Do you guys ever read blog posts from people with these disclaimers all over them about not judging, i.e., “I LET MY KID EAT THREE AND A HALF DORITOS WITH HIS ALL NATURAL ORGANIC VEGAN LUNCH DON’T JUDGE ME,” or, “JESUS FUCK FINE I ADMIT IT– SOMETIMES I GO TO BED WITHOUT WASHING MY FACE DON’T JUDGE ME,” or, “#sometimesIUseMyDogAsATowel #don’tJudgeMe…” Well, this is going to be one of those posts, because I’m going to show you my dirty couch. Don’t fuckin’ judge me, ya bitches.
(It’s fine. I know you’re going to anyway even though I said don’t, because I always judge the people who tell me not to judge them. I judge them fiercely in my mind, but very quietly so as not to be one of those judgy people.)
Ahem.
Apparently you can clean microfiber couches with rubbing alcohol.
Image from 551 East
My saga began on a Saturday morning. I had some friends coming over Sunday night and I decided a good hostess would present her guests with clean couches. My couches were not clean. They have had dog ass all over them for like 10 years. You go ahead and try and see if you can keep your couch clean with dog ass all over it all the time.
Luckily, Pinterest has the answers to all and told me that microfiber couches can be cleaned with rubbing alcohol. You just need a spray bottle to put the rubbing alcohol in, something to scrub the couch with, and some kind of brush to fluff the microfibers back up when the couch dries.
Yeah, so, my brush actually has a pumice stone on one side of it because, ha, it’s meant to be a pedicure brush, but it’s the only brush I had and DON’T JUDGE ME.
Here is a particularly gross picture of my couch.
Looks like a shitstain, don’t it? I’m pretty sure it’s just mud (like 87% sure), but it’s still gross and could be mistaken for shit and therefore is inappropriate for, you know, being on a couch. DON’T JUDGE ME.
Anyways, I got to spraying and used up pretty much all the rubbing alcohol I had on one couch cushion because apparently I get carried away when directions on the Internets use the word “saturate.”
And then I scrubbed and grossed myself right the hell out. DON’T JUDGE ME.
You know what, though? Judge me. Judge me right the fuck up because that shit is nasty and there is no excuse for it. All that grossness came off my couch. Yuck. Ew. Vom.
So after a trip to Sam’s Club for like a gallon more rubbing alcohol, I cleaned the rest of the little couch and all of the big couch.
Observations:
1. Rubbing alcohol burns when you breathe it in. A lot.
2. When you think the smell has dissipated, it has not, because the first thing your friends will say when they walk into your house more than 24 hours post-alcohol saturation, with your newly cleaned couches will be, “Is that [sniff sniff] nail polish remover?”
3. It will fail to get out the gnarliest pee stain (you’re judging again, aren’t you?), but everything else will come up pretty well.
4. It will take the whole damn day.
27 Comments
Microfiber couches are a magnificent thing. I managed to get blood out of mine without a trace, which is quite impressive because everyone knows couch physics dictate couches must magnetically attract and then permanently store all that is gross and/or crumbly and/or embarrassing. This rule becomes especially true when other people (such as mother-in-laws) are coming to visit and have the potential to “lose an earring” and then search your couch cushion grossness for all judgeable things your couch has collected for just such a moment. Microfiber couches defy these couch laws and are therefore magnificent.
I wholeheartedly believe that you just put all that couch rules and MIL stuff just to make us forget about asking about all that blood you had to remove XD
I don’t know what you’re talking about. I would never do anything like that. Ooh, hey, is that a zonkey? *points and runs away*
You really should give us details on what you did to remove the blood out of the couch. And how big the bloodstain was. You know, in case we ever need to quickly calculate how much *whatever you used* will get rid of the bloodstains in our own couches. For reasons. 😀
For painstaking precision cleaning you can always whip out the Q-tips and dish soap, put for larger whole-couch stains I recommend hoisting your carpet cleaner up there and powering through the evidence.
There was so much alcohol smell up in here, i’m pretty sure the dog was feeling a bit queasy. And so was I.
Word of advice after doing this: DO NOT try to expidite the drying of the couches with a hair dryer. You will burn holes in your couch… unless you want your friends/family to think you have some type of burning fire crotch, then go ahead. I won’t (will) judge.
OMG I’m DYING. Great comment.
I know it seems un-american and all, but this truly works better with cheap vodka. Doesn’t smell and dries quickly. I used to be a flight attendant and sometimes mini bottles would magically appear in my bag at home thanks to the mischievous airline elves and one mini bottle of Finlandia lasted about a year
I actually considered trying vodka when I ran out of rubbing alcohol, but I feel like you should, you know, DRINK vodka, not clean your couch with it. I couldn’t get over the mental block.
Cheap vodka FTW though. It works incredibly well for getting out nasty mothball stink.
Who am I to judge… haha, jk. Why don’t you just get a couch that is your dog’s color?
Actually, it’s not the hair that was the problem. That vacuums off pretty well. And my couch IS sort of dirt-colored, which is mostly what came off (I think). So, you know, dog dirt blends in pretty well I guess. I win?
I’ve missed this blog! I need to try this. My dog is a drool monster.
I will never have a white couch. Our blue one hides everything….kid drool, dog drool, husband drool. 😉 Glad it was clean for your visitors.
Wow, I am seriously impressed with how well that worked! What a difference!
I had to clean my couch today, quickly, and was out of rubbing alcohol. One quick Pinterest trip later and I was scrubbing that thing with baby wipes. Worked just as well and smelled like clean baby. Who knew hording from my (now quite big) little girls would pay off in a pinch.
You always make me laugh. My microfiber office futon has dog and cat ass on it. Guess it’s time to break out the rubbing alcohol. Unless… you think Vodka would work better? Then I could swig as I clean. lol!
I’m so glad for a new post!!!!!!! Also, I’m totally going to bed without washing my face tonight, but don’t judge me!
I miss you posting regularly. Please stop having a life and APPEASE US DAMNIT. Just kidding <3
Also… Pintester Movement, we can has?
Reminds me of this post I saw!! “No no, let me clean before you enter {said the mom with naked kids}…”
The whole degrading yourself so as to get compliments… UGH BARF
http://houseofroseblog.com/home-tour/
Your couch doesn’t look so bad. Mine are absolutely disgusting! I have four small children who routinely spill things on them and when they were babies would chew on. I was thinking of trying it but wasn’t sure it would work. Maybe I’ll give it a try.
Mine looked like Valeries, (I have 3 kids that spill crap on it all day long, leaking sippies, etc)before I cleaned it today.. With my carpet cleaner with upholstery attachment. lol I don’t have time to clean it with this stuff, this is for people who have a couple small marks on it, not a whole couch they have to do. I fully believe that. lol problem with this fabric is if you get it wet in a small area, it’s going to leave a ring, so you’re forced to clean the whole thing. the water that comes out of mine looks like chocolate milk, and it’s quite possible that 90% of it is, indeed, chocolate milk.
Okay, so I tried this, and because I am extremely lazy, I didn’t take all day at it – also, the lung burns. Anyway, I rented a carpet cleaner from the grocery store with the attachment thingy, added rubbing alcohol and a little dish soap (for the smell) and went for it. The couch can stay.
I definitely need to do this. My dog has this thing…I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him, but he constantly LICKS the damn couch. The husband said it must feel good on his tongue (which makes me wonder if the husband licked the couch on the sly just to see what it felt like…and yes, I have contemplated doing just that…DON’T JUDGE ME!) Anyway, as a result, I have Boxer/Lab mix slobber stains the size of dinner plates in spots on the couch. Thanks for trying it out…I’m pretty lazy when it comes to upholstery so I think it’s time to dig out the afghans…the weather is getting cooler, you know.
Im a yacht stewardess and alcohol is my BEST FRIEND
clean everything with it. Get alcohol de manager and it won’t smell of acetone it will smell of yummy lemon or vanilla or weirdly, cinnamon. Don’t eat it 🙂
This would have been an absolutely perfect post without all of the vulgar language ..and due to the language, I wouldn’t dare share this or follow you. Im not perfect. I curse too at times but this was ridiculous. Thanks for the tips. Good luck.