Drunken Pork Chops

0 Posted by - July 10, 2012 - Food & Drink

When I pinned this, I wrote, “You had me at ‘drunken.'” Because, dude, food with the word “drunken” in the title has got to be good. Well, I take it back. There were the drunken gummy bears… But I am a woman of vast hope, and I was convinced these were going to be the best damn pork chops in the history of pork chops.

Image from Siggy Spice

With a heart buoyed by the promise of tipsy meat, I began.

Here’s a recommendation: Whenever a recipe has ketchup in it, just don’t fucking tell. Put it in there, mix it up, and forget about it, and if anyone asks, tell them it’s tomato sauce, because the fastest way to get someone to disparage your cooking is to tell them there is ketchup in it. Seriously. So just don’t tell. Also, when you mix it with beer, you can’t tell it’s ketchup anyway.

I’m not sure whether I should tell you the truth (that being that I followed these directions exactly), or if I should tell you I half-assed this (which I didn’t), because no matter what I tell you, I think I’m screwed. If I do it right, someone will tell me I should grow a brain and learn how to modify recipes so that they work. If I do it wrong, I will be told I messed it up on purpose and of course it’s not going to work if I don’t follow the directions. Either way, though, I messed it up, just to warn you.

The problem came about here, where I tried to thicken the sauce.

Apparently, beer is not thicker than water, and I’m pretty sure that’s not how the saying goes anyway. But no amount of corn starching and boiling would thicken this stuff up. So we had pork chops with ketchup and beer soup for dinner.

Honestly, it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t the rollicking good time I’d bargained for– you know, the whole “drunken” thing. These pork chops were apparently the sort of drunks that just pass out quietly when no one is looking. Boring.

(Fine. I’m too lazy to make potatoes, so I just made rice instead. But I swear I did everything else by the book. Really!)

41 Comments

  • Lesa at Edesias Notebook July 10, 2012 - 8:03 am Reply

    I hate it when sauces don’t thicken up like they are supposed to. Did you check the date on your cornstarch? I had major problems with that for a while, and then I realized my cornstarch was several months expired. I bought some new stuff and I was back in business. 

    • connie10554 July 10, 2012 - 10:16 am Reply

      cornstarch expires??????????????
       

      • Lesa at Edesias Notebook July 11, 2012 - 3:51 pm Reply

         @connie10554 It’s food, so yeah. The quality of any organic matter will decrease after a certain amount of time. I didn’t think about it either, that’s why I was surprised when I found that out.

  • athenahm July 10, 2012 - 9:03 am Reply

    I love your cookware.
     

    • Pintester July 10, 2012 - 9:16 am Reply

       @athenahm Too bad expensive pans can’t make me a better cook. 😉

      • athenahm July 10, 2012 - 9:50 am Reply

         @Pintester Lol, we all have our vices. Mine happens to be that I am an excellent cook, and i love the food I make.

  • TracyH_801 July 10, 2012 - 9:41 am Reply

    My mom’s version turned out like yours.  Very watery. Mine *finally* thickened up, but I had to cook it nearly twice as long as recommended.   I also added a splash of worcestershire sauce.  I didn’t think ketchup and beer were nearly enough flavoring.

  • Annieheineck July 10, 2012 - 10:50 am Reply

    hahaha.. I can only imagine your family saying amongst themselves.. omg what experiment are we going to have to test today..lolol They are going to grow up with food PTSD! lolol We must thank them when they reach adulthood for their bravery for our amusement! Bless them.. hehehehe

  • MegD_85 July 10, 2012 - 12:23 pm Reply

    I’ve had problems with sauces not thickening when they’re supposed to, and cornstarch doesn’t always work. I have found though that sifting in flour a little bit at a time works (very little, otherwise it clumps and it’s nasty), you just have to add a bit more herbs and spices, ’cause the flour makes it a little bland.

  • paintgirl3 July 10, 2012 - 1:08 pm Reply

    Honestly I don’t care if you follow the instructions or not. Your post are hilarious. And I never follow instructions. It’s part of the fun of being creative. So keep rockin the screw up! :)

    • pamgerine July 12, 2012 - 12:46 am Reply

       @paintgirl3 I definitely screw up almost all my recipes but it makes for a great story later! (And cooking is always an adventure in my house.)

  • Yakityyak July 10, 2012 - 1:26 pm Reply

    It’s a good day when you’ve tested something! Personally, I like the posts in which you go rogue and modify and the ones in which you follow directions to the letter. It’s the writing that matters and it always delivers!

  • crystallion82 July 10, 2012 - 1:29 pm Reply

    I also didn’t know constarch expires? I’ll have to check mine out. I made some beer pork chops but they were marinated in the beer and also had BBQ sauce mixed in… probably an improvement as they were delicious! So the moral, don’t give up on drunken food! I’ve also made a kahluha-lime fish – equally dellicious. I also agree about the ketchup bias, there are so many yummy recipes I have made with ketchup. I like to this of it as a pre-prepped tomato-vinegar sauce!

  • Pintester, Woman Fucks Up Pinterest Pins & Writes Humorous Reports July 10, 2012 - 4:58 pm Reply

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  • virtualdespot July 10, 2012 - 7:47 pm Reply

    Ha. Holy shit. You did not just say, “I’m too lazy to make potatoes.”
     
    Boil, mash, bam, done.

    • Denise July 11, 2012 - 10:24 am Reply

       @virtualdespot You forgot peal lol

  • Truffles8761 July 10, 2012 - 8:11 pm Reply

    I bet the only difference between your drunken pork and theirs is a food stylist.

  • ElizabethLeeCassels July 10, 2012 - 8:34 pm Reply

    bake the pork chops and just drink the damn beer!

  • SarahGarfinkel July 10, 2012 - 11:38 pm Reply

    I added some tomato paste, horseradish, balsamic vinegar, and worcestershire, worked pretty well, didn’t even need to add the starch.

  • JamesWBowers July 11, 2012 - 4:43 am Reply

    Corn Starch doesn’t boil well, once you get it too hot the starch falls apart and your previously-thickening sauce goes runny.  If you must boil something to reduce it in the thickening process either add the corn starch after you’ve reduced it by the proper amount and lowered the temperature, or make a flour and water slurry and use it to thicken, but be prepared to cook for a while to get the “toast” flavor out.Now, I know someone’s going to complain that corn starch is the thickening agent of choice for stir-fry, and you’re right.  But the reason it works is because stir-frying is a very fast cooking method, and you use a higher proportion of corn starch to the liquid than you would in other sauces, so it doesn’t have much of a chance to overcook and destroy all of the gelatinized strands of starch that are created.There are other options that work better than both corn starch and flour, but they have their downsides.  Potato starch works at any temperature, but doesn’t thicken very efficiently and using too much creates flavored instant mashed potatoes.  Arrowroot starch is efficient, but it’s often expensive (when it’s not expensive it tends to actually be potato starch) and it creates a funny mouthfeel if you thicken dairy with it.Hope this is useful to everybody!

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  • KittyOSullivanKrause July 11, 2012 - 5:05 pm Reply

    BLECH. The recipe sounds kinda gross to start with. And I like things drunken. Mostly myself.

  • Erica July 11, 2012 - 8:04 pm Reply

    You seem to have disappeared from your posts! I miss your expressions of disgust upon trying your creations!

    • Pintester July 11, 2012 - 8:19 pm Reply

      Ha! Don’t worry, I’ll be back. :)

  • pamgerine July 12, 2012 - 12:41 am Reply

    Except for the ketchup, that sounds like something I might try! I’d think anything with beer would taste good, but I might be wrong.

  • KellyWilliams1 July 12, 2012 - 4:17 pm Reply

    I’ve made Drunk Chicken before I cooked it in a crockpot. Despite the ingredients promising yumminess it turned out very vinegary.

  • kathy July 15, 2012 - 9:29 pm Reply

    Does anyone actually follow any recipe. Unless it’s a cake (and sometimes not even then), don’t think i’ve actually ever in my life done it.
    But cornstarch sucks as a thickener anyway…..next time try potato starch, it’s a miracle powder found at most asian markets. It actually works.

  • Kat S July 21, 2012 - 3:36 pm Reply

    I made this recipe as well. The sauce turned put pretty well, but my pork chops didn’t like the original either. I’m not a fan of pork chops, I think I would rather try chicken with the sauce instead.

  • ReginaKendall July 23, 2012 - 3:15 pm Reply

    Did you remember the brown sugar? It doesn’t look like you did. I made these and they came out FANTASTIC…and I ignored the advice about not using Guinness. It was wonderful. I’m sorry yours didn’t turn out! And, FYI, it actually tastes better with rice than potatoes.

  • JenniferLivingstonForbes July 25, 2012 - 10:35 pm Reply

    wasn’t my favorite either…too sweet.
     

  • kita954 August 9, 2012 - 9:20 pm Reply

     @virtualdespot hahaha im embarrassed to say i also am too lazy to cook potatoes! the boiling just takes WAY too long. i guess not lazy then…just impatient. 

  • vroach5 August 26, 2012 - 2:41 pm Reply

    Cornstarch is for thickening with a cold liquid then brought to temp and flour needs mixed hot with a fat like grease, butter margarine or shortening starting a roux then add the liquid…p. s. i fucking love this blog! I can’t wait to see what you test next!

  • Hallie Wass September 16, 2012 - 9:16 pm Reply

    Bummed you didn’t like…it has actually become one of my favorite recipes…..but, being a lazy ass I throw frozen pork chops in the crock before heading out to work(forget the browning step-cuz, you would need to prethink about thawing them! Something I never do!!!) with all my ingredients (except the corn starch and water) and I usually triple the sauce mixture (can never have enough drunken-ness) then it’s ready when you get home in the evening.  It seems to give it a chance to soak up all that yummy beer and keeps it from getting dry. 

  • Tara November 1, 2012 - 1:42 pm Reply

    I cried I laughed so hard.

  • Bev November 27, 2012 - 6:38 pm Reply

    Mine turned out great. They were a tad sweet for my taste so i will use less sugar next time. I followed the recipe almost exactly – well I changed the proportions since I only had two chops and I had no corn starch so I made a reaux.. But they were tender and my man loved me. #win

  • Bev November 27, 2012 - 6:42 pm Reply

    @pamgerine trust me, you have to use the ketchup. It sounds scary, but it mellows out and mixes well with everything. It’s almost like the beginning of a barbecue sauce.

  • Gabie ☀ December 23, 2012 - 5:25 am Reply

    Why so much hate for ketchup in recipes? One can make amazing barbeque sauce with ketchup, guava jelly and peanuts…. Then again, ketchup is a staple in my country.

  • Lisa Baker January 4, 2013 - 10:44 am Reply

    you are hysterical

  • Amanda Mae July 15, 2013 - 10:25 am Reply

    Mine turned out terrible. I’m not sure if I used the wrong beer or something, but it was God Awful. To thicken the sauce I added a little flour and whisked it. It thickened it up really nice, but the taste was off. It had an overpowering beer taste that even my husband didn’t like.

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