I did a poll on Facebook and asked if you guys wanted me to test easy skirts or bath fizzes, and you overwhelmingly picked easy skirts. Well, too fucking bad because I didn’t have any elastic. Womp womp. Bath fizzes it is.
I actually figured this would be really easy and there would be no possible way I could crap it up, so I bought, like, actual products and stuff. I bought citric acid and one of those silicon ice cube tray thingies, just like the instructions said to, guys, so high was my optimism.
So, fine, I admit I didn’t have “pure cane sugar.” I had a mostly-used really old bag of powdered sugar, labeled with a sharpie lest I forget what the unidentified white powder in the unmarked bag was. That was seriously the only sugar in the house. I’m actually sort of proud of that fact.
I mixed up all the dry ingredients. So far, so good. Yeah, bitches. I’m on a roll.
And then I mixed up the colored water in an old Febreeze bottle, because I don’t keep travel-sized spray bottles around for the express purpose of following instructions from crafts on MarthaStewart.com. Jesus, sorry.
I’m really glad no one happened upon me working in the kitchen at this point, because I had a big tub of non-descript white powder and a spray bottle of something suspiciously resembling blood. I can come up with no story that would make any sense of these two things, but then, I don’t watch Breaking Bad either and I suspect therein might lie the answer.
Now, the instructions explicitly warned against spraying so much colored water onto the white powder that the powder began to fizz. Well, goddamnit, mine fizzed immediately, no matter how little water I sprayed on it. I didn’t figure it was that big of a deal, so I kept spraying and letting it fizz and mixing it all together, and spraying some more, repeat et cetera.
I would come to find that this was a very bad idea, but for the moment, I was convinced that I had something mildly workable.
I began packing nice-smelling pink powder (because I added lavender oil to it) into my little ice cube tray, and at first, all seemed to be well. I decided that since I had some extra powder, I would make penis shapes out of it. (I mean, duh, right?) But when I turned from packing the powder into my penis cookie cutters (what? you don’t have penis cookie cutters?), I found that my fizzes had begun to … fizz.
Oh dear. So that’s why Martha politely insisted that I wasn’t supposed to make it fizz when I was mixing it. Well, fuck me.
I thought maybe my penis-shaped ones would survive, since they were bigger pieces and I only filled them halfway, leaving room for expansion…
But by the time I went to bed, it looked like this:
I will not lie: At this point, I actually still thought I might be able to save the project, so I squished the fizzy fizzes down and back into their moulds and hoped for the best.
Alas, when I awoke, I found this carnage in my kitchen, hardened in a brick-like mass:
At this point, I gave up on the bath fizzes being any good and my husband suggested that I should just throw the whole thing away, but I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my penis cookie cutters. (Who would be?)
So I filled up the sink with warm water and dumped everything in, and it all dissolved immediately and I retrieved my penises. Whew. Crisis averted.
The lesson here is clear, I think. If you’re going to fail at something, it’s much better if the results are water-soluble.
Well thank GOD the penises were saved. I’m just going to throw this out there, but maybe the powdered sugar just got too excited. It is kind of like the cracked up version of the sugar family. It just put it’s personality into you recipe. On the bright side, you just found a new recipe for an elementary school volcano project. Just pretend that’s what you were trying to do all along.
I’m thinking that, if I were to do this (now that I’m prewarned by the Sign of Viagra), I’d dye the baking soda and the citric acid separately, let them dry, THEN mix them. It might come out a little mottled, but that could be pretty.
Wow… anything which says “add water to a mixture of baking soda and a solid acid” sounds suspicious – this is exactly what happens when you use commercial baking powders. 😉
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. your fails were missed dearly.
I want to make a cock ring joke about the penis cookie cutter, maybe even slide an STD comment in there for it too but I just… I’m a little to awed by the foamy mess you have on your hands now….
Yeah… it’s kind of reversed, in a warped way. It’s been a while, but aren’t they supposed to get unmanageably big and hard BEFORE they spew all over the countertop?
Aaaand somehow I missed that she made this EXACT joke up there. Dammit, I’m suing the SRA reading comprehension card company for wasting my childhood.
Much awesomeness. THIS is old-skool Pintester and I just enjoyed the fuck out of it. Love ya, girlfriend!
travel size spray bottles have finer misting potentials (?) you’d get an actual mist, rather than a spray. Maybe that’s it?
I checked out the link to Martha’s page. In the comments, some mentioned in her video she used Epsom salt instead of cane sugar. Could that have made a difference?
I am thinking that’s it. Sugar generally acts as a food and salt the inhibitor – at least in baking and yeast products.
I love that you made penises, because that’s exactly what I would do. Then I would send them in the mail to my mother, except mine would probably end up as blobs, too. Oh well, I hope she knows the sentiment is there.
I’m so glad you are back… I laughed till I had tears…
What a way to get back in the Pintesting game 😉 This made me LOL a lot!
OMG the penises look like a badly deformed fetus…
oh thank God…I thought I was the only one whose mind worked like that!
i am laughing out loud…and i am at work!
i was so excited to see a pintester post in my inbox i had to take a peek…..did not disappoint! sooo funny!
I’m happy to see that I wasn’t the only one who thought the final penis product looked like a fetus!
that’s hilarious. I screamed laughing at the morning after pictures. Thank you for that!
Penises has always sounded wrong to me. I think the plural of penis should be penii. Cactus/cacti so penis/penii-makes sense to me. I made something like this once. They weren’t quite as bad as yours, but I didn’t try forcing them into shapes. I just rolled the goop into big balls (yes, they were blue).
The plural is technically “penes.” Pronounced “peenies.” I’m such a geek that I use “octopodes” instead of “octopus” (also, “clitorides” in case you ever need the plural of “clitoris”), but I… I just can’t bring myself to say it that way without assistance from at least four fuzzy navels.
I’m glad I’m not the only person who thinks that. It’s been on my mind for about a month now and I keep forgetting to look it up.
I really liked the morning after photo’s, they were hilarious.
You’ve got to watch Breaking Bad. Seriously.
I trusted Good Morning America to send me to a family friendly Pinterest site. Wow – is it really necessary to use language that isn’t family friendly? I won’t be coming back and won’t be recommending your Pinterest site to anyone else. Sad.
I’m trying to take this comment seriously and I just can’t…
omg, remove the stick!
This wouldn’t be the first time a girl regretted a penis the morning after…. 😉
I tried this with a little travel bottle and also got the same results….
OMG! The top one looks like a fetus. You rock!