Before today’s regularly scheduled post, please allow me to freak out for a second because I am going to be on Good Morning America! Yes, faithful Pintestes, you can see me on the small screen on Wednesday morning, being the spokesperson for Pinterest failers across the globe. I am super duper excited. [Disclaimer: I just found out about it today and will not have time to lose forty pounds or buy new clothes or get my hairs did before Wednesday at the buttcrack of dawn, so judge leniently, please.] I don’t know what time the segment will be, or I’d tell you. Guess you’ll just have to watch the whole thing with, you know, bated breath and stuff. (There will be a quiz.)
In honor of the occasion (of making an ass of myself on national television), I’m making the ubiquitous and uber-faily rainbow cake in a mason jar today.
This thing is everywhere, and it’s all over the fail boards, too, so I was pretty damn sure it wasn’t going to work out. Many of the recipes said not to use cake mix, but instead to make your own batter from scratch — something about it helping the colors not bleed together because it’s thicker batter or something. Well fuck that noise. Ain’t nobody got time for that. That’s why God invented cake mix.
I’m pretty sure that God also invented KitchenAid mixers just to mix store cake mix and eggs together… because that is (honest truthiness) the only thing I ever use mine for.
I know, I know. I have already failed because I didn’t make my own cake batter with sifted flour ground on the ancient stones of Ireland and eggs laid by chickens with freedom of speech, and when I cracked the eggs on the side of the bowl, I didn’t do it very gently so as to avoid bruising the delicate chicken placenta. I know all this. But I am me, and that is why I did it.
Next, you divide the batter into a whole bunch of bowls because it doesn’t matter how many dishes you have to dirty in the pursuit of motherfucking rainbow cake in a mason jar.
And then if you’re me, you get to the green batter and have a brain fart and squirt red food coloring in there by mistake, but realize it before you start mixing, and manage to spoon out the blood-clot-looking thing before it messes up everything.
(Fun side project: leave it in your kitchen sink and see if anyone screams when they walk in later. Miss Scarlet in the kitchen with a whisk and a bread knife. And a Febreze bottle. I don’t know.)
I do have to admit when they’re all dyed, they look really pretty. Well, except that little purple one, which sort of resembles baby poop. But whatever.
In true Pintester fashion, I couldn’t find two matching mason jars, or even two clear mason jars. Sorry. (Sort of.)
Still looks pretty when you put the rainbow batter in. Even the green one looks sort of pretty. My hopes inflated a little, I gotta say. Maybe all those other failers were just dumbshits. Stupid Internets. Heh heh. I shall best you.
You guys, I even put water in the pan with the jars because the Internets told me it would keep the colors from turning brown.
And also I had extra batter and that seemed sad, so I made a little “control” cake. Science! (Mostly I just wanted an excuse to bake more cake.)
Alas, the prescribed thirty minutes later, I opened the oven door to this:
And I was suddenly grateful — very, very grateful — that I had at least made a nominal attempt to follow the directions, because the water pan at least kept the carnage from messing up my oven.
I gotta say, they tasted pretty good, and if I had a friend I didn’t like that much, I might be able to, you know, scrape the rainbow explosion off the outside of the jar and give it to them. Throw a little frosting on that shit and nobody would ever know.
It’s more fun to oogle the fail, though. Bask in the explosive fail, y’all. #FailCakes
Don’t forget to watch me on Good Morning America on Wednesday morning! I’ll say hello to the Pintestes with a secret code: If I look all awkward and pale and vaguely like I might vomit, I’m saying hello to you.