthe either because we don’t go in for that classy shit around here. Mine is Leprechaun green. And I will add here that any cocktail I’ve ever made that had creme de menthe in it has turned out horribly wrong and also I despise cocktails with cream in them, especially white Russians, which make me dry heave a little just from thinking about them. So things looked promising from the start.
Anyway, because of the Leprechaun green creme de menthe, the mixed drink is, well, greener than the recipe would have you believe. (On the plus side, tomorrow I will have the pleasure of thinking back and trying to solve the mystery of what turned my poop green.)
A quick shake and strain (heehee) later, and this is what happens.
And now, the piece de resistance: the chocolate sprinkles. First I tried just dumping them in and they sank to the bottom, so I had to float them on top of the drink with a spoon. I am that dedicated to making a gross reference to mouse turds, people.
And since this cocktail is different enough from the original recipe that I can say I made it up, I’m going to dub it the mouse turd cocktail and call it a win, even if it does sort of taste like mint chip ice cream float in brandy rather than Coke. And I’ll probably be horribly ill later from the combined effects of creme de menthe and cream. Only for you guys. Bottoms up. Wish me luck with that little fucking mouse.
8 Comments
I had a huge infestation of mice a few months back. Fuckers were cocky as Hell, sitting right on my back porch torturing my cat. Found the best way to get rid of em that’s safe for kids (cps frowns on accidental poisoning) and pets. Get some cheap ass cotton balls, put a bit of peppermint oil on em, then stick em all over. Your house will reek of candy canes but no more little mice! Best of luck!
At least the mouse only crapped in one area of your drink.
The peppermint oil works, but I prefer to kill the little bastards. Use a regular old-style mouse trap, not a catch and release one, and bait it with part of a pink jellybean. The pink ones have the strongest smell and will dry onto the bait prongs, making it difficult to remove. I’ve caught even the smartest little turd droppers doing this.
For those of you about to say “even a mouse has a right to live”, yes, it does…but not in my kitchen. I do feel bad when I see its furry little corpse, so I apologise to it and give it a proper burial in the back yard.
I had rats last year. EIGHTEEN rats. Do I win something? Judging from the mice I accidentally caught in my rat traps, they really like sunflower nut butter. Go get ’em.
My great grandma used to trap mice with a bucket of water. She’d put little pieces of cheese & dog kibble around the edge. She stuck them on with lard, but peanut butter should work. Somehow the little fuckers would scale the side of the bucket to get the good, then fall in and drown. She laughed hysterically every time she found one.
You have succeeded in making me throw up. Let’s call it a win. Also, I came here because i had to share this
http://news.nster.com/1834-these-21-random-acts-of-sarcasm-will-make-your-day.html?b=2
It made me think of you!
I actually caught 5 mice baiting my traps with chocolate chips! That is what they were getting into(I think I lost at least 5 or 6 bags of chocolate chips) so I figured that if they liked them that much, they could die eating them! I usually caught them within half an hour of us going to bed.
Can the next Pintester Movement be a cocktail one? This made me LOL.