Y’all, I don’t give a flying crap about Valentine’s Day, except as an excuse to find chocolate on sale at Walgreen’s the day after. I am of the slightly grouchy opinion that it’s a holiday made up by card companies to facilitate the buying of 35 Transformers or Winnie the Pooh perforated fucking cards so that you can pick the dumbest ones to give to the kid you like least in your class. (Fine. Maybe I have some past hurts I need to get over…)
But Valentine’s Day is also right close to National Wear Red Day, a campaign to make women aware of their risk of heart disease. Heart disease claims the lives of nearly 500,000 American women every year, but it’s often written off as something that only older men need to worry about. National Wear Red Day’s mission is to combat this misconception and raise awareness among women. It was February 1st this year, so I’m fashionably late, but I thought I’d do a manicure in tribute.
I started with a base of white.
And in case you’re wondering what color, it’s Revlon “White On White.” (You had one job, clever nail polish namers at Revlon.) It’s super old and probably discontinued.
I decided to free-hand the hearts, because no good could come of it, and I’m in the business of No Good. Surprisingly, it didn’t fail that hard.
(I don’t know what color this is because it came in a little Christmas gift set with like 4 tiny nail polishes. O.P.I. something-or-other. If I were the nail polish namer, I’d probably go with “Menstrual Period Day 2” or something… so it’s a good thing that’s not my job.)
The one on my right hand was slightly more deformed because I painted it with my left hand.
I thought about free-handing the little EKG heart-waves or whatever you call them with just the nail polish brush, but ultimately decided to go with the highly technical toothpick method.
If you’re following along at home, I found that a dotting method is far superior to a dragging method. Although, if you’re like me and totally fucked up one of your nails while painting a heart on your non-dominant hand and then had to go back and smooth it out and put an extra coat of white on, you’re going to be in a world of trouble no matter what. Just sayin’.
From far away, they’re not so bad really.
But, close-up they’re pretty much a hot mess. [Insert favorite quote from Clueless here: “Full-on Monet. From far away, it’s OK, but up close, it’s a big old mess.”]
Yeah, whoever was hooked up to the EKG on my right hand had an incurable arrhythmia or something.
I learned from the mistakes of my past and did not put a top coat on this yet… I think I’ll wait til tomorrow, or maybe just use Pam.
Have fun creating your own wacky Valentine’s Day/National Wear Red Day manicure, and be sure to keep your heart health in mind, because I love you and I don’t want you to die, ok?
damn it!! you had one job and you failed!! you’re job is to fuck up pins!! not make me want to try them!!
lol in all seriousness, they look good!
Actually, I think you should go into the business of naming nailpolishes. I mean, seriously… it cannot get any worse than “Used Blue” or “Antique Pink” (those sound like somebody vomited nailpolish and they rebottled it and sold it. I was dumb enough to buy them, apparently). I think your names would even be better, because they would make you laugh everytime you use them… and who doesn’t need a good laugh after fucking up your manicure and just wanting to cry ;-)?
I’m impressed with how good they look from far away. Even the heart that you said looked wonky looks good. I’m not really a good judge of nail-painting though, as I’m impressed at the fact that your fingers aren’t completely covered in paint (like mine usually end up).
You have inspired me. I’m thinking red with white polka dots for the fingers without hearts though. Screw the EKG.
Nail polish names are getting pretty racy. There’s one called sexy divide… or am I just the only one that thinks of it like that.
You could always work for MAC. They name their shit kush, half-baked, polyester bride, etc… so pretty much they’re all a bunch of hot mess stoners that work there 😉
Half-baked and polyester bride are actually from Urban Decay…which has names worse than MAC, lol!
After this, I had to break out my basket o’ nail polish just to read all the ridiculous names, like “Wizard,” “Midnight Metal,” & “Teeny Greeny Bikini.” Some of my favorite names are from a line called Spoiled by Wet n’ Wild. Some I have are “Show Me the Money,” ” Pirate’s Booty,” “Shaken Snowglobe,” and the truly inexplicably-named “My Saturn Broke Down.” My favorite ever, though, is an Old Navy green/gold polish called “Computer Geek.” 🙂 I think, in honor of the upcoming “holiday” I shall paint my nails a combination of “Vampire Red” & “Battle of the Sexes.” Seems appropriate.
I have one by Essie called Trophy Wife.
what color is your saturn?
I love the claw you always do when you show off your finished nail-job. Was this not a cocknails because you are protesting this holiday? Soooo, at least Valentine’s Day is based in some gory and slutty history: http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day. (where is truffles? she usually looks this stuff up for us.) The greeting card companies TOTALLY made up grandparent’s day and sweetest day though, so you’re on to them.
At first, I was like “omg, what site am I on? She went and got all serious and shit.” But then you said you were a week late and I was like “ohh…there’s the Pintester we all know and love”.
Where is the cock?
I was wondering where the video was. That would explain the shaky bits too.
Couldn’t you have fucked it up…just a little bit…just to amuse us? Nice rant on the Hallmark Holidays though. Withya sista.
I think menstrual period day 2 would be a bit more bloated and covered in potato chip crumbs.
or drips of grease from a double cheeseburger with bacon.
Ohh you think valentines day is stupid? Does that mean I don’t have to buy flowers and chocolate this year? 😀 hehehe
Finding the Valentines in the box with the least suggestive quotes on them to give to classmates is a ritualistic torture unparalleled in other cultures… “Be mine”: Noooo! He’ll think I LIKE HIM. So much 8-year-old angst. So. much.
I’m pretty sure the original nail artist used a sharpie. Or photoshop. You did great though, I would have wound up with nail polish on my eyelid
This seems like where one of those paint pen nail polishes would be a good choice, now that you say that about the sharpie.
The Sharpie pin DOES NOT work. I’ve tried it at least 5 times, and the topcoat always smears my beautiful design into an unrecognizable nothing. I’ve all different brands of top coat, from OPI to Wet & Wild, and no dice.
Menstrual cycle day 2 would be particularly excellent if it had blood-clot-like clumps in it. Just sayin’.
Chocolate? Did someone say chocolate?
I want a nail polish called Menstral Period.
Long time follower, first time commenter. I actually am so impressed! I would never have been able to make them look so good (it’s the dt’s). Just kidding.
I also wanted to say, I hate the pressure of Valentine’s day. I’ve decided to turn it into a day to tell me family, esp nieces, old people, etc, how much I love and appreciate them. That could also be because I’m always single, and have given up on Cupid? Hmmmm. Whatevs. I’m sticking to it. I’ve done it for years.
I once owned a nailpolish names “Mystic Asparagus”, while we’re sharing.
Please do your best to describe that color. I’m thinking sparkly green?
It was actually quite spot-on with the (white) asparagus, in that it was a shimmery off-white mother of pearl kind of deal. The mystic part remains a mystery (sorry).
I can’t even paint my nails without them looking like a blind dog did them. So bravo! I’m not a fan of valentines day but I did get an email offer for extra airline miles if I send flower so I’m totally buying myself flowers.
Thank you for doing this. February 7-14 is CHD (congenital heart disease) awareness week, so you were right on time for that! My nephew was born with a rare CHD called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. He passed away in August, but we are still celebrating his first birthday on the 13th. He was born the day before Valentines day! Ok enough of my rambling, but truly thank you for putting in this blog about heart disease and giving me an idea for nails this week! This is awesome as usual! <3
Chelle, so sad to hear about your nephew. My condolences to you and your family.
Thank you. <3
I’ve always liked Valentines Day, but I’m a holiday whore. I love all holidays. My husband wants nothing to do with it (he also feels like it’s a ploy by Hallmark). But he was like that when I married him, so it’s no surprise. I refuse to buy cards, so we make ours here. All. 22. of. them. For my daughter’s second grade class. I think I have more fun with it than my daughter. Someday I’ll probably make them for her senior class and she’ll be embarrassed. Hee hee.
I’m guessing they called it “White on White” because “White on Rice” would be considered racist. Just my guess.
Menstrual period day 2 AND quoting clueless. You made my day.
Nail polish set idea: Menstrual period red, Motrin orange, heating pad blue, Tampax pearlescent yellow, and Vodka. That one would be the clear top coat.
LMAO! Before I even read down to your Clueless/Money quote, that was the first thing that popped into my head as soon as you said they were good from far away and not so much up close (often my manicure problem as well lol). Just found your blog and I’m loving it. You crack me up!
i think any kind of paint on nails ** unless its an elegant french or clean clear coat….. looks REALLY trashy!
Next time use a Sharpie to draw on the designs! LOL! I just ran across this site tonight & I’m totally LOL-ing! ;o)
Hey, my heartbeat totally looked like that yesterday! They kept hooking me up to machines that beeped every time I moved, so that was fun. Anyway, because I wasn’t comatose or asleep or whatever, my heart rate monitor looked more like your lines than the original pin’s. Luckily no one came running.
That’s my favorite quote from Clueless too! 🙂 It’s still one of my favorite movies after all these years. I still have my VHS copy I bought when I was 16. 🙂
Oh, and I heart you. 🙂 You are awesome and always make me laugh! Keep doing what you are doing! Or not doing… 🙂